A literal pile of sh*t and a $45k sex couch: Mamamia recaps the Goop Gift Guide.

There are a few things that signal the beginning of the silly season.

Celebrities pack up their elaborate Halloween costumes after a week of unnecessary photoshoots. Every website you've ever signed up for sends you 12 emails about their various deals. Mariah Carey posts a video about 'defrosting'. 

But who needs those? Because there is a more recent development that tells us that Christmas is truly just around the corner: the Goop Christmas gift guide.

Goop's now annual gift guide just dropped, including its absolutely insane 'ridiculous but awesome' list, and they are everything you want them to be. At this point Goop is 100 per cent in on the joke, but it's still fun to point and laugh.

Here's the best (read: wildest) suggestions, because nothing says 'better get Christmas shopping' like Gwyneth Paltrow's curated list of $30 toilet paper and a $470 joint-rolling machine.

Gucci Waste Bag Holder - AU$657.

Image: Gucci.

You are going to be BEGGING your dog to sh*t in front of everyone at the dog park after spending a small fortune on this designer poop bag.

It comes in multiple colours, just FYI. Goop's list kindly also includes a matching $641 leash, so your dog can be fancy while sh*tting AND walking.

Small Transparent Speaker - AU$860.

Image: Goop.

Remember cassettes? They've basically been extinct since the 90s, which means they're now... cool again.

This speaker cannot play cassettes, but it sure looks like one. 

According to Goop, it's "real brilliance" is that it can adapt to evolving technologies, "meaning this is one piece of technology that can evolve with you rather than becoming obsolete as the industry advances".

Wow. First, it impersonates a cassette, and then it MOCKS one? Punching down is NOT COOL.

Kama Sutra Dinner Napkins - AU$138.

Image: Goop.

Dinner party conversation will never be the same.

Caviar Ornament - AU$39.

Image: Goop.

We may not be able to afford caviar, but we can (barely) afford this caviar ornament, that looks suspiciously like something I drew while in primary school - glitter outlined word and all.

Tufted Boudoir Chaise - AU$44,580.

Image: Goop.

This chaise lounge mimics the contours of the body and is decked out with stirrups and restraints.

Goop reckon it'd go well in your bedroom, living room, or sex dungeon. Sure.

My biggest issue, however, is the price. Forgive my ignorance, but is this sort of... sex stuff usually this expensive? It feels excessive. Is there a gap in the market for cheaper options? Someone get IKEA on the line, I have an idea.

The Good Sh*t - AU$117.

Image: Flamingo Estate.

This year's Goop list has a poo theme. Just throwing that out there.

Here, we have a literal pile of sh*t. It's free-range compost, allegedly made from the finest poop in Los Angeles. Insert A-list celebrity joke here.

At least I think the bow on top is free?

Satin Baguette Bag - AU$374.

Image: Gohar.

This bag is designed to stash your baguette.

THAT'S LITERALLY IT.

THAT IS ITS ONLY PURPOSE.

We must all come together to reject the BYOB (bring your own bread) movement.

Joint-rolling Machine - AU$468.

Image: Beed.

You know this list truly is ridiculous when I start thinking an almost $500 JOINT ROLLING MACHINE is reasonably priced.

The Beed Machine promises fully automated, perfectly rolled fresh joints at the push of a button, and I... I need to see this. I NEED to watch this Nespresso for weed in action. There is the small problem of legality here in Australia, but can't we all turn a blind eye in the name of... witnessing greatness?

Bonus: this comes in a range of colours, so you can match your weed machine to your toaster.

Two-Person Full-Spectrum Infrared Sauna - AU$12,658.

Image: Goop.

A sauna is probably not the best gift for Christmas in Australia, which hits right in the peak of summer.

That is the only logical reason I can think for not buying this in-home sauna. 

The price point and the sheer insanity of trying to fit a sauna into a Sydney apartment certainly do not factor in!

Tennis Balls - AU$70.

Image: Goop.

Perhaps tennis just... hits different when the balls are pink.

Personalised Soul Song - AU$351.

If you would prefer to gift something less... physical, Goop has you covered with a personalised 12-minute piano composition.

Personalised how? I hear you ask.

WELL.

Each song is inspired by the PLANETARY ALIGNMENT during the recipients birth, as read by an astrologer called Gemini Brett. Duh!

Neon Toilet Paper - AU$29.

Image: Renova.

What did I mention about the poo theme? After you've zhuzhed your dog's poo time, and put expensive LA poo in your garden, it's time to revamp how YOU wipe your arse.

Gwyneth is really TAKING THE PISS this year (ba dum tssssss!)

Crucially, this neon toilet paper is 3-ply and, uh, "colourfast for its intended use". I think that means it won't stain your bum.

10-Ounce Gold Bar - prices vary.

Image: Goop.

This gift suggestion is really just saying the quiet part out loud: THIS IS ALL FOR REALLY RICH PEOPLE.

Supposedly, gold bars are great 'investment strategies' and a way to diversify your 'wealth portfolio'.

WHAT WEALTH PORTFOLIO, GWYNY? WHAT WEALTH PORTFOLIO? I SIMPLY DON'T HAVE ONE.

Alternatively, Goop suggests, gold makes a good paperweight.

Sigh.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer and co-host of The Spill. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.