It’s been more than 6 months since I’ve heard from you. The last thing I said to you was, “I don’t want to put a giant wedge between us. I hope I haven’t said anything more hurtful and apologise for making comments that caused you to feel I was mad or upset with you or having any expectations of you fixing anything. I can say with a clear conscience that I don’t feel those things.”
But I guess you didn’t feel the same, because you never replied. Surely you knew I saw you read my message. And still?
You said nothing.
I wonder if you know how much that hurt me. Or how it felt bad enough that you decided my negative work experience was all in my head. Could you have guessed how cutting it was when you wrote to gaslight me?
The other day, Facebook reminded me that it was your birthday, and that reminded me of how we haven’t spoken since June. We only live minutes away, yet I haven’t seen you since Christmas Eve… of 2017.
I bought you a gift for your birthday last year, but you never found the time to grab it. Every time we made plans, you cancelled and seemed disinterested in rescheduling. Maybe you forgot that I could see you gush on Facebook about your other lunch plans.
With the friends and family you don’t want to blow off. All those people who are better than me.
I wonder if you have any idea how much it hurt to be lectured by you and your husband about how to do life. Even though I think I knew there was a real problem in you, I couldn’t help but feel like I did something wrong around you. Constantly.
Watch: Women share their last text from their best friend. Post continues after video.
Reading over our last conversation, I’m embarrassed that I even tried to make amends with you. Embarrassed that I apologised. I took on blame that was never mine, all in an effort to appease you.
“You’re convincing yourself of things that aren’t true. You’re making small things huge. You’re letting your fears and anxieties cloud your perceptions. I know it’s so scary being a single mum. I’m compassionate. I get it! I was there too. I had to rebuild from $0. It’s awful. But you’ve come so far! You’re doing it! Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Please.”
You went further, telling me to be professional. Telling me to keep quiet about the problems at work. To keep it to myself rather than trying to talk things out with management.