If you’re anything like me, there is probably nothing that will make you freeze like a deer in headlights in the bedroom more than the following four words..
“Talk ‘dirty’ to me.”
Now I know everyone was blown away when I turned on my dirty talk in one of the episodes of The Prude And The Pornstar, I made it all seem so easy. But believe me dirty talking is very much something that has never come naturally to me. So if I can do it, so can you!
As you’re progressing through my guide take your time on each point. This is one sexual skill where you can use a lack of confidence to your advantage with a few very clever ideas, but the real key is being comfortable in your skin.
LISTEN: Madison gives some tips on how to get out of your sex rut. (Post continues...)
First thing's first, let's learn to unleash your inner sex kitten. Dirty talking is more about the tone, the speed and the way you say it, not so much about what you say - that comes later. Start with your breathing, take slow long breathes, start to savour each breathe like how you would savour a delicious smell.
Once you’ve done that several times you should start to feel yourself getting in sex kitten territory. Now add sounds to your breathe. Things like “hmmm” “ahh” “oohh”, purr the sounds out, focus on the vibrations, on how the sounds feel.
Next we need to play with the tones, changing your pitch to some high notes inter mingled with long languishing low tones and a lot of breathe. Think how Marilyn Monroe would sound in yoga class.
Now let's play with words
Adding in words can be tricky. And I recommend practising this next step out of the bedroom. You need to start imagining that you are devouring each word like it’s a delicious meal, savouring each syllable. Letting it roll off your tongue with each breathe. I used some very unsexy words to learn this technique, my favourites are words like 'watermelon', 'prostitute' or your partner's name - pick a word that feels right for you.
The reason why we are doing this is because we are programming an anchor into your brain. This means that when you hear or say the word even if you just think the word, your subconscious will switch you into this sex kitten mode. Because 'prostitute' is my anchor, when I’m called upon to switch on my sex kitten mode like I was in that podcast, all I do is think the word and I’m on.
It may sound arduous but really a few minutes of really focusing on this part and an anchor word is all you need, you can program your mind that easily. The key is to play with the way you express your word. Really differentiate each syllable, like the infamous “antici………pation” from Rocky Horror.
The next step is to practice this skill by reading recipes in the sex kitten purring style from step one, especially the method. Now I know this sounds completely bonkers, but whilst you are focusing on this step you are building confidence in your inner sex kitten mode and getting used to speaking in a completely different way than you are normally used to. So later on, when the pressure is on and you hear those four very scary words, and you take that step, even if you stumble on words or can’t quite think of what to say next, virtually anything that comes out of your mouth will be seductive.
So now we’ve mastered how to dirty talk - what the heck do we actually say?
This step takes a leap of faith and also requires a poker face. If you’re like me, there will be times when you stumble, completely forget what you’re going to say, and feel like an idot. But if you remember to stay in an almost distracted breathy state, all sins here actually make dirty talking more sexual.
A good place to start is things like “ooh baby” and “Im so turned on right now” with lots of “oohhs” “yes” and “hmmms”, even phrases such as “oh that feels so nice, yes I love that, do more”. Don’t worry if you start a sentence and can’t work out how to finish, just switch to “yes” and ‘Ohs”.
When you lose focus in this part, your partner is just going to think they are so amazing you can’t string a sentence together. This is where your anchor really helps, the minute I start to feel like a fool, I think my anchor word and I’m back in sex kitten mode.
Dirty Talking Phrases
The key to dirty phrases is using a lot of descriptive words, virtually any word you’d use to describe food words hence the reason we practice with recipes. Things like “juicy” “ripe” “hot” “salty” “hard” “wet”.
Complimenting your partner on their amazing bodies always works, talking about how much you love (whatever word they use for their genitals), talk about how good what they are doing feels, or even how good they feel, how turned on you are. The way to increase the sexiness of your phrases is to tune into the details. So rather than “ooh that feels so good” say "Oh I love how your 'X' feels when your doing 'X' to my 'X'".
If you want to get really dirty, of course you can take it to extremes using words like slut, whore or saying things like “I own your cock” or “show me you own my pussy”. But as these are some words that people find offensive so it's always good to have a chat to your partner about just how far you want to take things.
Dirty Talking Games
Now that you’ve mastered the art of dirty talking, there’s some fun ways to use it. One way is a dirty talking “create your own fantasy game” with your partner. Where you and they take turns at directing the shared fantasy. This is awesome when you want to explore something sexually but are not sure how it will affect you, such as having a threesome.
The way to do this is, when you’re already in the swing of things introduce the game by saying something like “you know what I’m thinking about? Well I’m thinking it would be hot if we had a playmate here. (Space) with us (space) right now...”
Then you take the first move, “I would kiss the playmate as you watch, would you like that? What would you do next?” Then they answer with whatever they would want to do.
Then you repeat.
This is a really great way to talk through sexual wish lists and gain a better understanding of how you both want to play. It’s also a great way to test out if there are any potential boundaries here. For instance you may find you’re suddenly uncomfortable if they want to do 'X' with you. So it really opens the floor to have some great conversations afterwards without the danger of your partner really overstepping a boundary that you’ve just discovered in real life.
The Prude And The Pornstar discuss the sexy uses your household items have (post continues after audio).
Dirty talk is also not just for the bedroom. It’s a great way to rev things up during the day or if you both need to be apart or even just a sexy game to play whilst you both watch TV. The key to using dirty talk outside the bedroom, particularly if you are sexting, is to talk about your past experiences together or what you want to happen.
Whereas if you’re already playing, you want to keep your dirty talk centred to what is going on right now, although there’s always exceptions to the rule. This is particularly great if you’re a bit shy and want to initiate things or maybe your still training your inner sex kitten and just want to practice the words without speaking them.
As with everything in sex keep it fun and if you do really mess it up just laugh it off and keep going. Remember sex is a skill which means practice makes perfect!