rogue

MAFS stars are charging fans for video messages and we know exactly what each one would say.

If you’ve been scouring the internet each day for your daily injection of ex-MAFS contestant content, firstly, no judgement, and secondly, we got you.

We come bearing gifts.

Thanks to website Cameo, you can have your very own personalised piece of MAFS video to cherish forever and re-watch to your heart’s content.

The website – “a platform where fans can book personalised video shoutouts from their favourite celebrities, athletes, or influencers” – offers the option to purchase a specially recorded piece featuring your favourite Z-list celebrity.

Yep – a bunch of our MAFS friends have signed themselves up to offer a service none of us asked for and definitely don’t need.

But with most charging less than $20 per video message, why the hell not? Money well spent if you ask us.

The perfect gift idea for the reality TV-tragic friend who has everything, or for your own personal use if that’s your thing, the MAFS contestants selling their time for a quick buck include Mick Gould, Ning Surasiang and of course Mike Gunner, who seems hell-bent on spreading his messages on every platform available.

Things we say when watching MAFS. Post continues after video.

While it’s entirely up to you what occasion you choose your MAFS message to commemorate, from anniversaries to new babies (because nothing says “welcome to the world tiny human” like a video from an ex-reality TV contestant), here’s how we recommend you have your video tailored:

Mike Gunner – motivational pep talk

Some people have daily mantras to motivate them each morning. But we bet none of you have a personalised message from Mike to get you bounding out of bed and into the day. Yet.

Charging $20, his bio vows to “try and make you smile and hopefully give some great advice,” helpfully adding; “that’s kind of my thing ;),” and yes, he really did include a winky face. You just can’t make this stuff up.

For "Sammo" Mike recorded some relationship advice, including: "If she doesn't accept your apology, you might wanna trade her in." Nice.
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We can't think of anything more fitting than a personalised pep talk from the divisive contestant. Think a low budget Brene Brown.

Ideal for those who need a little tough love, motivate yourself each morning with a recording of him shouting "I'M NOT YOUR THERAPIST" repeatedly as you get ready for work.

Or, capitalising on his expertise as a man who once married a stranger on television, you could get him to record a pre-date pep talk you can recycle every time you land a drink with a potential love interest.

Gems we suspect he'll include are to "retain mystery" by "avoiding talking about your problems", or better still, "just don't talk at all".

Ning Surasiang - tips on avoiding social interactions

Or where to find the food.

"I'm cold."

"I'm hungry."

"Don't touch me."

Just a few simple options to perfect the Ning method of avoiding any and all social interaction.

For $20, she'll help you perfect your delivery, body language, facial expression and tone for all those instances in life where you'd rather be left alone.

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That's right - you'll never have to sit through an uncomfortable conversation with an Uber driver again.

What more could you want?

Cyrell Paule - a message for your enemies

Cyrell is sadly not one of the ex-contestants featured on Cameo, which we think is a crying shame.

cyrell mafs
Gone (from our tellies), but not forgotten.

We're not here to play favourites (we are) but we'd definitely pay top dollar for a recording from Cyrell. And by top dollar, we mean no more than $25.

A recording of Cyrell screaming her catchphrase "You Ain't no King Ding-A-Ling" with a sprinkling of other profanities and the sound of breaking glass/fruit bowls in the background would be worth every penny if you ask us.

What would we use it for? The possibilities are endless. A home security system, to play at your house party when you want your guests to leave, a message you can send anyone who's crossed you or in an anonymous email to a colleague who's rubbed you the wrong way.

Endless.

Now that's what we call an investment.

Mick Gould - an Aussie slang guide for people learning English

Look, you can actually get a personalised video through Cameo by none other than the Honey Badger if you're willing to fork out $99.

But for a more budget-friendly bogan delight, Mick Gould's personalised recording is only $15. Winner, winner, red-wine-throwing dinner.

For $15, it'd be rude no to.
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The perfect gift idea for your foreign friend settling into life in 'Straya, Mick's vocabulary of nonsensical exclamations will get you through a conversation at knock-offs when you have nothing of substance to contribute but haven't said anything in a while so feel you should probably make your voice heard.

He'll perfect your delivery of "Heaven to Betsy" and discuss the nuances of referring to people whose names you do actually know as "old mate".

All very important cultural lessons.

So there you have it, exactly how you can immortalise your favourite MAFS contestants' finest traits in personalised video form because it's 2019 and these are the things we care about now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

You're welcome.

Want to have your voice heard? Plus have the chance to win $100? Take our survey now.

MMSurvey

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