'My boyfriend receives Snapchats of other women. He says I can’t be mad because he doesn’t respond.'

My boyfriend doesn’t respect my boundaries when it comes to social media. 

When we first started dating, something happened that made me seriously consider walking away from him. One Friday night, we were drinking at his apartment. I headed to bed early because I had a long day at work. He stayed up to play a video game and drink a little more.

Watch: The difference between emotional and physical affair. Story continues after video.

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The next day, at work, I got the story of what happened after I had gone to sleep. But not from him, from Maggie — a 19-year-old girl who told me, with a pained look in her eye, that my boyfriend had Snapchated her the night prior asking her for nude pictures.

It utterly humiliated me.

We are both in our mid-twenties, so I found this to be creepy and completely inappropriate, given that we both worked with this woman at the time.

Needless to say, I was really pissed.

As soon as I got home, I confronted him. Here’s what he told me:

“Oh my god, I am so sorry. I was trashed and can’t believe I did that. I never wanted to embarrass you. I’ll do anything you need me to in order to trust me again. It was late, and I was really drunk.”


I didn’t completely buy it, but I also didn’t want to leave him. I felt like maybe he had just made a mistake, maybe he really was trashed, maybe it was a fleeting drunk thought and anyone can make a mistake.

I don’t feel that way anymore.

The relationship was so new, and I really liked this guy, and I thought maybe, after really avoiding him for a few weeks and letting him stew in what he’d done, I’d give him a second chance. And that’s exactly what I did. 

Fast forward to now. 

Occasionally, my boyfriend leaves his phone upright on a table in the living room. Every now and again, when it lights up with a notification, I lovingly glance over to look at it. Yesterday, I saw it was a Snapchat notification. 

I’ll admit, I broke relationship rule #1. I unlocked his phone and opened Snapchat.

To my horror, I saw a list of about four or five women in his recent Snaps. Some had sent him a Snapchat, and he left it on read, others he sent one in return. I opened one of the unread ones — it was literally just a selfie of a girl with no text or anything.

I felt the rush of the humiliation returning. When he entered the room again, I immediately confronted him. 

“I’m honestly not comfortable with you Snapchatting other women,” I said, a slight glare in my eye. He was initially, and maybe understandably, upset that I had gone into his phone in the first place. But then the real debate started. 


“I don’t even answer half those girls. How can you be upset with me when I don’t even engage with them?” he asked, defensively.

“But some of them you do respond to,” I persisted. After all, all it takes is one. 

“I just don’t understand what you want me to do,” he said. 

In truth, I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted him to do either. It felt controlling to ask him to remove Snapchat from his phone, and it felt like the central issue wasn’t that he had Snapchats from other women, but that I didn’t trust him. Not trusting him made even perhaps the most innocent things a cause for concern.

However, after the incident months prior, I felt I had a right to ask for some alterations in order to feel a little more comfortable as he built back trust.

“I want you to delete Snapchat,” I said, feeling tears well in my eyes. 

“I don’t think I should have to do that,” he retorted. “There’s really nothing to be upset about. I can’t help it if other people Snapchat me.”

“But it would make me feel better. Right now, at least,” I said, looking down. 

“Okay, I can do it for a little while,” he said, hesitantly. 

I felt relieved and concerned. About all of it honestly. 

I was relieved that at least I didn’t have to worry about Snapchat specifically anymore. I was concerned that this had to happen in the first place. 


I was concerned that it seemed like he didn’t even understand my worry in the first place. I was concerned that he seemed to place a lot more value on an app than he did on my emotional well-being. But, I was also concerned that I even need that in order to feel safe in my relationship.

Listen to The Quicky and find out why people do it and is there a way to fight back against being a victim of a gaslighter? Story continues after podcast.

Just because he wasn’t responding doesn’t mean he wasn’t seeing. And at the end of the day, I’m a firm believer that apps like these make people in relationships walk a fine line.

Your eyes shouldn’t be focused on a random girl or guy sending you a Snapchat — they should be focused on the person sitting across from you.

Introducing another layer of complexity to a relationship, which is already complex enough, especially in the realm of monogamy, seems foolish and unnecessary to me. Apps like these are a constant reminder that we all basically have options other than the one we settled with. It’s dangerous and avoidable. 

Or, maybe it just makes the people who aren’t trustworthy more easily identifiable. Either way, I wanted the app gone. 

Only time will tell if it ends up mattering.

Feature Image: Getty.

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