When I switched on the season premiere of Big Brother Australia on Monday night, I was full of pure, unbridled excitement.
And relatedly Tully but also Layla and Tim and MERLIN and most importantly, Drew’s face?
I really thought this revamped version of the reality show where a group of strangers literally sit in a house together with nothing to do could be the saving grace of 2020.
As a country, we’re desperately in need of non-threatening drama that happens behind a TV screen rather than to us, personally.
But instead, on last night’s much-anticipated premiere, we got a never-ending whinge about tea and a man who snores.
For nearly two hours, I waited for something, anything to… happen. A set of twins pretending to be one person, perhaps. Or two random contestants having to behave as though they're a long-term couple. When Big Brother (whose voice now sounds like a British demon which seems unnecessary) asked Kieran to come to the diary room, I thought maybe this was it. Considering it's 2020, my imagination ran wild about what the twist might be. Humans that are actually robots, a Bird Box-type scenario where there are monsters outside that you can't be exposed to, a contestant who's a really famous person in disguise, ANYTHING.
Big Brother's message for Kieran, however, appears to have been written by an eight-year-old who was asked to design a (terrible) game. Kieran's challenge was to give every contestant a high five, then a nickname, then a... back massage.