'I can't face the world yet.' Bianca Dye on taking the 'shame' out of miscarriage.

This article deals with an account of miscarriage that could be triggering for some readers.

One in four pregnancies in Australia results in miscarriage.

A staggering statistic really, considering how little people actually talk about miscarriage. This risk increases when you’re pregnant over the age of 35.

For centuries, women have dutifully abided by the ‘12-week rule’, and not announced their pregnancies until they’re in the ‘safe’ zone. You know, in case something goes wrong.  

It also means that to an extent, miscarriages have been shrouded in mystery, and women largely suffer the trauma in silence.

Radio host Bianca Dye has broken that silence.

She was nine weeks into her pregnancy following the first cycle of IVF with partner Jay Sandtner, when doctors confirmed she had suffered a miscarriage.

“The words ‘I’m sorry but there’s no heartbeat’ are the most traumatic words you will ever hear,” Bianca said afterwards.

TRIGGER WARNING: The following video is Bianca’s raw account of finding out she’s miscarried.  

Bianca took some time off from co-presenting 97.3FM’s Bianca, Mike and Bob show and told listeners what had happened, gave an interview to The Courier Mail and posted about it on Instagram. She told Mamamia the support she’s received has been overwhelming.

“I’m still getting the most beautiful messages,” Bianca told Mamamia.

“I’ve lived my life in the public eye for so long and I’m open and honest in all areas of my life, I realised I had to be consistent. I couldn’t pick and choose what to put out there or give a ‘highlight reel’ of my life.

“The reaction was unbelievable. So many women in the exact same situation as me. One messaged to say she’d also been nine weeks pregnant and her partner had just bought a little t-shirt and they were allowing themselves to get excited about it when it happened.”

 

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One of the great things about what I do for a living is that it gives me a platform to share the good the bad and the farkin ugly from my/our life I’m not going to lie and say I’m “Brave” for sharing because I have been living my life in the public eye since I was 23 years old and it’s really all I’ve known… I have always found comfort in sharing my story . I think in the industry I work in it’s really important to remind people that in between all the good fun showbizzy “stuff” we also have lots of shit stuff going on as well and that’s what makes us relatable human beings?! I have smelly breathe, worry about my super, struggle with my family shit, have put on heaps of weight and forget friends birthdays too!!!? we live the same life as everybody else – just on the radio. The amount of people in my industry that constantly do picture perfect photo shoots of picture perfect lives I think do a lot of damage .ugh ???? It’s NOT REAL. What IS real is what so many women go through all the time and that is miscarriages. there is no way in the world I’m asking for sympathy or saying that I am different and that I deserve any more hugs and words of kindness than anybody else.. GOD NO. I just know that sharing this was powerful to do because of the amount of messages you guys have sent me!! Holy smoke. I’m talking hundreds of messages sharing the most incredible stories loss, hope, heartbreak & miracles! u people blow my tiny mind!!!! Hearing stories from you about how one lady also had a miscarriage at 9 weeks but then went onto have a beautiful baby who is now 14 have just given me the most incredible hope… I actually had no idea the stigma around miscarriage was so crap until I talked about it and SO many of you said “thank God ! YES KEEP TALKING” because I have been trying to talk about it and it is so taboo and hearing you talk about it has made it a wee bit be easier for me Bee and maybe a bit easier for someone else to start a conversation at home or in their workplace or wherever it may be about something so many people find very uncomfortable to talk about and yet something so many of us struggle though… #miscarriage #ivf #ttc #loss #pain #love #hope

A post shared by Radio TV Author Speaker Lover (@biancadye) on Mar 10, 2019 at 12:52am PST

Men were messaging in their droves, too.

“They sent me lovely messages, telling me their wife had opened up to them about miscarriage after hearing me talk about it on the radio,” Bianca revealed.

“I realised this was something people needed to talk about. It almost ‘normalised’ it for me, maybe that’s not the right word, but there is still such a stigma around talking about miscarriage.”

Stigma, shame, and a sense of guilt surrounding miscarriage are factors Bianca wants to address, along with whether waiting 12 weeks to tell people you’re pregnant is actually helpful for everyone.

“Often waiting until 12 weeks will leave you totally isolated. I was terrified what I was eating, terrified what I was doing, terrified to sneeze.”

“And then you have this feeling of shame when you miscarry - but why? It’s part of the fertility journey.

“Obviously mine was what’s become known as a ‘geriatric pregnancy’ [pregnancy over the age of 35] so you’re more likely to miscarry. The journey is hard enough as it is to not be open about it."

 

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????????????????????????‍♀️???????? hasn’t been the easiest 24 hours for us .... but life goes on #IVF #TTC #loss #miscarriage

A post shared by Radio TV Author Speaker Lover (@biancadye) on Mar 6, 2019 at 1:32am PST

“It was my third miscarriage and I realised how uncomfortable it made some people to talk about," Bianca continued. “You know, the looks of pity or the eyes straight to the floor. I’m not afraid to talk about uncomfortable subjects and yeah, talking about it has been a huge part of my healing process.

“I always think of myself as a tough cookie, but I really needed the support and needed to share. It felt like Brisbane (and beyond!) was giving me one big collective hug.”

Bianca says it’s really important to remember every woman will have a different reaction and going back to work was very difficult for her personally.

“The important thing to remember here is not to judge as everyone is different and will deal with a miscarriage differently,” she said. “I had a suction curettage [also known as vacuum aspiration] where they clear your uterus out, so to speak.

“I took 10 days off. I honestly didn’t think I’d need that. But I did.

"I just couldn’t face being the funny girl on the radio again.

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We all are... life can suck balls sometimes but we live, we have pain and we get stronger ???????? and it’s time to head back to reality/work/radioland tmrw... thankyou for your incredibly personal messages (so many!!) sharing ur own journeys - I’m touched that you opened up to me the way you did & I honestly feel like you all gave us a group hug and knowing Sooooo many of us go thru this everyday made the healing so much easier and quicker.. and.... We are gonna keep trying thanks to all your amaaaazing success stories : Thanku ????????❤️... #IVF #loss #hope #miscarriage #ttc #fertility #endometriosis catch you tmrw #biancamikebob #brisbane @973brisbane

A post shared by Radio TV Author Speaker Lover (@biancadye) on Mar 17, 2019 at 2:55am PDT

“When I went back to work, I end up having bad diarrhoea and I called my producer and was like ‘I can’t do it, I can’t face the world yet.’

“So I went home again.

“Yes, some women will be back at work the next day and power to them if staying busy is the right option for them. Everyone is different. You need to do what you need to do.

“I drank wine every night for two weeks as I just wanted to numb myself from the pain then my body was like ‘that’s enough now’ so I stopped. I put my big girl pants on and got ready to try again."

Her parting words of advice for those dealing with a miscarriage is simple:

“You should never ever feel ashamed."

If this article has raised any issues for you or if you would like to speak with someone, please contact the SANDS Australia 24 hour support line on 1300 072 637.

You can download Never Forgotten: Stories of love, loss and healing after miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death for free here.

Join the community of women, men and families who have lost a child in our private Facebook group.