'I left my marriage because I met my soulmate. Days later, I was single.'

This is an edited extract from When A Soulmate Says No: A Memoir by Amanda Trenfield, followed by an exclusive note from the author in her own words.

If you'd like to read the beginning of the book, in which Amanda describes how she met 'one of her soulmates', Jason, you can read it here.

I reached out to Jason about a month after we met to let him know that through the circumstances of a family friend's funeral, I would be near his home for a few days. I wrote that it would be lovely to see him. I tried to sound balanced and carefree.

I was honestly though desperate to reconnect in person; to see if his feelings for me mirrored my attraction to and feelings for him. Surely. I couldn’t see it any other way. I couldn’t entertain the potential for any other perspective. I wasn't the only one in the energy that night. I wasn't the only one in our intense connection. My eyes were not the only eyes affected. I wasn't the only one in our kisses.

He responded to my email immediately, confirming he'd love to see me too. I was ecstatic. The emails went back and forth searching for a time that suited us both until... silence.

Listen to Mia Freedman's full interview with Amanda Trenfield on the No Filter podcast. Story continues below.

The next morning, I received a message. It was brief, unemotive. He'd thought about my proposition and decided it wouldn't be a good idea for us to catch up or stay in touch. He declared he didn't want to "mess with my situation." Oh, and as a final sign-off he said, "look after yourself." I was devastated.

I couldn't let it go though. As I began to construct the reply, my heart began to pound, my mouth became bone dry, and my body temperature felt like it was spiking above 40 degrees. I wanted to hide. I wanted to disappear. And I also wanted to be sick. I didn’t allow the emotions or physical sensations to stop me though. I was brave and I was open, and I showed real vulnerability - and I have never in my life been the vulnerable person. I have never in my life shared that level of openness with anyone.

I pressed send. I waited. And I waited. And I waited. 

****************

A few days later, having not received a reply, I found myself on a beautiful beach as the sun was rising. Pink and purple painted the sky, and cool aqua-blue water lapped the shore. It was an extraordinary morning. I had my earphones connected and as my feet hit the sand, I pressed play on a random Spotify playlist. Diana Ross's incredible song "I'm Coming Out" filled my ears. I began to smile and laugh and cry, all at the same time! I actually broke into a spontaneous run. I am no runner! I intuitively and immediately understood the message was meant for me.

My new life was beginning. I was coming out. I didn't know where I was going: I didn’t know who would hold my hand, let me cry on their shoulder, or let me snuggle into their arms. I didn't know with whom I would enjoy new experiences, travel, or solve the world's problems. All I did know that morning as I walked the sand with cool water lapping my feet was that my new life was beginning. I felt invincible, open, brave, and vulnerable. My spirit was soaring, my body was alive. It was one of the most incredible mornings of my life.

After that amazing morning, "I'm Coming Out" became my anthem, my theme song, my song that when times were challenging - and there were many - led me home to my soul. It continues to be the most awesome, inspiring, heart-lifting, and powerful song in my life. Anytime I play it, I receive just as much joy as the first time I really heard it that day on the beach.

The song unfailingly gives me a "You Go Girl!" vibe. I have integrated the messages that as long as I'm positive, have faith and trust in myself then I can make it through life. Not only make it through life but emerge as the real authentic, flawed, honest and vulnerable Amanda. To step into my confidence and let the world see who I truly am.

The emotional trip came to an end a few days later without a phone call, email, or text from Jason. I slumped in the airport lounge with my parents and wrote in my journal. I could barely hold back my tears.

I'm at the airport and feeling thoroughly exhausted. It has certainly been a challenging month! Jason didn’t contact me - he either doesn't feel the same way about me or doesn't know how he feels. I desperately wanted to see him. I desperately wanted to know how he was feeling.

I wanted to understand if he was ok. I desperately wanted to know if this could be real, if my future really is with him. I wanted to kiss him and have him hold me and just 'know'. I wanted that moment in time again, where we looked into each other's eyes and knew we were home.

I take off for Sydney today, and I have to leave him behind. I have to be ok with that.

I clearly wasn't ok. I was heartbroken. My soul had been smashed into a million pieces. But I had to move forward. Somehow, I had to move forward.

****************

How the book unfolds: A note from the author.

The book explores seven key themes on my road to healing and rebuilding my life on MY terms. It begins with the broad theme of Back to Basics where I discovered (or re-discovered), a few simple uplifting pleasures and, at the other end of the spectrum, immersed myself in some very destructive practices.

I consider the art of journaling, the meditative and strengthening practice of yoga and the damaging tool I employed often and liberally – wine! This theme delves into the magical world of music and how it has the power to both lift your spirits and bring you down. The theme concludes with travelling and the healing power available when you explore the wider world – but only if you’re in the right company!

As I found myself struggling to understand the connection I shared with Jason, I went searching for answers above and beyond logical or rational explanations. That's how the second theme of Discovering Spirituality evolves. I begin my tale simply enough – with the practice of gratitude. I discuss how I explored everything Hay House and experimented with Louise Hay's practice of mirror work.

As my spiritual connection and understandings broadened, I became more open to interpreting signs delivered to me from the angelic realms and experimented with divination using oracle cards.

The last section of spirituality includes a visit to Elysia Wellness Retreat in the Hunter Valley which was a real turning point in my understanding of my connection with Jason. I met with the then 'in-house' spiritual healer, and she introduced another possible cosmic tie I have with him.

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When an experience happens that rocks your world, bringing the proverbial building down on top of you, you recognise – quickly – where your foundations are shaky and where they are solid and trustworthy. That’s the best metaphor for the next theme – The Changing Landscape of Friendships.

When I initially told a few close friends about Jason the reactions were varied, as expected. Some worried I was making a life-changing mistake by leaving a good man to walk into the unknown, some were completely supportive and recognised my foundation had been shaken in such a profound way that I didn't have a choice, and some didn't even bother to ask.

I highlight the relationships that strengthened which brought a richness and depth to connections I never thought possible, and then I explore the opposite - where friendships I had enjoyed for many years were not there for me in a way I expected (rightly or wrongly on my part).

As part of my changing friendship landscape, I was also introduced to new people for the next stage of my journey and I have been blessed with many new authentic and inspiring friends who just 'get me'.

It's then time to explore relationships with the opposite sex, aptly titled Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places.

I, like many women of a similar age, have been socially conditioned that in order to be whole, it is necessary to be in a relationship. For better or for worse, the culture of 'grow up, get married, have children' is deeply embedded in my psyche. That indeed, I wasn’t 'complete' without a partner.

Although I have enjoyed periods of singledom, I've always been more comfortable with someone in my life. I love nothing more than sharing stories of our day whilst cooking dinner together, enjoying some red wine and cheese, and snuggling up on the couch. As a woman with a healthy interest in emotional and sexual intimacy, I recognised an important part of my future would include building relationships with other souls.

So here, I divulge my experiences with a few men who have been an important part of my journey. They have provided ample opportunity for self-awareness, personal growth and ultimately, self-acceptance.

First, there was Aiden. Then along came Luke, again. I experimented with internet dating. And finally, there was Tim.

The next theme I explore is the World of Energy Healing where I went searching for modalities outside of traditional or conventional medicine on my path of self-discovery. I discuss the profound and wonderous healing that came through Kinesiology and Transference Healing. I was extremely blessed to receive my kinesiologist’s clinical perspective of my experience and she graciously consented to allow me to include her notes in the book.

My exploration of the Chiron would through Transference Healing has also been critical on the journey back to self, and I am so grateful for the introduction to this practice.

Meeting Jason lit the spark within me to begin the exploration of my own soul. While diving deeper and deeper into the waters of my quest, I was introduced to the world of Soul Energy – soul contracts, soulmates, kindred spirits and Twin Flames.

As I started learning about these connections, it was tempting to immediately fit the people in my life into one of these boxes. Sometimes the box was fairly obvious, but sometimes it was not. Human reasoning and logic cannot possibly account for the vastness of the universe and the interconnectedness of souls.

Life is messy, the universe is mysterious, and we don’t get all of our questions answered – that's part of the deal we signed up for. It's one of the many trappings of being human – we want to know all the answers but what an arrogant thing to demand of this one short and precious life.

I don't believe we meet people by chance; I believe every significant relationship has been determined to maximise our soul’s evolution. It may not be comfortable – it may even take you to the brink – but understanding a higher reason exists for meeting Jason has alleviated some of my self-inflicted pain and suffering.

The last theme is named A New Dawn and I reflect on the two years since meeting Jason – how much my life had transformed, what I had learnt about spirituality, soul growth, friendships, relationships and importantly, how I wanted to show up for my life in my power.

I touch on how I was moving forward and how the cogs had begun to turn with respect to my career, and how that's evolved into my becoming an accredited transformation coach and Human Design Consultant - Oh, and author!

When A Soulmate Says No by Amanda Trenfield is available now.

For more No Filter episodes, go to mamamia.com.au/podcasts/no-filter.

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