By ASHE DAVENPORT
Firstly, to clarify, if someone is over 30 and still has to wear a nametag at work, that’s a dealbreaker® (Tina Fey, 30 Rock season four), which means you wouldn’t be in a relationship with them. However, you might still have sex with them if the mood strikes.
1. They order a VERY WEAK latte with TWO sugars. Yuck mate.
2. They’re a white person with dreadlocks Even if they get rid of them the ghost of their dreadies will haunt you forever.
3. They’re always ready to snap at a taxi driver. Most likely pretty racist.
4. They have a soft, wet handshake. Severe lack of ‘throw down’ in the bedroom. Like making love to a clear, featureless jellyfish.
5. They bash the pedestrian crossing button several times in a row. Idiot.
6. They wear runners to and from work with their suit. Too. Comfortable. Do these people also wear adult nappies under all their clothes purely out of convenience? Expect their lovemaking to be a concoction of lazy and nervous.
7. They ride their bike to work in a full lycra get-up complete with fake European sponsors. Cringetown. Be cool geek!
8. Crocs. Unless this person is an old lady wearing a bright purple pair to match her crazy hat, Crocs are a big, unsexy ‘no no’. Seriously grow up.
9. A pigeon lands on their table and starts pecking their leftovers and they just keep sitting there nonchalantly. Too complacent. Most likely quite cheesy/unclean in the pants area.
10. They don’t own books® (John Waters)
Particularly if despite this, they’ve written their own. Here’s looking at you Warnie/Posh Spice/Elle McPherson.
11. They try to get on the train/bus/tram before letting people off. This person is never going to give you an orgasm. Not in this lifetime or the next.
12. They think Prince’s music sounds ‘dated’. Bad at sex.
13. The person looks like your twin brother/sister. That one’s on you pal!
14. They don’t tip. Expects you to go down on them but not the other way around.
15. Been working in promotional gigs for more than 10 years. Everyone knows you get one STD for every year you hand out garnier fructis samples while riding a segway around Fed Square. He/she got shit you never even dreamed of!
16. Wears Lynx deodorant and is over age. Quiet, jackhammer high school sex awaits you. (During which his mum will come in to collect his dirty laundry).