real life

30 top reasons not to have sex with someone.

Ashe Davenport

By ASHE DAVENPORT

Firstly, to clarify, if someone is over 30 and still has to wear a nametag at work, that’s a dealbreaker®  (Tina Fey, 30 Rock season four), which means you wouldn’t be in a relationship with them. However, you might still have sex with them if the mood strikes.

That’s where I come in.
The season to get down/make love is upon us. But before diving headfirst into the sack, consider the following 30 (tongue-in-cheek) reasons not to sleep with someone – and avoid those seedy sexcapades that just stay with you. No matter how many showers you take!

1. They order a VERY WEAK latte with TWO sugars. Yuck mate.

2. They’re a white person with dreadlocks Even if they get rid of them the ghost of their dreadies will haunt you forever.

3. They’re always ready to snap at a taxi driver. Most likely pretty racist.

4. They have a soft, wet handshake. Severe lack of ‘throw down’ in the bedroom. Like making love to a clear, featureless jellyfish.

5. They bash the pedestrian crossing button several times in a row. Idiot.

6. They wear runners to and from work with their suit. Too. Comfortable. Do these people also wear adult nappies under all their clothes purely out of convenience? Expect their lovemaking to be a concoction of lazy and nervous.

7. They ride their bike to work in a full lycra get-up complete with fake European sponsors. Cringetown. Be cool geek!

8. Crocs. Unless this person is an old lady wearing a bright purple pair to match her crazy hat, Crocs are a big, unsexy ‘no no’. Seriously grow up.

Our hero: Liz Lemon

9. A pigeon lands on their table and starts pecking their leftovers and they just keep sitting there nonchalantly. Too complacent. Most likely quite cheesy/unclean in the pants area.

10. They don’t own books® (John Waters)
Particularly if despite this, they’ve written their own. Here’s looking at you Warnie/Posh Spice/Elle McPherson.

11. They try to get on the train/bus/tram before letting people off. This person is never going to give you an orgasm. Not in this lifetime or the next.

12. They think Prince’s music sounds ‘dated’. Bad at sex.

13. The person looks like your twin brother/sister. That one’s on you pal!

14. They don’t tip. Expects you to go down on them but not the other way around.

15. Been working in promotional gigs for more than 10 years. Everyone knows you get one STD for every year you hand out garnier fructis samples while riding a segway around Fed Square. He/she got shit you never even dreamed of!

16. Wears Lynx deodorant and is over age. Quiet, jackhammer high school sex awaits you. (During which his mum will come in to collect his dirty laundry).

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17. Waits for the green man to cross the road even when there’s no cars. Nerd alert! Unless you’re into missionary sex followed by separate showers – this guy/gal plays it way too safe between the sheets.

18. Their relaxed face is a deep frown. Drainer.

19. Touches the waitress when they order. Has an unhealthy attitude towards women thanks to the secret solo stripper missions he’s been going on since he turned 18.

20. Has a high-pitched gremlin laugh in manner of ‘Murder in Toontown’ or ‘the hyenas from Lion King’. Most of their sex life has been spent in the creepiest corners of the internet, i.e. no reference as to what’s okay and what’s a felony.

21. Yells at other people’s kids. Rage issues. Bound to unload a post-coital rant about the disciplinary tactics of their parents/generally troubled childhood.

22. Sits on a fitball at work instead of a chair. Misguided. Only those who enjoy clumsy, slightly rough handjobs by candlelight while listening to a 3 Doors Down greatest hits cd need apply.

23. Makes timid costume choices. YAWN!

24. Overly confident gum chewing. These people have something to prove in life and in sex (they’re also quite mean to their mum when she rings). Expect an insane number of different positions and very little pleasure.

25. Opts for a bluetooth headset instead of a phone. No one is that busy. This goes hand in hand with cheap suits and a penchant for weirdly aggressive fetishes like ejaculating in your hair/handbag.

26. They lean right down and peer into the sandwich that’s sitting on your desk and ask “What’s for lunch today?” Virgin.

27. They carry their pet in a BabyBjörn. Mother issues.

28. Training to be an Olympic hand baller. Sorry no that’s not a real thing. Put your pants on and go.

29. Rests their coffee on top of the entire stack of newspapers when out for brunch. The devil.

30. Uses emoticons in every text. Lacks sexual confidence.

And there it is! Print it, pop it on the fridge, tell your friends about me, do whatever you gotta do. Also remember the main reason to have sex with someone… You think they’re fabulous.

What’s your sexual dealbreaker? Who do you regret sleeping with? No need to actually NAME them, an anonymous anecdote will suffice……

Ashe Davenport is a Melbourne based writer and dedicated student at the school of Beyoncé’s dance moves. For more of her tic tacs of wisdom head to http://streisandsuperman.tumblr.com/ and follow her on twitter here.

Tags: dating , sex
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