Every weekday for two weeks now, I’ve started my morning with a Google hangout. And every single time, without fail, I’m shocked by my own appearance.

It's rude and aggressive.

Last week I went several too many days without washing my hair, and since Australia started social distancing, I haven't used face wash. Only water.

My eyebrows are confused, my eyelashes have decided to grow at a 45-degree angle downwards (????) and I believe the correct word to describe my skin colour right now would be grey.

I always look like I've just woken up, rolled out of bed, and got in front of a camera, mostly because that's... exactly what I've done.

But there's one person who doesn't have time to look like a demon right now and her name is Zoë Foster Blake. I believe it was two days ago (but honestly who knows anymore, time has no significance) when I stumbled across her 13 minute IGTV video for "useful, easy morning skin and makeup for WFH and occasional Corona crying".

Zoë Foster Blake on how her makeup routine has changed since having kids. Post continues below. 

I clicked immediately because of my previously stated Google hangouts... constraints, and shhh shush quiet now because I must tell you what I learnt.

But before we get to that, I feel obliged to share the following public health announcement from Foster Blake's two-year-old daughter, Rudy:

 

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Please don’t make her scream. #stayhome #thtayhome #corona #covid_19

A post shared by ZOË FOSTER BLAKE (@zotheysay) on Mar 23, 2020 at 7:53pm PDT

Don't be naughty or she'll scream.

And now for what to do about my face:

"If there's one thing we all need right now, it's another person in their bathroom telling you and showing you how they do their skin and face," Zoë begins, and while she's being sarcastic, it's...  true tho. Show me your face so I don't have to think about the half a million people infected by a global pandemic for which there is no vaccine and no cure. Pls.

What's confusing, of course, is that Zoë's face looks perfect before she puts anything on it, which is distressing to me, personally.

She explains that she's worked from home for 10 years, so this is how she usually does her beauty routine and how do you not look like a foot I must know your secrets. 

 

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Just cos we don’t leave the dang house doesn’t mean we can’t look after our skin and do basic makeup to pep us the heck up. Takes 5 minutes, WILL make us feel better. ???? #stayhome

A post shared by ZOË FOSTER BLAKE (@zotheysay) on Mar 26, 2020 at 5:41pm PDT

Zoë prefaces her routine by saying she keeps her skincare "simple" and puts on a little bit of makeup to make her feel like a human, and so that if she does have to jump on a video call, she's ready to go.

Oh. Okay. So that's my first mistake. I'm never ready to go. I'm always, always shocked.

To prep her skin, Zoë first cleanses with the Go-To cleanser. Somehow she washes her face without ruining her entire bathroom/getting facewash in her hair/making herself go blind temporarily, but she does get water down her sleeves which is reassuring.

She then uses the Go-To Face Hero face oil and OMG I HAVE THAT ONE DOES THAT MEAN I GET YOUR FACE OR NO. Zoë does this thing than only beauty people do where they firmly pat their face and the product appears to seep in, before using Go-To's Zincredible Tinted Moisturiser with SPF and somehow using it to shape her eyebrows??

For a base, Zoë uses a Vapour foundation and applies it to an already moistened beauty blender and I used a beauty blender one time and it got dirty and then I didn't know what to do with it. 

She lightly dabs it all over her face but the colour match is so spot on that it just blends with her normal skin colour - an experience I have personally never had but is truly aspirational.

Next is IT Cosmetics' Bye Bye Under Eye which I MUST purchase IMMEDIATELY, and Zoë puts it in the under-eye area but not on the outer edges because that would emphasise lines and so true.

It's time for lashes, and Zoë doesn't have lash extensions at the moment which is lovely because neither do I (I've never had lash extensions). She's also stopped getting lash lifts because she found her lashes got a bit ruined after she'd had two in a row, and this is very important information I need to keep in mind for when lash lifts are no longer shut down by the government.

She uses an eyelash curler which I think I have somewhere deep in a drawer from 2007 so yes, I'll be digging that up after this.

But Zoë's mascara decision has changed as a result of COVID-19. You see, she, like most of us, now has daily cries, so has started using a tubular mascara so she's not left with "panda eyes after Corona crying".

She uses a brand she got in America and idk I don't think I have that but I can probably use one of my five mostly empty mascaras and see what that... does.

Given this is a 'working from home' look, Zoë isn't doing anything extravagant, but is using the most spectacular product I've ever seen: a shimmer eyeshadow from Trinny London in the colour 'fortune', which 'wakens up the eye,' and holy hell I don't fully understand what just happened but I'll take seven.

Next, it's time for 'tightlining' - which boosts the lashes by applying eyeliner to the upper lash line, and eyebrows, where she uses an Hourglass eyebrow thing that I definitely own. She brushes them UP, because it makes you look more AWAKE  and FRESH, and sets them in place with brow gel.

Finally, Zoë uses a cream blush she found in the States in a mulberry plum colour, which she much prefers over unnatural peaches and pinks. She says that's what suits her but HOW DO I KNOW WHAT SUITS ME. MY CURRENT PRODUCTS DEFINITELY DON'T BUT I'M ALSO NOT BRUNETTE AND WHAT IF MULBERRY LOOKS STUPID.

Sorry. I've spent a lot of time alone over the last few weeks and this is all very exciting.

She applies it in a 'Nike swoosh' shape over her cheeks, and puts some on her forehead and how and when did blush on your forehead become a thing and why does it look so good.

The cream blush also works as a lip stain, and by the end, this is what she looks like:

This woman is a wizard and I won't hear otherwise.

Now, excuse me while I dial into my next meeting.