1. Zayn Malik has released a poem called ‘Morning Zoem’ and we are 1000% not joking.
Forget JK Rowling. Move over Charles Dickens. Shakespeare who? There’s a new World’s Greatest Poet in Town. His name is Zayn Malik.
Yes, that Zayn Malik. The One Direction Zayn Malik. Zayn Malik Zayn Malik.
Jokes aside, it’s not the worst thing we’ve ever read.
Called Morning Zoem (Okay, THAT we need to talk about) it begins: Like a shameless flower/Cries at every wedding/You don’t have feelings/You just have petals.
Touching on identity, technology and human connectivity, it’s not clear how Malik wants it to be read. Somberly? Like slam poetry? Clapped to a beat?
Either way, these are some DEEP THOUGHTS people.
He even signed it off with his name as author and a date. Just so you know this is a piece of Zoetry.
2. Speaking of One Direction dudes acting bloody weird, Liam Payne wants you to know you have “PLANE LAG”.
It appears Zayn Malik wasn’t the only one going desperately rogue on social media this week, with Liam Payne channeling his inner 12-year-old, and feeling compelled to tell you that if you ride in normal planes, you’re a peasant.
Dressed in tracksuit pants with the Mona Lisa on them (no, not the punch line) and not one, but two different jackets, Payne, for no apparent reason, wrote:
“You only get jet lag from a jet, the rest of yall have got plane lag #NOF**KS.”
Did we mention he has a kid?
Lols. Guess we all have plane lag then. Darn.
3. Georgia Love and Lee Elliott’s Dubai holiday was splendid right up until the moment it really, really wasn’t.
We would like to send our uttermost condolences to Georgia Love and Lee Elliott who have been through a very trying ordeal these past 15 hours.
If you haven’t heard, the pair have been having an A-grade holiday in Duabi. Disney references were made, desert sand dunes were surfed, it was amazing… until it wasn’t.
One moment it was all sad faces with Instagram puppy filters on the plane back from Dubai, and next minute it was food poisoning on a “13 hour economy class fight.”
They do say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and if food poisoning in an enclosed rocket ship, with laughable leg space, doesn't dull the flame, there's not much that will.
Onward and upwards, we say.
LISTEN: The Highs And Lows of Being Georgia Love. Georgia Love speaks to Mia Freedman about finding Lee, losing her mum and dealing with the paparazzi on No Filter. Post continues after audio.
4. How Kathy Griffin feels about *that* Donald Trump photo, eight months on.
Eight months after that photo of Kathy Griffin, 57, standing with the head of a decapitated Donald Trump, was released, she's finally talking about it.
It was a photo that threatened to end the comedian and actresses' career and largely sent her into hiding since.
Speaking to The Hollywood Reporter, she's revealed that she lost friends, was sent death threats by Trump supporters and investigated by federal agents under possible charges with conspiracy to assassinate the president of the United States.
And while the comedian acknowledged she "went way too far," she doesn't think she was deserving of the backlash.
"I didn't commit a crime," she told The Hollywood Reporter. "I didn't rape anybody. I didn't assault anybody. I didn't get a DUI. I mean, my God, there are celebrities that f**king kill people."
And while she's making her next steps, and is planning to "return to North America sometime soonish," for now she's happy laying low in her $13.1 million (AUD), nine bedroom, 12 bathroom manor.
5. Literally just a list of where to find everyone from Married at First Sight on Instagram.
Now, don't say we never did anything for you...
We know that MAFS has started, we know you're a bit addicted, and we know you've been trying to find every MAFS couple on Instagram and Twitter.
But don't worry because we've done it all for you.
You're welcome.
LISTEN: It's all about I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here this week on Mamamia Out Loud. The team discuss Bernard Tomic's controversial exit, the MMOL Brisvegas tour and whether you can ever ask your friends not to bring their kids to a catch up.