Have you been on Australia’s worst date? I’ll be the judge of that. 

My name is Alita Brydon and, when I’m not mooching around eating chicken nuggets and watching Real Housewives, I run Bad Dates of Australia and Bad Dates of Melbourne on social media. 

With almost 190,000 followers across the country sending me anonymous tales of their most hilarious dating horrors, I know a bad date when I see one. And boy oh boy — I’ve seen a few. 

Pour a stiff drink, lower your romantic expectations, and let me remind you why single life is actually a pretty good option.

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The one with the bin ice cream.

"It was a beautiful summer day, and we were walking along St Kilda Beach. We walked past an overflowing bin with a small cup of ice cream sitting on top with a spoon. He picked up the cup of ice cream and started eating it. He then offered me some. I rejected the bin ice cream. Probably why I'm still single."

The one with the possum cigarette.

“We were hanging out in my backyard and we ended up kissing. I was delighted! Then he pulled out a hand-rolled cigarette that looked really dirty. I asked him about it and he said it was possum poo that he had found on a tree. He wanted to see what happened if he smoked it. He’d been smoking before we kissed as well, so I’d been in close contact with secondary possum faeces. I still want to wash my mouth out when that memory surfaces.”

The one with the giant blackhead.

"Met Mr Handsome on Oasis, spent the evening together and later went back to my place. The sun beamed through my curtains the next morning and he had his back to me. Right in the centre of his back, like a target point, was a gigantic blackhead. A crater right in the middle of his back! All I wanted to do was squeeze it. I never saw him again, but I think about that blackhead all the time and what it would have been like. He probably doesn’t even know it’s there.”

The one with the guy who faked being asleep.

"We got to dinner and he talked about himself the entire time. If I talked about myself at all, he would fake falling asleep at the dinner table and snore. This happened every time I tried to say something. Once I would stop trying to talk, he would 'wake up' and go back to talking. There was no second date."

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The one with the pubes on the floor.

"After things started getting hot and heavy on the couch between me and the guy, I realised that I wasn’t exactly 'up to date' with certain downstairs maintenance. After excusing myself to go to the bathroom, in a drunken state I ripped open and used an entire packet of disposable razors on myself. Each razor was flung into the air after every single stroke, along with whatever was attached to the razor. When I realised how intoxicated I was, I abandoned this mission halfway through and fell asleep in a random bedroom. The next morning I woke to the sound of someone yelling, 'Why are there pubes all over the bathroom?’ I looked down, saw the hack job I had created and was absolutely mortified. After story: I stayed to clean up the mess and had a rendezvous with the guy when I was more sober."

The one with the movie deal-breaker.

"So I went on this date with a girl. She was really chill until we decided to go to the movies and she did the cardinal sin and mixed perfectly good popcorn with Maltesers. Now if that ain’t a deal-breaker, I don’t know what is. Safe to say, there won’t be another date after this one. I felt sick when I munched in and got some horrible mix of chocolate and popcorn. Yuck!"

Stories have been edited for clarity and length.

Alita Brydon is a comedy writer and creator of the Facebook Page, Bad Dates of Melbourne. You can follow her on Instagram and on  Facebook.

Feature Image: Supplied.