Have you heard of ‘the mental load’ (also known as emotional labour)?
The term is bouncing about everywhere right now. Google it if you like, but this is my understanding of it:
The mental load is carried (predominantly) by women. It comprises the things that (they believe) are essential to the welfare of their relationship or family, for example meal planning, remembering relatives’ birthdays, or buying toothpaste before it runs out. The carrier of the mental load often feels overwhelmed or resentful because their partners don’t share it.
Now, I am all for the equitable distribution of work, including paid employment, childcare, chores, and general life admin. However, my sympathy for people who complain about their ‘mental load’ nose dives when I hear or read this:
‘My partner should know what to do without me having to ask them. Me having to ask adds to my mental load.’
In other words:
‘I expect my partner to mind-read or interpret my passive aggressive clues, while I continue to do everything myself because no one else’s efforts meet my standards.’
These are not the actions of an empowered person. These are the actions of a pouting child. And they feed offensive stereotypes. Specifically, the stereotype of the inept, man who doesn’t know how to dress or feed his children, while his wife snorts derisively, does it all herself, and then complains to her friends about her useless husband.
Top Comments
I too was very sick after my first child was born... my husband without question took on the role of caretaker... he too is a very capable human being; can think for himself and does, always has. He was, is even, rare among his peers... not all, in fact almost none of the other men in my life of his generation could have or at least would have picked up the mantle as my husband did when I was ill... they would have got their mother's involved!
The author themselves fell into the "mental load" trap: they got "very ill" but still handed the baby to the husband WITH INSTRUCTIONS to pick up formula, bottles and a sterilizer on his way home... THAT's the POINT; he should have seen what was needed, the mother had - why should she have to think of that for him, especially while "very ill"? She shouldn't,
The fact that he "had the mental load" for that time was probably a very good thing, he would have been very aware that it IS work, running a house and family. I'm sure my husband got an appreciation for it when I was essentially unavailable for some months
I count myself lucky that I have the husband I have, I don't think I was smart, clever, better informed, to "make better choices",more worthy or deserving, I think I was lucky... I did not live with my husband before we married, I had not road tested him for his ability to share the emotional workload... I was LUCKY that I got one of the (apparently rare) ones that willingly does so.
I would never be so arrogant as to assert that my husband shares the mental load because I've been so good at imparting my needs, of training him... and all that without having to resort to "passive aggressive clues".
Had I not been so lucky, like my sister with her first husband, I would have been just as stressed as she was... her husband would not discuss her "issues"... her wanting to do so, her "finding the time and energy to discuss" her mental load was an effort - a totally wasted effort as he was not interested in the discussion. Eventually HE left her... for a woman who kept the house "better", mopped the floor and baked perfect birthday cakes. That didn't last and he married a third time, finally finding the "good woman" he felt he deserved, a woman who was brought up in a mysoginist culture - maybe the next generation of that culture will show the burden needs to be shared
The concept of sharing responsibility NEVER came to him, why would it? He's innately lazy, he was disinterested in making his wife (any of them) content by helping, with or without requests, with running his family.
"making a better choice" as the author put it sounds fine and dandy; of course not all women take the lives and lifestyles of their children in such a cavalier fashion, they put those considerations ahead of their own.
I agree 95% with this article. My only gripe is that emotional labour is managing your own and other people's emotions. It requires emotional intelligence where mental load is planning and monitoring.
My husband's mother did everything for him and expects me to carry on the tradition. I realised the situation when I started dating him at 19 y/o and refused to play along. I've had some disappointments. The time he spent 5 hours cleaning the bathroom whilst I cleaned the rest of the house and made a 3 course meal comes to mind. But I learnt from the experience. Ever since I've given him and the kids (when they were old enough) the complete list of things to do before visitors. There's four of us and we divide the list into quarters with the kids getting first dibs.
You're doing yourself and your family no favours by making them so dependent. What would happen if you died unexpectedly tomorrow? In addition to the grief of losing you, they'd have the pressure of trying to learn how to be responsible and experiencing the inconvenience and disappointment when they fail. (Don't expect people to help them indefinitely. They won't. People are too busy with their own mental loads.)