'My friends are miserable in their marriages. So I asked them why they stay.'

Over the past month or so, I've had 3 separate conversations with friends of mine who are all in their 40s, married and miserable.

"Do you ever feel like you just wouldn't be that sad if the relationship ended?"

"I can think of nothing better than having my own house with my own stuff and no-one to have to share anything with anyone."

"Why are they (husbands) so infuriating? I'm getting nothing out of this anymore."

Of course, many people vent about their relationships with trusted friends. It's a natural and healthy way to process and get support for things going on inside our relationships. 

But there's a theme emerging in my friendship circle that goes beyond the usual whinge fest about our partners. My friends are genuinely miserable and unfulfilled, and it's unsettling.

As someone who is divorced and in their 40s, I'm a huge advocate of the single life. It's liberating to no longer have to compromise with another adult and, when your children are grown or not around, your time is genuinely your own.

This alone isn't really reason enough to blow up and family and get divorced, but some of my friends are genuinely miserable. They aren't being treated well and are struggling with carrying the emotional load of trying to revive the relationship. Yet, they flat-out reject the idea of a different life (without their partner).

So, what's holding them back? Why do they refuse to consider the alternative? Well, I asked. And here's a summary of what they said.

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Some stay out of fear — fear of loneliness, fear of starting over, fear of financial ruin, fear of losing friends, fear of the unknown. This is not to be downplayed — when you've been with the same person for 10 to 20 years your entire world is centred on the relationship.

Others stay for the sake of their children, believing that stability, even if unhappy, is better than upheaval. I, and many experts, disagree with this. But, I have also been in a situation where I stayed a little too long for the sake of the children, so understand the strength of this argument. 

There's also the pervasive belief that they should be grateful for what they have and that wanting more is selfish or unrealistic. This one grinds my gears because it's such a pervasive and patriarchal trope that women are selfish if they want the best for themselves.

Settling for mediocrity becomes a comfortable compromise, a way to avoid the discomfort of change. This was the most common reason I heard. The dreams and aspirations of their 20s may seem distant and unattainable now, buried under years of responsibilities and obligations. The exhaustion of juggling career, family and personal needs leaves little room for self-reflection, let alone envisioning a different future.

I am never here to judge my friends for the choices they make, and always want to be a safe space for their venting. I also know from experience that leaving a stable relationship comes with its own set of challenges, chief among them, shame. Society often judges women who leave seemingly good relationships, questioning their motives and labelling them as selfish or ungrateful. This societal pressure can be overwhelming, leading many women to stay in unhappy relationships rather than face the stigma of leaving.

But, even in the face of all of that, there are two things I offer from the perspective I have learned/had thrust upon me through unexpected divorce and other life hurdles.

1. Change is inevitable. We evolve, we grow and our desires and needs change along with us.

2. It's okay to want something different for yourself at 40 than you did at 20. It's not a betrayal of your younger self to seek happiness and fulfillment in new ways.

It's okay to want more, to seek happiness and fulfillment on your own terms.

Your 40s can be a time of re-evaluation and reinvention, a time to prioritise your own needs and desires. This doesn't mean you have to get divorced. It might mean that it's time to start a new relationship chapter and start to do things a little differently as you and your partner enter a different phase of life, together.

But above all else, you deserve a relationship that brings you joy and fulfillment. Striving for this doesn't make you selfish, it makes you smart.

This story originally appeared on Medium and has been republished with full permission.

Feature Image: Getty.