You don’t have to be a parent to understand how soul-destroying a child’s whine can be. No, the long high-pitched drawn out cry emitted, mainly by small children, translates to almost everyone. This is because it is very, VERY annoying.
Whining or as I like to call it, torture, is a method that has been cultivated and perfected over time with some kind of secret code that somehow has managed to span the generations. It’s like some secret fight club where children hand down their techniques to the new recruits, thus keeping the dream of breaking their parents will to live, alive.
To those of you who understand what I’m talking about and even those that don’t, I present you with this: The top ten reasons my child is whining.
1. I didn’t tie his shoelaces up tight enough.
Apparently, unless I cut off the blood supply to my son’s toes when I tie his shoelaces in the morning, I am not doing it right.
2. I wouldn’t let him eat BBQ Shapes in the bathtub
GOD, I know, how unreasonable of me. What kind of mother denies their child the baked deliciousness of unhealthy snacks when they are supposed to get clean and soaking in the tub?
3. I didn’t cut his toast the right way
“The right way” changes on a daily basis and my crime here was that I took the initiative and cut his toast into Soldiers instead of triangles.
This offence also extends to putting BBQ sauce on his sausage when he only wanted it on his mashed potato. Or taking the lid off his yoghurt when he wanted to do it himself. I clearly need to bust out my mother flipping crystal ball.
4. Because I won’t let him watch a movie that is rated MA15+. Because he’s seven.
“But all my friends have seen Paranormal Activiteeeeeee”. This from a seven year old. What kind of parent is allowing their child to watch a movie where inexplicable paranormal life forces are KILLING people in their bedrooms? Good luck getting your child to sleep in their own bed ever again, geniuses.
5. Because I brushed her hair.
When my daughter was younger, I had to brush her hair daily or she would swiftly end up looking like she belonged in a commune. This did not stop her from whining from beginning to end.