When I say having an orgasm leaves my pillow wet, it’s not what you may think.
For the past few years, having an orgasm has often been followed by a barrage of tears.
The first time it happened I even shocked myself. The earth shattered, as it often does a few times a week, and a second later, solid tears were flowing continuously down my face in what I can only imagine as a confusing expression of post-orgasmic bliss and utter heartbreak.
I was trembling all over, not from the aftershocks, but from the loud sobs that were escaping from my mouth. The same mouth that only seconds before was moaning and breathing as heavily as if I was playing the subject of Channing Tatum’s affections in a new Magic Mike sequel.
The after party for my finger twiddling is random, inconsistent, and intense. And although I haven’t been able to nail the exact reason why this occurs, I have managed to pinpoint the three tear-inducing frames of mind that tend to lead to the post-orgasmic meltdowns.
Sidenote: I’m not talking about the kind of discreet crying that happens when you’re watching a sad movie at the cinemas… I’m talking about the ‘get yo’self a tissue and clean yo’self up kind’ of grief; the kind of howling that leaves you snotty nosed and wet faced.
So, what brings on these tears? I’m glad you asked – here’s what I’ve worked out so far.
You know when babies are so overly tired they can’t help but let it all out in a ginormous explosion of tears? Same, same, but in the comfort of your own bed, after just thinking about the hot guy who bought you a drink earlier that night… or Ryan Gosling in The Notebook (whatever works, girlfriend).
After this particular category of post-orgasm meltdown, I fall into an extremely peaceful and deep sleep. Sometimes, in desperation of a decent night’s rest, I find myself racing to the finish line begging for the anaesthetic qualities of my tears.
Sometimes I just need that final release to lull me to sleep faster than two bottles of red. But I’ve learned that just like a decent man, if you go looking for it, you’ll never catch it… these kinds of tears always catch you unaware.
Listen: A sex column has gone viral after a guy asked for advice as to why his girlfriend was masturbating AFTER sex. Post continues below.