Much like Taylor Swift, I recently turned 25. I also recently became single. Even more recently (it was about 15-minutes ago) I read Elite Daily’s “51 Things That A 25-year-old Single Girl Really Wants for Christmas.” It didn’t resonate with me. Actually, it filled me with very un-seasonal fury.
“Let’s be honest, Christmas has really lost its charm. Ever since we became aware of the undeniable truth that no amount of gifts or gift cards will ever satisfy our aching souls, there just doesn’t seem like there’s much point to it anymore.
“Because everything we want, you can’t give us. All the things we yearn for can’t be wrapped. And this year, we really don’t need another Anthropologie bathrobe. We need a f*cking boyfriend.”
If my soul wasn’t “aching” before, it is now. Cue, outrage.
It continues: “I need a man to blow my mind and a suppressed appetite to fit into those jeans you should have bought me instead.”
DO. NOT. WANT.
From “our 12-year-old metabolism” to Kim K’s ass, liposuction and a permanently hairless vagina, the article reads like the definitive list of things that no 25-year-old woman with any soul at all could possibly put on her Christmas list.
“12. Over 200 “likes” on an Instagram picture.” Mission accomplished, Elite Daily.
Thus, I have taken the liberty of creating a new list. A better list. A list of ten things I might actually want this holiday season. Hint: not one of them is a new boyfriend.
1. The proposed changes to Newstart to fail.
Much like many of the less equitable measures outlined in Joe Hockey’s May budget, the proposed changes to Newstart have yet to make it through the Senate. But they still might. The changes would mean that young people under the age of 30 (that’s you 25-year-olds) who find themselves out of work will be forced to serve a waiting period before they receive any support from the Government.
If they manage to survive six-months with NO INCOME AT ALL, they’ll then receive a pittance for the next six-months, contingent on their capacity to work for the dole. Youth unemployment is on the rise and starving young people who don’t have middle-class parents to call on is not the way to fix it.
Because while I am lucky enough to be a 25-year-old with a swell job, youth unemployment in Victoria is at a 15 year high, Mr Hockey.
2. This puppy.
Look. At. His. Paws. Image via Guide Dogs Victoria.
3. A novelty Christmas jumper.
Did you hear that The Internet? Can someone please buy me this Christmas jumper? Everyone knows the only thing funnier than puns, is seasonal, cat-related puns.