Much like Taylor Swift, I recently turned 25. I also recently became single. Even more recently (it was about 15-minutes ago) I read Elite Daily’s “51 Things That A 25-year-old Single Girl Really Wants for Christmas.” It didn’t resonate with me. Actually, it filled me with very un-seasonal fury.

It opens:

“Let’s be honest, Christmas has really lost its charm. Ever since we became aware of the undeniable truth that no amount of gifts or gift cards will ever satisfy our aching souls, there just doesn’t seem like there’s much point to it anymore.

“Because everything we want, you can’t give us. All the things we yearn for can’t be wrapped. And this year, we really don’t need another Anthropologie bathrobe. We need a f*cking boyfriend.”

If my soul wasn’t “aching” before, it is now. Cue, outrage.

It continues: “I need a man to blow my mind and a suppressed appetite to fit into those jeans you should have bought me instead.”

DO. NOT. WANT.

From “our 12-year-old metabolism” to Kim K’s ass, liposuction and a permanently hairless vagina, the article reads like the definitive list of things that no 25-year-old woman with any soul at all could possibly put on her Christmas list.

“12. Over 200 “likes” on an Instagram picture.” Mission accomplished, Elite Daily.

Thus, I have taken the liberty of creating a new list. A better list. A list of ten things I might actually want this holiday season. Hint: not one of them is a new boyfriend.

1. The proposed changes to Newstart to fail.

Much like many of the less equitable measures outlined in Joe Hockey’s May budget, the proposed changes to Newstart have yet to make it through the Senate. But they still might. The changes would mean that young people under the age of 30 (that’s you 25-year-olds)  who find themselves out of work will be forced to serve a waiting period before they receive any support from the Government.

If they manage to survive six-months with NO INCOME AT ALL, they’ll then receive a pittance for the next six-months, contingent on their capacity to work for the dole. Youth unemployment is on the rise and starving young people who don’t have middle-class parents to call on is not the way to fix it.

 Because while I am lucky enough to be a 25-year-old with a swell job, youth unemployment in Victoria is at a 15 year high, Mr Hockey. 

2. This puppy.

 Look. At. His. Paws. Image via Guide Dogs Victoria.

3. A novelty Christmas jumper.

Did you hear that The Internet? Can someone please buy me this Christmas jumper? Everyone knows the only thing funnier than puns, is seasonal, cat-related puns.

via

4. People to stop being afraid of using the F-word.

Whether it’s the ONLY female member of the Australian cabinet or Time magazine, I am tired of women being afraid of the word “feminism”.

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I don’t need fisimes because it is terrifying that their superheroes are coming for us, i think this one is ‘Batman’ pic.twitter.com/XaboR7THGg

— WomanAgainstFeminism (@NoToFeminism) August 25, 2014

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5. To watch Home Alone.

I actually did this one last night, but I may do it again.

Nb: Home Alone ≠ rubbish.

6. This vibrator. 

Because while I don’t need a f*cking boyfriend, I do have needs. And iroha has crafted the cutest, prettiest, least intimidating range of vibrators I have ever seen.

7. This mug.

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8. The Seth Cohen Christmukkah Starter Pack.

Nobody does the holiday season better than the creator of the Christmas/Hanukkah hybrid Seth Cohen, and while my affection for crying and listening to Death Cab for Cutie has waned (guys, I’m 25 now), my love of ‘The Goonies’ has not and I still want the classic Cohen Chrismukkah starter pack.

9. To finally master the Mean Girls Jingle Bell Rock dance.

10. A world where women don’t make Christmas lists that include ‘a boyfriend’ and make us all sound like vapid dickheads.

Obviously there are innumerable things I would wish for my life and the world, but you know what I really don’t want this Christmas? I don’t want to be told that I am worth the sum of the things I can and can not afford or that I should be ashamed of my brain, my body, my appetite or my lack of Instagram followers.

For me, Christmas is not unlike a quarter life crisis. It is a time to reflect on the things that matter to you, how lucky you are and the things you want to achieve. It’s a time to hangout with your friends and family and a time to eat all of the things and drink all of the beers, because to be quite honest, in December it’s much too hot to be wearing tight pants.

If you’re trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done and were hoping for a list of real-life gift ideas, I do apologise. Here is a list of ten pressies you can buy that actually make a difference (and will also confirm your status as top-notch present chooser): “The do-gooder’s guide to Christmas shopping“.