'I wrote a novel about toxic masculinity. I didn't have to look far for inspiration.'

“When women say no, what they really mean is ‘convince me’.”

“Is it any wonder they cheated when you look like that?”

“I’ve never heard a no that I can’t turn into a yes.”

These are lines from my new thriller novel, a twisted revenge tale centred around infidelity. However, they aren’t completely crafted from my imagination.

Shockingly, these lines and the things they suggest come from my research. Research I conducted in the most everyday of places – on social media.

Watch: Julia Gillard On What She Would Have Done Differently | No Filter with Mia Freedman. Post continues below.

Yes, that’s right - the inspiration for these lines was taken from real life. Not the social media profiles of people who are purposefully provocative or influencers who built a career on controversy, but from the profiles of ‘real people’.

Comments made by everyday, ‘normal’ men. Men who have photos of their wife and children in their profile pictures. Men who share selfies of them with their parents on wholesome days out. Men who look like your neighbour, the person sat next to you on the bus, your friend’s partner.

Does that shock you?

Initially it shocked me, but the more I thought about it, the more that surprise ebbed away.

There seems to be a myth when we talk about things like incel culture or toxic masculinity that they’re bred in very small, specific corners of the internet. The dark web or some other murky, mysterious place that’s out of sight – but they’re not. These attitudes are bred in broad daylight, on comment feeds, in places of work and education settings all over the world.

Think about it – when women talk about the fear we live in, the threat of sexual assault or gender-based violence, how often are we silenced by the line ‘but not all men’? How often are concerns about the gender pay gap dismissed? How often do people look the other way instead of listening and working to make the necessary change?

I wanted to be shocked when I started researching toxic masculinity for my book, I really did, but how could I be? Every day, every time I look online, I see evidence of that dismissiveness and violence seeping through the mainstream.

Female influencers are trolled about their weight, appearance, and way of making income. A woman is allowed to rise only so high before a ‘damning’ article is written about her and peoples want to attack and bring her down. Women like Grace Tame are told to smile when they’re standing up and fighting for our right to safety. Concerns are dismissed as hysteria, as attention seeking, as dramatics. Sometimes it seems like if our voices aren’t being silenced then they’re being ridiculed.

Of course, it goes without saying that the ‘not all men’ adage is correct. I saw plenty of replies from men expressing their disgust in the comments I took inspiration from, but still those comments were posted. Still enough men are saying these things that there is an issue. So yes, it’s ‘not all men’, but it’s enough men that we need to talk about it.

Image: Jess' book is out on October 23, 2022.

Once you spot the violence, it’s hard to unsee it. Try to find a post made by a celebrity that doesn't have, derogatory responses posted underneath it. Newspapers and gossip columns invite commentary on women’s bodies, who they’re dating, how they’re aging. When reporting on domestic violence, reports are quick to say what a ‘great dad’ the perpetrator was, as if remembering his child’s birthday makes up for the fact that he attacked his partner.

We’ve been conditioned to accept this as normal. It’s just a troll, it’s just a joke, they’re only words... but this situation is so far from normal.

More than that, the ramifications of these attitudes are not normal, and they are far-reaching. We live in a society where private schoolboys complete dares to degrade their target. Where we reach a point of needing in-depth investigations into institutions and places of work over years of dismissed allegations of sexual harassment.

This cruelty and aggression is often passed off as ‘boys will be boys’, ‘banter’ or even ‘flirting’ - because if they’re mean to you, it means they like you, right?

Wrong!

We need ‘boys will be held accountable to their actions’.

We need ‘yes means yes, no means no’.

We need change, and we need it now.

Maybe then when researching for future books, I’ll have to dig a little harder to find the toxicity.

Feature Image: Supplied