'I just discovered 'Child Free Math' and it changes everything.'

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard of ‘Girl Math.’ You’ve probably encountered it on TikTok, seen it pop up in your group chats, or have even accidentally used it in your everyday life when justifying unnecessary purchases. 

"Buying a $169 tote bag is actually an investment - if I use it every day for at least a year that’s only 46 cents a day. Plus, it’ll help me look more than professional at my next job interview."

"Yes, getting a $499 Dyson hair dryer may seem excessive but in the long run it’ll save me a tonne of money on hair products. And if I get it, I won’t need to go to the hair salon anymore to get my weekly blow-dry."

So yes in a matter of months ‘Girl Math’ has well and truly become part of our everyday dialogue. But have you ever heard of ‘Child Free Math?’ Similar to ‘Girl Math,’ it’s again all about justifying unnecessary spending.

While you're here, watch 5 money lessons your parents told you, that you should probably forget. Post continues after video.

But this time it’s about using the cost of not having children as a reason to buy things. For example, yes I may spend $30 a fortnight buying my cat biodegradable tofu kitty litter, however, if I had a baby I would be spending like $80 a fortnight on nappies. 

Here are some other ways I incorporate Child Free Math into my life: 

A while back a friend told me childcare can range between $50 to $200 PER DAY. You heard that right folks - PER DAY. Honestly, how are y’all affording this? Are you okay? Do you need a hug? Anyway, since this revelation, on several occasions I’ve admittedly used the cost of childcare as a way to justify my unnecessary spending.

Me: "I just spent $120 on books when I already have a shelf of unread books at home?" Also me: "That’s okay - it’s not like you’re spending that amount of money every day. If you had kids, you could be spending $50 to $200 PER DAY just on childcare." 

And yes I know comparing myself to an alternative version of myself just to justify my spending habits is not practical. I am well aware of this. 

Anyway... on average my partner and I try to only spend $200 on groceries every week. Big emphasis on TRY as more often than not we’ll go over the weekly food budget with takeaway and dinner with friends. But at least there’s two of us to split the costs. 

If we had a child, they couldn’t contribute to our grocery bill. In fact, our weekly spending on food would only get BIGGER and BIGGER every year the kid gets older and needs to be fed more. 

Speaking of bigger and bigger (yes I know I made a fat joke about myself, that doesn’t mean you can make fat jokes about me), as someone who fluctuates in weight every year, I constantly have to buy clothes in different dress sizes. 

And because I’m a plus size gal, I can’t just pop down to my local Vinnies or Westfield and rummage through the sales bins. So if I need a dress for say a wedding or a business event I’m looking at spending around $90 to $120. 

When I have to make purchases like this, I often feel guilty and even hateful towards myself and my ever-changing body. 

HOWEVER... if I had a child, I would be spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars on clothes every year because kids are constantly growing out of their clothes, shoes and school uniform. In fact, according to a 2021 Finder Survey, parents will spend on average $1,794 EVERY YEAR on clothes for their children. So really in hindsight buying a $100 dress every so often isn’t so bad in comparison. 

Another example for those of you still reading... my partner and I are planning to go to Japan next year for our first overseas holiday. Already I feel overwhelmed looking at the flight costs. I so badly want to get extra leg room because being a plus size gal while travelling is THE ABSOLUTE WORST (that’s a rant for another time). But it can cost hundreds of dollars extra just to have more centimetres added to my leg space. But imagine having a kid while travelling - I would have to buy an entire extra seat for them. Or I would have to guilt trip my in-laws into babysitting them for a fortnight. 

Again I ask this to all the parents out there - are you okay? How do you do it? How do you make decision after decision always considering this other person and their wants and needs? Because look I love my partner, my friends, my family, my fur babies - but they don’t constantly influence my everyday decision making. Yes, of course they influence SOME of my decisions, but not every single one from the moment I wake up and check my phone. 

Anyway, back to Child Free Math. I understand it may not be everyone’s cup of tea but I think as the months and years go by we’re going to end up with all kinds of ‘math’ to justify our spending habits. 

Listen to Mamamia Out Loud, Do you need to justify a ridiculous purchase? Simply employ the genius of girl math. Clare teaches us how. Post continues below.

Partner Free Math? Pet Free Math? Sober Math? No Longer Smoking Math? No Longer Partying Every Weekend Math? Yes, these evolutions of ‘Girl Math’ may seem frivolous, maybe even immature. But sometimes we need things like ‘Girl Math’ or ‘Child Free Math’ to help us get through these tough times. We just survived a global pandemic. 

We’re currently going through a cost of living crisis. So yes sometimes we need ‘silly’ things like ‘Girl Math’ and ‘Child Free Math.’ 

Sometimes we need some light-hearted fun in our lives. I know it’s not exactly SMART financial advice, but it’s helping people be less hard on themselves in a world where the entire system is working against us.

You can follow Demi Lynch here. 

Feature Image: Supplied