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ASK CHANTELLE: My partner wants to try some BDSM, but I have no idea where to start.

Mamamia's Ask Chantelle series is a pervy Q&A session with Psycho-Sexologist Chantelle Otten. Think about all the sex questions you've wanted answers for, but have been too shy to ask. Nothing is too embarrassing, kinky or wild for Chantelle. Honestly, we've all probably wondered the same thing too. This week, one woman wants to know everything there is to know about BDSM. And, if you have a sex question you want answered, email [email protected] with Ask Chantelle in the subject line.

My partner wants to try some BDSM, but I have no idea where to start. Help!

Honey, it's all good. BDSM is a broad term for a lot of kinky play. BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage, discipline/domination, sadism and masochism.

Bondage is the act of tying down, or being tied down during sexual activity, maybe with rope, tape, a scarf or chains. 

Discipline and domination is relinquishing control to our partner, having them control our sexual pleasure and potentially punish us for misbehaving. Depending on the punishment...we might be naughty on purpose! 

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Sadism refers to people who enjoy inflicting pain on others.

Masochists are those who enjoy someone inflicting pain on them. This might just be spanking, or maybe some whipping, or maybe a caning. Now, you don’t need to be every letter to be kinky. 

When it comes to BDSM, we have to acknowledge dominance and submission, as it's usually quite a big part of BDSM play. 

This is the power exchange between partners, whereby one partner (the submissive) gives over all the control to the other (the dominant). This may be only in their sexual relationship or it may be in other aspects of the relationship. 

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This might mean that the dom partner is allowed to lightly (or firmly) spank them, control the erotic situation, or tie up the sub partner. 

It’s important to not assume that the submissive partner is always the woman. Though that’s the more popular theme in romance novels and movies (hello, 50 Shades), men can also be submissive too.

Some terms that you must know about BDSM include, SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) – these are the cornerstone philosophies in BDSM play.  

All activities must be consensual and safe, so you need to have a good chat before you go into BDSM play. 

Safe words are also crucial. A word is given by the sub to basically say, “stop everything right now”. The words “no” or “stop” aren’t typically used as safe words because sometimes in BDSM play, someone may say “no” as part of the erotic play.

So a word that easily sticks out like “BERRIES” or something else abstract is chosen. When the sub says that word, everything stops immediately, no questions asked. No persistence.

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Want to try a little BDSM play?  

Why not try a game called ‘The Guessing Game’. It is easy and can be adjusted to your comfort level. The dominant partner uses a blindfold on the submissive partner. 

When visuals are taken away, the dom brings out the toolkit needed to stimulate thesSub’s body. These items have been agreed on before the experience (to avoid nasty surprises), and the level of pressure or pain has always been consented too.

Some toys in the kit could be, a feather, a paddle, candle wax, an ice cube, nipple clamps or a pinwheel. The game is on, and as the dom is using these, the sub must guess what that item is! If the sub gets it right, they get a reward (e.g. neck kisses), if they get it wrong they get a ‘punishment’ (e.g. a paddle slap on the ass). 

I recommend if you want to get into BDSM play, start slow and do your research!

Feature Image: Supplied.

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