The following deals with pregnancy loss, which may be triggering for some readers. For 24-hour support, please contact Sands Australia on 1300 072 637.
No one talks about this, but we must talk about this.
I was not prepared for how traumatic the experience of miscarrying at home would be. It was frightening, extremely painful, confronting and heartbreaking, but worst of all, it caught me completely by surprise.
I asked myself why I didn't know about this, but I already knew the answer: I didn't know because no one speaks about it. The topic is taboo, and the subconscious message we are told by society is that when we lose a baby, we should keep it private.
Well, f**k that. Informed is best — always. So here we go.
This is my honest recount of what I would easily say was one of the most awful experiences of my life.
Watch: A tribute to the babies we've lost.
It started Sunday afternoon.
Prior to that, I was completely fine. Then suddenly, one painful surge came after the next. They would build and peak and then taper. I could feel I was losing a lot of blood, filling pad after pad.
Fast-forward five minutes, and I couldn't speak. I was doubled over in pain and kept thinking, 'What the hell is happening? This is not normal. Women wouldn't go through this at home and not speak about it, surely?!'
(What I found out later that night, from our DMs filling with personal stories, is that this is normal, particularly with a missed miscarriage. Women go through this sudden excruciating pain at home and most, just like me, were completely caught off guard.)
I was lying in my shower, trying to control my breathing and trying to hide the pain from my three-year-old daughter who, despite my husband's attempts to wrangle her and our 14-month-old, wanted to be right next to Mummy.