'I'm a mum of three. My head knows I'm "done" but my heart wants more babies.'

I’m starting to think that there are two types of parents out there: those who are firmly and happily in the ‘no more, we’re done’ camp, and those who could happily keep on riding the baby train. I have friends in the first camp. The idea of adding to their brood is met with bewilderment and not a little dash of horror. 

I am not in that camp. I am in the latter: The ‘gimme all the babies’ camp. I am that person who will coo over a stranger’s baby in a cafe or hijack my friends' and families’ little ones to sniff (because the new baby smell is life).

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But I am not having any more babies, despite feeling as if I could happily add another hundred (or maybe, two), to my three existing offspring. And it’s a weird place to be knowing in your head that you’re done but finding that your heart doesn’t always want to stick to the plan.

#allthebabies

I was never the little girl who imagined her future wedding or how many kids she’d have. 

I knew that I liked the idea of a partner and ‘some kids’ but it was a blurry ‘wait and see’ kind of idea. So, it took me by surprise how much I loved (and love) motherhood. 

I had a tough start with my first child, thanks to the evil stepsisters that are PND and PPOCD (Postnatal Depression and Post Partum OCD). They were not a good time. 

But when the fog cleared, I soon realised that I was into this motherhood thing. And that continued after the arrival of my next little one. By the time my third arrived, I was feeling pretty smug about #mumlife. 

I’d been told by many people after the birth of each of my kids that “the days are long, but the years are short. You’ll blink, and they’ll be 10.” At the time I didn’t get it. Because the early days, despite having so much goodness, were tough. 

The exhaustion and mental load were next level, and a time when I wouldn't be needed so acutely seemed a long, long way away. But it seems all those people were right. With each new baby, time seemed to speed up and now we’re here with an 11-year-old, 9-year-old and 5-year-old, and my belly is closed for business.

Head versus heart.

During my pregnancy with our third child, my husband and I mutually decided that she would be the full stop. Three made sense for our family. 

And in the early days after her arrival, I felt 100 per cent sure that we were absolutely correct in that decision. I was well and truly outnumbered by my offspring. 

Hormones are sneaky little devils though and as soon as life settled (and I began getting more sleep), the whispers of; ‘one more?’ started up. This time, though, I knew I wouldn’t be answering the call. And it was tough. I knew our decision was the right one, but it didn’t stop me from, I guess you’d say, grieving the end of that stage of life. Of two lines on a stick and a growing belly. Teeny newborn fingers and breastfeeding round the clock. 

The thought of those things being part of my past and no longer something that could happen again in the future was really hard to comprehend. Because they’d been my focus for such a long time. My third child’s firsts were especially poignant because we knew they were also lasts. 

I tried to hold on to as many of them as I could and to really value the time I had with my youngest at home because I knew, as much as it’s a cliché, I’d blink, and we’d be done with babies at home. And sure enough, she started school this year. 

I officially have an empty house between 9am to 3pm and am now the mum in activewear with only the dog for company in amongst the prams, toddlers and mums juggling babies at our local cafe. It’s still quite weird. 

I still feel like that mum a lot of the time but I am very firmly in the other camp now; camp quiet house/minimal term time park visits/kids who can use the toilet for themselves (I mean there are some perks).

I still get asked by friends if I feel ‘done’ now. It’s been five years. Has the hormone tap finally switched off? Honestly? No. I don’t. 

But I have made peace with that fact. I don’t know if I ever would have felt done and so continuing to have babies until I felt the shift isn’t really the most viable option! 

So, I’ll continue getting my baby fix from friends and family (and the occasional stranger) and cuddling my no-longer-babies but still-somewhat-little kids, because I now know that the days are long but the years are short and I’ll blink and they’ll be properly all grown up.

Naomi Cotterill is a mum of three, a teacher and a freelance content creator.

Feature Image: Supplied.