The two types of parenting: relay vs three-legged race.

The thing about parenting is that sometimes you don’t realise you hold a strong view on a particular topic until someone expresses an opinion you deem stupid. Suddenly, it becomes critically important to argue this person into total submission. You will not rest until they admit they are fools for ever thinking differently to you and express their deep gratitude for setting them straight. This never happens but by god, you will die trying.

And this is how you find yourself unexpectedly one day in a loud shouting match with your friend in a podcast studio while your other friend looks terrified.

The two friends in question are my co-hosts on Mamamia Outloud, Holly Wainwright who has two children and Jessie Stephens who is pregnant for the first time.

It began like this.

I walked into the studio to record the show a few days ago, just as Holly was giving Jessie some parenting advice about sleep and newborns. Jessie had mentioned that some of her friends had slept in a separate room with the baby at first so they didn’t wake their partner through the night when they were getting up to breastfeed.

Holly thought this was bollocks and said so.

“That’s bollocks,” she exclaimed. “Who cares about him being woken up!? Do not ever remove yourself with the baby and make it your problem alone.”

Game on.

“Oh that’s ridiculous,” I huffed while waving my arms about. “What’s the point of both of you being awake through the night?”

“It’s called equal parenting,” Holly huffed back as Jessie’s eyes widened in fear. Not so much fear of us shouting at each other because that happens frequently, and it’s always with a rock-solid understanding that we love and respect each other deeply. More a fear about the lack of consensus on anything among any of her friends who were already mothers. What was this s**t-show she was waddling into? Welcome.

“But if only one of you is breastfeeding, what’s the point of both of you waking up through the night?” I argued. “Surely it’s better for one of you to get some unbroken sleep and then that person gets up early to take the baby so the other one can sleep! What’s the point of you both being chronically sleep-deprived?”

This whole getting up together is a rookie error many couples make in the first few nights after coming home from hospital if the mother is breastfeeding. The intention is lovely, of course. For the non-breastfeeding parent to be supportive while the other one feeds. But honestly, it’s pointless.

Not just pointless, but counterproductive. Because it guarantees both of you will be shattered in the morning.

Watch another argument unfold on Mamamia Out Loud with this throwback discussion about extended maternity leave. Post continues after video.

Holly disagrees and she disagrees hard.

“Bollocks,” she snorts, again. “This is how it starts, the inequality. This is how women become the ones who do everything and it never ends. Why shouldn’t he have his sleep disrupted?! He’s a parent too!”

“Oh come on,” I snort back. So much snorting. “Why on earth would you make two people do the job of one person? If only one person is breastfeeding, who does that help? When I was on maternity leave, I wanted my partner to be well rested so I could get a few hours of unbroken sleep in the morning before he went to work.”

I thought I was making great points but Holly wasn’t having it. “Why does he need to be fresh? Why is his paid job more important than her staying at home with a baby? That’s also hard and tiring!”

“Yes! I know," I rebutted. "And that’s why you want to take it in turns! Holly! Think about it! Do you want to run in a relay or a three-legged race? How will you get there faster?”

And this, to me, was an excellent point (made by me).

In those early, crazy, sleep-addled, magical days and weeks and months, I’m a big believer in the relay. Taking it in turns. One runner sprints and then passes the baby to the other one who sprints while the first runner gets to rest. Divide and conquer. Someone is always fresh. Well, not fresh, perhaps, but slightly less exhausted.

Holly is a three-legged race woman, herself. And look, in her defence, I must admit that she and her partner Brent have the most equitable division of parenting of any couple I know. When her children were born, Holly took six months parental leave and then Brent took six months. There have been long periods when she was the primary breadwinner and when the other mothers at the school gate knew Brent far better than her.

Hol is very no-nonsense about this and I’ve always admired her refusal to apologise for the expectation that the mental load of parenting will be split evenly. She walks her talk. 

To be honest though, I have the same expectation. My husband carries an equal amount of mental load when it comes to our kids. Mostly because if it were left entirely up to me, our life would resemble an episode of Survivor. In my house, it takes a village to remember to get new school shoes and make a dentist appointment.

But back to the sleep issue. 

It’s not that I ever thought my husband’s sleep should take priority over mine. In fact, probably the opposite. But since I was the one with milk inside my body, it just made no sense to me that his sleep would be interrupted. Was I sometimes bitter and resentful in the morning? Oh yes. But at least he was perky enough to make me a cup of tea and take the baby for a few hours instead of both of us staggering about like zombies. Who would that have helped? Certainly not our baby. Certainly not me.

So. I may not have been able to convince Holly (and Jessie still just looks shell-shocked, to be honest) but I put it to you, the jury: in those early weeks and months of night-waking and with parenting in general, do you think it should be a relay or a three-legged race?

The prosecution rests. At least until the baby’s next feed. 

And to listen to our argument in all its glory, you can hear that subscriber-exclusive episode of Mamamia Outloud, here.

Feature Image: Supplied + Mamamia. 

Do you have kids under 9? Take this short survey now to go in the running to win a $50 gift voucher!