Nicola Peltz, Victoria Beckham, and the ongoing saga of the wedding dress that didn't happen.

There are currently very real wars unfolding across the globe. But when the future of humanity gets overwhelming and scary and feels out of our control, we focus on the important stuff: a war between an obscenely wealthy former pop star and her even wealthier new daughter-in-law.

At first, I simply could not bring myself to care about the feud between Victoria Beckham and Nicola Peltz-Beckham, the wife of Victoria's eldest son, Brooklyn. Then I started realising I knew things. Things I had never asked to know. 

Why did I know that Nicola Peltz-Beckham is the daughter of billionaire Nelson Peltz, an investor and businessman who is the chairman of US fast-food giant, Wendy's? Why did I know that in 2014, Nicola starred in Transformers: Age of Extinction, a film I remember solely for its stunning mediocrity? Why did I know that Brooklyn describes himself as a chef, but when he got the opportunity to do a cooking segment on morning TV, he made a very average-looking bacon and egg sandwich without TOASTING or BUTTERING the bread? 

HOW DO I KNOW ANY OF THIS?

Suddenly another tidbit entered my periphery: there was drama about a wedding dress. Now. That is my kind of drama. And I had to get to the bottom of it.

So here is an entirely speculative, Instagram-informed recap of the alleged feud between Victoria Beckham and Nicola Peltz-Beckham. The stakes are low. The gossip is high. The truth is unimportant.

Ahem. 

It's 2020, and in news that shocks the world, Brooklyn Beckham is engaged. This is confusing because if my calculations are correct, the man is seven years old. 

Brooklyn pls you're still at school how can you possibly plan a wedding. Image: Getty.

Apparently, Brooklyn is suddenly in his early 20s, and legally has the right to marry, so everyone's excited.

But there is chaos afoot. Because weddings make people go – and I believe this is the medical term for it – bats**t crazy. 

Nicola Peltz wears a Victoria Beckham dress in one of her engagement photos, and she's meant to be wearing a wedding dress designed by her mother-in-law. 

That's when the rumours start.

According to Nicola, Victoria's atelier couldn't make the dress in time. So devastatingly, the 27-year-old has to wear a disgusting Valentino Haute Couture gown instead. Personally, I cannot even imagine the distress.

Thoughts and prayers xxx Image: Instagram @nicolaannepeltzbeckham.

In the months leading up to the wedding, Victoria and Nicola's interactions on Instagram slow down. There's no more gushing. No more photos of the two of them. They're not even liking each other's posts and it's like ladies pls do you not understand how much time people will dedicate to this mystery??  

Over three days in Palm Beach in April, Brooklyn and Nicola are married in front of 500 people in an event estimated to have cost around $5 million. Lovely.

Narrator: Things were not lovely.

When Nicola shares photos from her wedding day, she doesn't share a single one of Victoria or David Beckham. She even uploads a nine-picture carousel to Instagram with the caption "family is everything to me," without her new in-laws in it. 

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A post shared by 𝓃𝒾𝒸𝑜𝓁𝒶 (@nicolaannepeltzbeckham)

Victoria shares photos of the wedding, too. She posts a photo of Nicola and Brooklyn with the caption, "Congratulations Mr and Mrs Beckham... welcome to the family," except there's just one small problem. That's not the last name either of them have chosen. They're going by Peltz-Beckham and Victoria I have a feeling you know this. 

She then posts a carousel of all the wedding guests who wore her dresses, with the caption "so proud to have dressed some of my favourite ladies and best friends for the occasion". Unfortunately, that doesn't include the woman who just married her son. 

In August, Nicola appears on the cover of Tatler with the headline, 'The New Mrs Beckham'. 

Oh honey no. 

There is already a Mrs Beckham and she seems kinda mad at you. 

But back to the dress.

In early September, sources tell the Daily Mail that Nicola never intended to wear a dress designed by Victoria Beckham at her wedding. 

I repeat: She never. Intended. To wear. The Victoria Beckham. Dress.

And that's not all. 

A story comes out about the wedding day, claiming that David and Victoria's very close friend Marc Anthony (who was paid by the Peltzes to sing for the bride and groom) gave a speech gushing about Victoria. 

"It was totally just an ode to Victoria and how awesome she is. Nicola loves to be the centre of attention, especially on her wedding day. So this really, really p***ed her off," the source – who, for the record, may or may not be entirely made up – says.

"She stormed off in the middle of her wedding reception with [sister] Brittany and her mom, and was crying her eyes out."

Then another source claims Victoria Beckham STOLE Nicola and Brooklyn's first dance song – the one Marc Anthony was dedicating to them. 

"Nicola left the room because she and Brooklyn thought Marc was introducing them for a special dance to a love song the couple had chosen," the source says. 

"But without any warning and at the request of Victoria, Marc switched it to a mother-son dance using the same song.

"Most of the guests could tell something off had happened. It was uncomfortable for the couple who were thinking it was to be a special moment for them."

No. 

Why has this not yet been made into a feature film. 

A mother-in-law stealing the first dance is simply iconic.

Victoria you're being a... troll. Image: Instagram @victoriabeckham.

This story also alleges (I love using legal language in a story about a potential fake feud) that the Beckhams are refusing to pay for Brooklyn's US green card, and that they didn't invite Brooklyn and Nicola to Victoria's show at Paris Fashion Week. 

Nicola then goes on what I would call a publicity rampage, understanding that the only thing anyone cares about right now is what the f**k happened with the wedding dress.

"Well, I was planning on wearing Victoria’s wedding dress, and I was truly so excited to be able to wear a design that my future mother-in-law created," she tells GRAZIA USA. "I thought that was so beautiful and such a beautiful story."

Okay so then what happened. 

She says she was excited to be collaborating with her stylist and one of her best friends, Leslie Fremar, as well as her mum on designing the dress. "Then a few days went by and I didn’t hear anything," she says. 

OKAY. GO ON.

"Victoria called my mom and said her atelier couldn’t make it. So, I spoke to my mom and Leslie, and I was like, ‘Well, unfortunately, this can’t happen, so what’s the next step?’ I’ve been a fan of Valentino and their couture for so long. I was really lucky to be able to travel to [the atelier] to try on the dress. That’s really what happened.

“When I read things that say [things like] I was never planning on wearing a [Victoria Beckham] dress or things like that, it does hurt my feelings," she says. "I try not to let it, but it’s just not the truth."

But that's not as fun, Nicola. And it also doesn't answer the crucial question of why you're not liking Victoria's photos on Instagram. 

Most recently, speaking to The Sunday Times, Nicola says, "It's not a feud! I keep seeing everywhere that word, 'feud, feud, feud'."

I don't want to be rude but the more you say it's not a feud the more I believe it's a feud. And that feels like a major flaw of the human condition? 

"I don't know why they say feud," she says. "I mean, maybe they picked up on something? And now they're labelling it 'feud'?"

Yeah, we picked up on the fact your Instagram behaviour has changed and also all the made up stories in the press about a fight. 

Then she adds, "No family is perfect!"

OKAY WE HAVE A FEUD ON OUR HANDS.

IF THAT ISN'T CODE FOR "I DON'T LIKE THE BECKHAMS AS A FAMILY UNIT" THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

If I wanted to go full conspiracy theory (which I obviously do), I'd also point out that Brooklyn and Nicola dressed as Romeo and Juliet for Halloween. Star-crossed lovers. Two households. Ancient grudge.

Touche. Image: Instagram @nicolaannepeltzbeckham. 

Is there a war unfolding between an obscenely wealthy former pop star and her even wealthier new daughter-in-law? I think so, yes. And while the entire narrative is deeply sexist, and it makes precisely no sense that Brooklyn has somehow escaped all responsibility, I can't look away.

Because sometimes a rumoured feud between two rich, famous, beautiful women is all my brain can handle. And for that I apologise profusely. 

For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram and TikTok. 

Image: Instagram.