Just 18 months ago, I had never squirted before. I thought it was an urban myth actually.
But I had a very squirty breakthrough at the ripe old age of 37 and I’ve never looked back.
I’d had a few drunken anal episodes in my 20s and I was truly scarred by it.
Doodles poking around without knowing what they were doing. Penises painfully trying to go where no man has gone before. Accidental poos.
Anal sex was stuff of men’s porno fantasies and women’s nightmares, or so I thought.
Real talk: How do you have a one night stand? Rachel Corbett, Mia Freedman and Jessie Stephens discuss on Mamamia Out Loud.
My average to bad experiences turned me off for a good decade plus. I didn’t get it. It seemed like something that just happened in porn that women pretended to like.
But after a recent separation I got a bit anal curious. I’ve always struggled to reach orgasm and had just discovered a full proof way (my gorgeous, shiny new vibrator). What else was out there and deserved a shot?
Anal sex, I thought, obvs.
But I was kind of intimidated and anxious about it. A new casual squeeze was into it and we chatted about it and came up with a plan.
This time I would do it right. Sober. With someone who knew what they were doing and was open to talking about it. With my arse prepped. Prepped you say? Yeah. With a hose.
Let me explain: I bought a kit from eBay that looks like a hot water bottle with a little hose and a hard plastic sort of sprinkler attached.
You fill it with warm water, gently stick it up your bum and give yourself an internal bum bath.
It actually feels pretty good.
It’s not essential for good anal, it just gave me peace of mind to not worry I was going get a code brown.
But as several excellent men I have spoken to regarding anal have, “If you’re going to stick it up there, you need to be prepared for what could come out.”
I’m so good at the anal douche these days I can do it with a pump water bottle in the servo toilets. You may never look at a pump water bottle the same way again.
The thing about anal is you really need to discuss and plan before you take the plunge.
You need a person who is going to start off slow, check in regularly to make sure you’re enjoying it, and go at your pace. There is potentially a fair bit of power imbalance with anal, so you really need to trust and know that your partner will listen to you.
So, the first time I tried anal in the new and improved sober version 2.0 with all of the pre communication and butt hole cleaning, I was kind of nervous.
What was I nervous of? That it would hurt, that I wouldn’t like it, but mostly, of course, that I would poo.
But after a slow start, lots of lube and a condom, and good communication, I squirted my face off. I honestly didn’t know the human body was capable of producing that much liquid. I could not believe it. I was just so proud.
(The pozzy that always makes me squirt during anal is on my back with my legs in the air, so everything kind of pushes on the vaginal wall – or the magic squirt button – FYI that’s the scientific term.)
I asked a lovely man I’ve had some excellent anal with (total spunk with a heart of gold – thank you, Tinder) for his perspective on all things to do with introducing anal into your life and he was quite helpful…
How do you get anal curious women to feel comfortable?
I find that letting them try anal play on me makes it fair game, and shows them that it can be enjoyable if done correctly… Hopefully their friends have done it before and have good experiences to share and help plant the seed when the topic comes up at brunch (Do you women talk about anal at brunch?).
How do you start anal sex?
Build up to it with rimming, finger/s, butt plugs, dildos/vibrators of different sizes. Depends on the size of the guy and the tolerance of the girl too, I suppose. Lots of lube and patience, she might close that door forever if you get twitchy. (That’s the bum door, people.)
What if she poos?
She will already be embarrassed, so I try and make it no biggie. It happens. I help her clean up and play it off, have a laugh, come back to it when she’s comfortable and happy.
What do you like about anal sex?
I guess the taboo of it despite more people being into it these days. It feels great, I love to please a girl in any and as many ways as I can. So rewarding!
What do women seem to like about anal sex?
I guess to begin with it’s something new and different, and most women I‘ve met are at a point where they’re enjoying exploring their sexuality so they’re mostly pretty open to it.
How many women are into it that you’ve been with?
Of all the girls that I’ve been with, only one has flat out barred me, but she had a bad experience with a guy who just rammed it in dry, so I don’t blame her!
What’s the best position for your first time?
I think spooning is the most relaxed position for a girl’s first time, and as for most pleasure I think ‘shoulder holder’ and ‘doggie’, but every woman is different.
Excellent anal intel, thank you, kind Tinder sir.
So, anal. If you’ve ever wanted to have a go but been too afraid get amongst it, take the leap.
Find the right guy, find the right time, figure out the communication and have a crack.