A man named Trevor has decided to tell us about his three dating rules, and we would like to politely decline your offer… Sir.

Trevor Bauer is a Cleveland Indians pitcher, and shared his relationship guidelines in a feature published in Sports Illustrated on Wednesday.

Ahem.

Number one: “No feelings. As soon as I sense you’re developing feelings, I’m going to cut it off, because I’m not interested in a relationship and I’m emotionally unavailable.”

Oh. Trevor is above all feelings and unless his woman can commit to not falling madly in love with him (which Trevor acknowledges is very difficult) then their relationship is FIN.

Number two: “No social media posts about me while we’re together, because private life stays private.”

We like Trevor’s assumption A LOT that the woman he is with can’t wait to post about him on social media, and also that he expects her to believe it’s because his “private life stays private”.

It might also be a little bit so his other ladies don’t see and start expressing their feelings about it which clearly breaks rule number one.

Number three: “I sleep with other people. I’m going to continue to sleep with other people. If you’re not OK with that, we won’t sleep together, and that’s perfectly fine. We can just be perfectly polite platonic friends.”

Ugh.

Thank God Trev told us it’s “perfectly fine” if we don’t sleep together because we were beginning to feel panicked.

And, look. We don’t mean to be rude to poor Trev, but you sound like the worst friend because you don’t want an emotional attachment to anyone. 

But Trev’s not all bad.

At least he is being upfront with what he wants. He’s protecting vulnerable women from falling in love with him, and then being left disappointed but mostly traumatised when he reveals that ultimately they mean nothing to him. Whatsoever.

And Trevor doesn’t want that for his women. Because traumatised women are a lot. 

He has stated his criteria clearly.

To Trevor, women are to be exclusively transactional objects. For sex. Semen receptacles, if you will.

Their job is to be sort of like a bin. Where you just throw stuff in it every now and then, but they never ask anything in return because they are only a stupid bin.

A bin doesn’t stomp it’s feet when you use another bin.

A bin won’t post pictures with you on the internet because they don’t have thumbs, obviously. They won’t ask why you keep liking photos of naked Instagram models, because bins also don’t have eyes. 

A bin never gets clingy, or expects you to listen about their (boring) day.

It’s a one-way relationship, and Trevor likes that very much.

So, perhaps rather than enjoying sexual relationships with flesh and blood women, who sometimes have desires or insecurities or needs, Trev should invest in a good, solid bin.

You can buy them from The Reject Shop for like $2 and dress them up however you want. That would be nice for Trevor.

What Trevor wants, it would seem, is to be from the outset in a position of power. He makes the rules. He gives the women he encounters nothing, and then expects her to feel grateful for it.

There are women all over the world, investing time and energy into Trevors. I know I’ve fallen for plenty of them.

So rather than accepting their rules, given there’s precisely nothing in there for you, buy them a bin.

It’ll do the job just as well.