"I decided to ignore 'dating rules' and and it's been the best thing I've ever done."

by Mamamia Team September 16, 2015

Image via iStock.

When I was three, I cried when Esmeralda didn’t choose Quasimodo. Even then, I wanted to believe the Quasimodos of the world are capable of finding love.

I guess that makes me a hopeless romantic, but I only mention it because this genetic predisposition to love always makes it hard for me to handle breakups. They always make me feel like a ton of bricks are coming down on my chest, while my throat closes in on my esophagus — painful.

I remember a few years back when I was still in college: My friends with benefits relationship fizzled out, in addition to some old flames back home. The details of my frustration are hard to remember, but I can recall crying on the phone to my mother with 713 miles separating us.

"She insisted I would overcome this, with the silent implication that there would be more heartbreak to come." Image via iStock.

"Why does love always hurt ? I'm only 19! Why does this always happen to me?" I sobbed while choking down a mixture of snot and tears.

Like many mothers in her shoes, she was at a loss for words. In that moment, she could feed me so much of the cliché bullsh*t everyone likes to believe about love or she could let her silence fill the void in the room, also answering my question.

Not wanting to corrode my underdeveloped portrayal of love, she chose not to answer the question directly.

She insisted I would overcome this, with the silent implication that there would be more heartbreak to come.

After that day, I made a vow that my next relationship would be just that — a relationship. No more friends with benefits business. Somehow, I knew the issue was bigger than me finding a guy willing to commit. I was part of the problem, too. (Post continues after the gallery.)

Celebrities talking about their break ups.

Jennifer Aniston.It was possibly one of the most talked about Hollywood break ups - Jen and Brad. In an interview with Vanity Fair Jen shared her experience, "There are many stages of grief. It's sad, something coming to an end. It cracks you open, in a waycracks you open to feeling. When you try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain. I'm a human being, having a human experience in front of the world. I wish it weren't in front of the world. I try really hard to rise above it." Image via WikiCommons.

Rita Ora.Rita discussed her break up with Calvin Harris in Marie Claire, "It was more of a thing where I was in awe. I was at that point in my relationship where I felt he could do no wrong. I thought he had my back and that he'd never steer me wrong. But then 'I Will Never Let You Down' came out, and everything started to go a bit weird. I don't know if it was because business was mixed with personal or what." Image via Instagram (@ritaora).

Demi Moore.Demi Moore discussed her breakup with Ashton Kutcher with Harpers Bazar - "I used to think that what scared me was the idea of being abandoned until someone said to me, 'Only children can be abandoned. Adults can't be abandoned because we have a choice. Children don't have a choice.' So I started to rethink. 'OK, it's not that. What's the underlying thread that really scares me?' I think what scares me is not having the courage to reach my full potential." Image via Twitter (@justdemi).

Kim Kardashian.On her website, KimKardashian.com Kim shared her breakup with Kris Humphries, "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to and didn't want to disappoint a lot of people." Image via Instagram.

J-Lo."It felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest." - Jennifer Lopez on Ben Affleck, in her memoir True Love. Image via Instagram.

Reese Witherspoon"[Divorce is] very humiliating and very isolating... But, by the way, if it's not painful, maybe it wasn't the right decision to marry to begin with." - Elle Magazine. Image via WikiCommons.

Cameron Diaz."When I was going through a bit of a heartbreak a little while ago, I said to a friend, 'Wow, this really hurts!' And he said to me, 'That just shows you what your capacity for loving is.' I would rather have my heart broken a thousand times than never to love at all. I have so much love to give I'm not empty of love, I'm full of love." - Cameron discussing her break up with Alex Rodriguez in InStyle. Image via Instagram.

Katy Perry.During an interview on The Project Katy discussed her break up with Russell Brand - "Sometimes you can be blinded by your extreme emotions. I definitely was looking for answers during that time I wrote that song ["The Grace of God"]. And yeah, I was depressed, and it was sad, and there were thoughts, but there were never actions, thankfully." Image via Instagram.

Taylor Swift."There's just been this earth-shattering, not recent, but absolute crash-and-burn heartbreak, and that will turn out to be what the next album is about. The only way that I can feel better about myself pull myself out of that awful pain of losing someone is writing songs about it to get some sort of clarity." - Taylor Swift, Vogue. Image via Instagram.

Emma Stone."I was crawling on the floor. I remember throwing up. I remember being on the floor... I have never felt anything quite like that. It was so visceral. It's like someone has killed you and you have to live through it and watch it happen. It was awful." - Emma Stone on her first heartbreak, Interview. Image via WikiCommons.

It was time to take a deeper look at my own actions and the part that I played in the demise of previous relationships.

My problem? I lacked self-respect. Was I too uninhibited? No, although I was (and still am) a young woman who loves sex.

But that didn't matter. I could make men wait three dates or a year for sex, but because of my self-respect issues, they'd think less of me long before it was time to head to the bedroom.

I never demanded more for myself until after sex. How would any man ever come to value all that I had to offer as a young woman if I had the self-esteem of a broken, meek girl?

"Basically, I had already compromised my self-worth for the cheap price of a good sexing." Image via iStock.

I set out on a journey of discovery after learning what the root of the issue was. I didn't exile the thought of men (or sex), but I stopped being a slave to both. I didn't let my desire for someone to warm my bed cloud my judgment.

I took the next few years to learn how to be alone, so when a man came along who was ready for greatness, I wouldn't jump out in desperation, but in self-worth. There would no longer be a need to have silly rules — like making him wait for sex — because the man I envisioned had already gained my respect (and vice-versa) before we ever went that far.

This road led me to my most recent relationship, one that I truly want to be my last... but if it's not, there's still so much good that has come from it. It was the first relationship where I was able to test out all the work that I put in. (Post continues after gallery.)