"They give unsolicited advice." 5 red flags I watch out for in new mum friends.

Listen to this story being read by Laura Jackel, here.

Making friends as a mum can be easy and hard at the same time. 

It’s easy to strike up a conversation about the busyness of motherhood and share our frustrations about the ridiculous number of school emails.

However, only doing small talk doesn’t lead to a real connection. Not all mums can be friends just because they’re raising children.

Watch: The horoscopes as new mums. Post continues below.

Here are five red flags I watch out for when making mum friends.

1. They only like to gossip.

I’ll confess that I enjoy a bit of gossip here and there. When I skim my social media feed, celebrity buzz does catch my eye. It’s an itch I like to scratch sometimes. I’m human and I like knowing what’s going on in other people’s lives.

So when I chat with a fellow mum, I don’t mind hearing a story or two about someone we both know, especially if it is good news. 

But I’ve met some mums who absolutely love talking badly about other parents. They’ll share rumours, exaggerate the truth, make assumptions, feed on drama, and create speculation from nothing.

Gossip is their middle name and all they want from me is more gossip. If they’re talking crap about other parents, I’m certain they're talking crap about me too. No, thanks!

2. They pressure me to drink.

I don’t drink because I don’t like it. For some reason, this rubs some mums the wrong way. They either assume I’m righteous or that I have a drinking problem.

They’ll say things like, "You just haven’t tried the right drink," or "A glass of wine won’t hurt you. Don’t be so uptight. It can help you wind down."

My decision to not drink isn’t about them and a good mum friend would respect that.

3. They make toxic comparisons.

Whether it’s how tall they are, the colour of their skin, how many letters of the alphabet they know, when they got potty trained or which swimming level they’re in, kids are unique little beings. They grow, learn and develop at their own pace.

Comparing comes in many forms. A toxic version of it is when they deliberately compare their kid to yours in a degrading manner.

For instance, maybe they see your kid knows how to speak two languages but their kid doesn’t. They criticise their kid in front of them and shame them for being lazy or stupid. Then they’ll use the whole, "Well, look at so and so's kid, they can speak two languages. Why can’t you?"

On the contrary, I can’t stand overly competitive parents, especially those who constantly brag about their child’s achievements and live their dreams through them. They deliberately want to showcase how amazing their kids are so that others feel bad. Sheesh!

4. They give unsolicited advice.

Everyone judges. I get it. We all have certain beliefs and values that we hold close to our hearts. We’re conditioned to think that certain lifestyles are better than others. That’s why when we see someone doing something different from us, we judge.

But there’s judging and then there's vocalising those judgements. If I hear a snide remark about how my kids dress, criticism about their screen time, or negative comments about how clean my home is, I’m walking away.

Unsolicited advice is masked judgment. I don’t need the contact information for your cleaner if I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want you to give me tips on how to distract my kids at dinner so I don’t have to whip out my phone. I don’t need suggestions on where to buy more stylish kids' clothing. If I didn’t ask, I don’t want or need it.

5. They don't let me keep my motherhood real.

I can’t stand toxic positivity. When I complain about the little sleep I got, I don’t need to be reminded about how motherhood is a gift of rainbows and fairy floss, and that I should be grateful for my children. Sometimes I like to complain about how hard it is, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love my children.

On the flip side, forcing me to complain about horrible my kids are is also a red flag. If I have nothing to complain about, then I’m not going to add unnecessary negativity to my life and join your pity party.

Ultimately, there’s already so much social pressure to be the perfect mum. True mum friends allow you to feel completely safe sharing your sorrows and celebrating your wins authentically. They’ll keep their judgements inside and support you unconditionally through all the meltdowns, overwhelming tiredness, and inspiring and meaningful moments motherhood brings.

Katharine Chan, MSc, BSc, PMP is an author, wife and mum of two. She writes stories to empower individuals to talk about their feelings despite growing up in a culture that hid them. You can find more from Katharine on her website or podcast or you can follow her on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or  YouTube.

Feature Image: Getty.

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