by NATH VALVO
I have a really good body… for a 13-year-old girl.
I am not a 13-year-old girl. I am a 28-year-old man.
My body does not resemble that of a man, so I decided a few months ago it was time to get massive.
It was time to create some beautiful muscles.
But here’s the thing. I hate going to the gym. I really hate it.
I can’t believe there is people on this planet that excitedly announce that they “just love going to the gym!”
The gym smells weird and is full of people with muscles in areas of their bodies I didn’t know existed.
I am convinced the staff at my gym KILL people that don’t have muscles … there is no other explanation.
EVERYONE is the “after shot” or “the final reveal” montage on a biggest loser season finale episode. At my Gym no one is the before shot. WHERE ARE THE BEFORE SHOTS AT THE GYM?
Going to the gym is a massive daily struggle for me. I go through a range of emotions before I walk through the gym door (or HELL’S GATE as I like to call it).
If you are like me and love a good excuse to skip the gym I have compiled a list of my favourites.
20 REASONABLE EXCUSES TO SKIP THE GYM TODAY
1. I’ll go tomorrow
2. I went yesterday
3. A friend once told me that they overheard someone say they know someone that read somewhere that working out too much can kill you.
4. I might miss an important phone call
5. I’ll go tomorrow
6. It’s probably closed (it isn’t)
7. I might get asthma if I work out too much (you won’t)
8. It might rain and the road might flood and I’ll get trapped in my car and die
9. I’ll go tomorrow
10. I haven’t had breakfast
11. My runners are dirty
12. I’ll meditate instead (i.e. have a nap)
13. I’ll go tomorrow
14. I’ve been thinking about working out all morning, the brain is a body part therefore I have worked out already
15. I sneezed yesterday. I might be getting a cold, best I stay in
16. The roof of the gym might suddenly collapse and kill everyone who is working out at that time, including me, best I stay in
18. My house might get broken into, best I stay in
19. The Carbon Tax
20. I’ll go tomorrow
I hope this reasonable list helps you as much as it helps me.
If you don’t want to go to the gym today, relax, just don’t go!
There’s always tomorrow.
Nath Valvo is a comedian based in Melbourne. He can be heard on the Nova FM network and will one day host his own talk show. You can follow him on twitter here.
What excuses have you used to avoid the gym?