While sex is great, all of it isn’t great. Some of sex is great. SOME. Like the making out. And the cuddling. And the romantic sexy stuff that makes you feel like a goddess flying on a pink fluffy cloud.
The rest? Well… the rest is crazy awkward. And kinda a little bit gross. And, um, so totally not at all like what you saw in The Notebook or that sneaky lil’ porno you both watched together last weekend.
Let’s tribute all those secret yuck moments, shall we? They haven’t been aired for TOO BLOODY LONG.
But it’s time to let them free, reader friends. It’s time to let them free.
I asked around the Mamamia office, and these are the things our team *anonymously* came up with.
- “Sleeping in the smelly wet patch afterwards… SO DISGUSTING. Like, I don’t want to sleep in my own bodily fluid – or his. It’s basically wetting the bed.”
- “That smelly condom smell on your hands afterwards. Actually – scratch that – everything about condoms. Using a condom is kinda like having a bath but keeping all your clothes on.”
- “I despise dirty talk. JUST SHUT UP. Being ‘naughty’ is stealing $20 from your mum’s wallet when you’re 15, not two consensual adults having consensual vanilla sex.”
- “I hate it when she puts a finger up my bum.”
- “I hate being asked, ‘do you want to give me head?’ Mate, if I wanted to, I would’ve done it already.”
- “I hate that I started faking it two years ago, and now I have to keep up the pretence that I cum in 30 seconds, when in reality it takes about 12 minutes and a full glass of wine.”
- “I hate queefing. Enough said.”
- “I hate when he looks at me afterwards and whispers, ‘hey’. WHY DO THEY DO THAT?! PLEASE STOP WHISPERING HEY, LIKE WHAT DO YOU EVEN MEAN.”
- “I hate that I have to shave my legs every time I know I’m going to get some.”
- “I hate the changing positions phase. It’s so freakin’ awkward. Limbs flailing absolutely everywhere. Then I end up cramping in my leg/foot and have to call the whole thing off.”
- “I hate the fact that I’m a squirter. I hate being soaked and making everything around me soaked too.”
- “I hate the ‘oh shit, did I take my contraceptive pill’ moment I have when he’s about to cum.”
- “I hate being paranoid for the rest of the month while I wait for my period to come.”
- “The leakage I have afterwards. It’s like I have a litre of cum trickling out of me in random spurts.”
Did we miss any? What do you hate about sex?
The award-winning podcast Mamamia Out Loud is doing their first live show. There will be laughs, disagreements and you can meet the hosts afterwards! We’re also donating $5 of every ticket price to Share The Dignity so grab your friends and come along to share the love and laughs, get your tickets here.