I live alone.
When I walk in the door at night, I don’t have to ask anyone how their day was. I just whip off my bra, say hello to my dog, and do whatever the heck I want.
I love living alone. I’ve lived on my own several times in my life and nothing beats it.
Sure, I live in a mould infested crappy lil’ apartment that still smells like the previous tenant – but that mould infested crappy lil’ apartment is all mine.
I think everyone should live alone at least once in their lives.
Living alone teaches you how to be self-sufficient, you learn how to watch horror movies on your own without screaming like a five-year-old, and you figure out just how lax you’re prepared to be with your own personal hygiene.
Sometimes people who live alone take tests on the internet. Like this one, which tells you whether or not you’re a narcissist. Post continues.
It also gives you the opportunity to do some really bizarre sh*t.
Here are seven weird and wonderful things everyone who lives on their own does:
1. Talk to ourselves
I mean, this one is a given.
It’s only natural that when you live alone your inner monologue becomes an outer monologue.
I also have a dog so I think it’s very important to update him on everything I’m thinking, feeling and doing.
He… he… doesn’t agree.
2. Laugh at own own jokes
I do this all the damn time.
All of my best jokes come to me when I’m in the middle of a three day hibernation in my apartment.
So I have no choice but to say them out loud, laugh, slap my own thigh, and look at my dog for reassurance that, yes, that is the best Married At First Sight-related gag he has heard all week.
3.Worry that we might die alone and no one will find us for days
Everyone who lives alone has this fear.
I mean, it is extremely likely that you will die in your sleep and no one will find you for days. Or you’ll be half-eaten by Alsatians (or in my case, one small Jack Russell Terrier).
It’s quite possible that you’ll slip on the milk you dropped on the kitchen floor last week, and you’ll have to lie on the ground for days calling out for help, but Doris from next door won’t help you because you stole her mail that one time.
And you’ll definitely fall over in the shower after one too many “sneaky shower bevvies” and have to lie there, spread-eagled, wishing you had had that bikini wax five years ago, while you wait for the emergency services to arrive.
And look, it’s highly likely that you’ll choke on your dinner for one – while laughing at something funny you said earlier that day at work – and no one will be there to clumsily administer the Heimlich maneuver.
4. Become convinced our house is haunted and pretend we’re a paranormal investigator
After one too many true crime podcasts, you will become convinced that someone or something is… in… your… house.
But do not worry, you’ve watched enough b-grade horror movies to know that all you have to do is fully investigate the sordid history of the house, find out that it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, burn some sage, and help the spirits resolve their issues so they can pass over to the other side.
Simple.
5. Make up some weird food combinations
I once made curry tacos and they were great.
Salt and vinegar chips dipped in chocolate are also very tasty.
6. Never wear a bra… or underwear
As far as I’m concerned, bras and undies are for special occasions – like work or going through a drive-thru in the middle of the day.
They shall never been worn inside the house unless you have company over and even that’s not a sure thing.
7. Put things in piles for our “future selves” to deal with
At the end of every working week I come home to deal with the piles of stuff I have created during the week.
The pile of dirty laundry.
The pile of clean laundry.
The pile of clothes I’ve worn for a couple of hours but don’t smell too bad.
The piles of books I had every intention of reading but then reality TV.
And the piles of miscellaneous items I bought from Kmart.
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