by CHRIS URQUHART
This is the only article about the Olympic Games that you will ever need because it is based on every Olympic news article ever written. Ever.
First, you need to know that the venues aren’t going to be ready on time. Of course by the time that the Olympics are running like clock-work, in beautiful, fully-functioning venues, you will have forgotten about this story that you read two weeks earlier. You will realise that although the venues were ready in time, original stories about the lead-up to the Games were not.
Next there will be a story about how many condoms will be distributed at the Olympic village. The number is approximately 87 million. This article will probably include some enterprising mathematics on behalf of the reporter, who will calculate a figure of 8.346 condoms per athlete. This will lead you to wonder how many pregnancies may occur as a result of the 9th sexual encounter when only 0.654 of a condom is available for use.
Sometimes there will be original stories that take you by surprise. This year, for example, a champion swimmer who critics judge is too fat to compete. Before you dismiss this story as unresearched garbage, be aware that in fact, it is very thoroughly researched. Do you have any idea how many hours it takes to sort through 297 photos of an athlete looking incredibly fit in order to find the 298th photo where she is bending at an awkward angle? What’s most surprising though, is that the debate over the swimmer continues for a second and third day, even though the only debate is between editors as to whether the debate should be on page 1, 2 and 3 or whether it should be on page 4 as well.
At the opening ceremony, you will learn more about the world than you ever did from Mr O’Connor in Year 9 geography. You will learn that Chad is a country, and not the name of a stripper from Manpower. You will learn that Madagascar is less animated than it appears in cartoons. You will learn that seven countries end with –stan, but unbelievably, there is no one called Stan on any of their teams. The other good news is that the next day there will be debate online about how unattractive the Australian team’s uniforms were. You will be qualified to participate in this debate on online forums and messageboards, because Mr O’Connor also taught you textiles and design in Year 9, at your understaffed high-school.
A high profile swimmer will post sexy photos of herself online from various locations in the Olympic precinct. Some of these artistic photos will be taken in a bathroom mirror, with a toilet or shower curtain visible in the background. Some of the other photos will be with strong, good looking athletes from the United States leading to feverish speculation about whether she is using one of the 87 million Olympic condoms with him.
An attractive, late teens, female swimmer that you haven’t heard of before, will end up winning a swag of medals. At this point you should also note that the collective noun for a group of medals is a “swag”. I digress, however. This swimmer will be signed up by a television network for exciting upcoming projects. These exciting upcoming projects are likely to be Season 13 of Dancing with the Celebrities, answering the phones at the station telethon, and a Zoot review for a new line of sports porridge.