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It turns out The Last Resort is just a whole lot of messed up white people trapped on an island.

Excuse me.

But tonight was the premiere of Channel 9’s The Last Resort and it was better than any Tuesday night we’ve had since Married at First Sight ended (R.I.P.).

We begin with the word “groundbreaking,” like when “groundbreaking” means it’s just Seven Year Switch on an unspecified tropical island. I don’t even want to describe the premise of the show because you know it. In your heart you already know. 

Listen: Laura Brodnik and Tiffany Dunk point out a few huge issues with The Last Resort on the latest episode of The Binge. Post continues below. 

A quick intro tells us it’s about five long-term couples facing relationship issues (Seven Year Switch), who are sent to an island for no conceivable reason (Survivor) where they then have to fake marry someone (Married at First Sight) before deciding after one month if they want to stay together (Seven Year Switch… again).

Video via Channel 9

Cool.

I have two initial observations:

  1. “Hey, that’s the chick from jacketgate…”

It’s the jacketgate chick! The psychologist, Sandy Rea.

I know you! Image via Channel 9.
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Sandy! How you been sweetie?

She wears red now as not to clash with relationship coach Michael Myerscough, whose name legit looks like a typo. Also, his accent makes me... not trust him, but more on that later.

2. "Why is everyone so... white?"

There's something inherently uncomfortable about white people going to a tropical island to have professionals fix their relationships, while being waited on hand and foot by black people.

It just ain't right.

But seriously, everyone on this show is whiter than yoga, frisbee, bingo and the f*cking Nutbush, combined. 

"Hi. Our skin colour perfectly suits prime time."
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I am concerned for two reasons; a) racism and b) sunburn. In no way is their skin equipped to deal with tropical island sun for a month. It's giving me anxiety.

EVERYONE SHH IT'S TIME TO MEET THE COUPLES PLS.

Lucy and Carl

Carl had an affair, and we know this mostly because it says it on the screen.

I think Carl had an affair.

They've been together for 13 years, and Lucy says the most romantic Carl gets is when he turns to her on the drive home and says, "do you want to root?"

Phoar. Okay, no one should ever used the word 'root'. It makes it sounds like there's... bark and dirt involved.

Anywho, Carl insists he just had a "fling" with one of his clients, and it's awkward because he pronounced the word "affair" wrong. How embarrassing.

Sharday and Josh

So, turns out Sharday is a name that exists.

"When we're good, we're good," she says. "But when we're bad, it's World War III."

The two share a two-year-old daughter, and are currently sleeping in separate beds.

Sharday and Josh.

Lisa and Dan

When Lisa first men Dan, he was married, and his wife was pregnant with their child.  If that's not a fairy tale beginning, well then we just don't know what is.

They both have children from previous marriages and say "there's a lot here to fight for."

"Our love story is basically like the Notebook, but with significantly more infidelity." Lisa and Dan.

Jodie and Stew

Jodie and Stew have been together for nearly 11 years, but haven't had sex in the last 12 months.

Stew suffered a very serious head injury, and although he has physically recovered, the pair say they've lost their spark.

Myerscough (omg his last name makes me so mad) offers some wise insight in a piece to camera, where he reflects, "angry people are not horny people."

Sarah and Keelan

Sarah and Keelan met in high school and have been together for over eight years.

"Every girls wants a fairy tale ending," Sarah says referring to marriage. But it's awkward because for a lot of women happiness doesn't look like a white dress walking down an aisle.. but never mind.

Keelan drinks too much and makes Sarah feel lonely.

Meeting the experts

Is a relationship coach technically an expert, though? Is it?

Michael Myerscough is a relationship coach, which you can 100 per cent become by doing an online course, here.

Michael Myerscvdjhgdfkjgh.

Sandy Rea is a qualified and practising psychologist, who did not at all deserve to be on the panel of jacketgate.

Anywho, it's time for our five couples to meet Sandy and Michael, so we can enjoy the whiteness all in the one place.

They go through the couples, and each has to announce to the nation what, precisely, is wrong with their relationship.

Sharday and Josh are very desperate to win the prize money (of which there is none) and explain how Sharday lied to Josh throughout her pregnancy, telling him the baby wasn't his.

He wasn't there at the birth, and it wasn't until his daughter was about five weeks old that Josh discovered he was the father.

"I have never got over that," Josh says, which is fairly legitimate.

"We're perfect compared to you."

Lucy and Carl probably come in second, and yet again it's embarrassing for everyone involved, because Carl insists on pronouncing "affair" like "fling".

Lucy wasn't interested in sex because she'd just birthed a live human from her vagina hole, so Carl had an affair with one of his personal training clients.

Oh. Also he's never felt guilty about it, so there's that.

Keelan has a drinking problem, Stew was bed ridden for a year after his accident, and no longer wants to have sex with Jodie, and Dan broke up with Lisa via Facebook messenger this one time.

Jesus.

Dinner party

The relationship specialists then send the five couples to dinner together, so they can compete over who is the most f*cked.

Sharday and Josh win because of the whole, "I told him he wasn't the father of his own baby but I was just joking, but seriously he missed the birth of his first child," thing.

Everyone starts their sentences with, "I'm not one to judge..." before saying, "... but how the f*ck could they do that to each other."

Long story short, these relationships are seriously messed up.

Sarah divulges that one time after she had surgery, Keelan downloaded four different dating apps and she found multiple girls' numbers in his phone.

The couples then go head off to their different cabins, and Sharday comes to the realisation that on this show, when you win you actually lose.

Josh pats her on the back and says, "It's not normal how we behave and what we do," and honestly, that is this entire show in a nutshell.

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