Roll up, roll up!
Last night’s Bachelor episode was a visual self-help book minus the shitty author photo of some noodle with their fist clenched beneath their chin.
Because last night Kiki Morris was eliminated and instead of dissolving into a fit of Richie-shaped tears: she. just. nodded.
Kiki stood there during the ceremony and watched as her chances dwindled with every rose.
Network 10 producers tried desperately to make her come across as secretly dying inside.
They played interview excerpts of her saying she didn't want to go, they caught her muttering 'shit' when the intruder was chosen and they filmed her pulling some emotionally ambiguous faces.
BUT KIKI DON'T CARE.
The final rose was presented and Kiki remained stone-cold.
Network 10 tried to break her.
But Kiki simply pulled Faith into her arms like a panther protecting its fragile, blubbering young.
(Don't worry, Faith, you are all of us at every break-up, ever.)
Osher Gunsberg appeared out of reality tv no-man's land (behind the sound guys) and asked her to leave.
Kiki nodded, smiled and turned.
She hugged the girls, she hugged Richie and then she hitched her dress and walked on out of there.
Pull up a chair my soft-hearted friends because this woman has just shown us how it's done.
It hurts when it's a text. It hurts when it's a face-to-face 'sorry but no' so you can only imagine how it must feel on national television.
But Kiki has shown us that you don't need to cry and you don't need to start screaming "yeah BUT I hated him ANYWAY."
You can just smile, nod and say goodbye.
Because let's be honest, the truth about love is if they don't want you for who you are and what you do: they're not for you.