By ROSIE WATERLAND
Annnnnnd we’re back!
Season 2 of The Bachelor Australia is officially here and already I can’t even deal because the first shot is of him doing some serious beach-gazing from a sexy, bachelor cliff top. Because pensive. Because looking for love. Because Bachelor.
OH MY GLOB FIRST BOMBSHELL OF THE EVENING:
Osher’s hair has had some kind of stunning, drastic makeover. It’s like he got drunk one night with his girlfriends and let them dye his hair over the bathtub with a box they got from Woolies (squealing “I can’t believe you talked me into this!” while giggling uncontrollably). There would have been much vaseline and glad wrap involved. And now he’s officially kicking things off with one of his brilliant, ‘can’t tell if he needs medical attention’ halting way of speaking:
“The new season… Of The Bachelor… Starts now.”
This is it.
His name is Blake. He’s 31. He’s from Perth. And he really wants you to know that Perth is in WA. That’s Western Australia. On the west side of Australia. He would also really like you to know that he is genuinely, for realsies, looking for love, which he proves by going jogging in a park without his shirt on. Then doing some stretches without his shirt on. Then standing in the middle of a rock pool without his shirt on.
He’s a one-woman man, and he believes that one woman is out there somewhere. He just needs her to first compete against 24 other ladies in a brutal bikini-clad Thunderdome-style fight to the death. Then he’ll make her dreams come true by posing with her on the cover of Woman’s Day and holding her hand on the red carpet at some club openings.
We’re now being informed that Blake is more than just muscles with a head, which we know because we get to watch him putting a business shirt on. A business shirt AND cufflinks, because he’s definitely a fancy business man and not just a pretend doctor like last year’s Bachelor.
He’s also carrying an important-looking business folder for doing business and saying something about ‘working towards setting up his own real estate agency’. Sounds just like when I used to answer phones at David Jones and I was ‘working towards winning an Oscar’.
Oh my glob. He was raised by his mother and grandmother, the latter of which is an awesome, sassy old lady in a wheelchair. And he desperately wants to be the father he never had. I would have LOVED to have been at Channel Ten the day the producers found this guy. It would definitely have involved an epic mass-orgasm that could only be matched by the one that occurred in barely literate households across the world the day the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer was released.
Apparently mummy and sassy granny taught him to respect women, and if last year’s Bachelor bikini dodgeball challenge is anything to go by, he’ll definitely be doing a lot of that on this show.
Blah blah blah wants a family of his very own etc etc etc. Shut up now please.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Before the sparkly Hunger Games can begin, Osher continues his tradition of breaking down the complicated maths that is the foundation of the whole show: