ROSIE REVIEWS: Three girls, two "I love yous" and one sneaky erection in the pool.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

HOLY FREAKING GLOB BALLS.

We are so close to the end now I’m pretty sure Osher can actually taste it. And it tastes like freedom. Freedom mixed with his tears and a hint of dirty street pie.

You’ve almost made it, you glorious head of hair with eyes. #SaveOsher

And guess what you guys? Tonight’s episode takes place in AFRICA. (Well, South Africa – which still has the scenery but with people who aren’t frightening colours.)

But first… Bachie needs to do some serious thinking. If he’s going to force a girl to admit she loves him and then abandon her on the other side of the world, then he had better pick the one who has the best chance of figuring out how to get home. Because Sandra Sully sure as hell won’t be paying for that unlovable loser’s plane ticket. That money is allocated to Oshie’s hair-vitamin budget.

GASP! What’s this? Bachie is off to a jewellery store to pick a ring for the lucky lady at the end. And because BUNDA it really looks like they’ve BUNDA got a really important deal BUNDA going with BUNDA, I feel BUNDA like I should BUNDA mention that the jewellery store he BUNDA goes to is BUNDA called BUNDA. BUNDA. (Can I have something free now?)

The BUNDA man has got himself some lines, and he manages to slip in the word ‘journey’ so I like him already. Maybe BUNDA could go on a journey to the post office and send me something. Bachie says that he would like to design an engagement ring himself, because he is definitely very close to picking which one of his three girlfriends deserves to be with his peen for life.

“I feel like I’m close to deciding who I want to be with at the end of this,” he says, outside BUNDA (seriously – I like diamonds, but I’ll take anything). What a romantic engagement ring story that will be! “Oh. Well, he was dating two other women at the time, so he had to pick one that we all would like. And that’s how I ended up with this flawless and very good value BUNDA masterpiece.”

Cut to the final three ladies at the airport. There is much squealing and hugging going on. Clearly they are each very excited about this trip they are each definitely going to get engaged on:

Oh my: BIRDS. MOUNTAINS. BLUE SKY. OCEAN. LION KING-ESQUE MUSIC. I think an editor wants us to know we’re in South Africa now.

Bachie brain is still very confuse, but he definitely knows that one girl must be booted by the end of this episode. The mean powers-that-be at Channel Ten (Sandra Sully, obvs) have officially decided that Bachie may not walk away from this thing with more than one girlfriend. He begged, he cried, he even promised to learn the big words on his cue-cards. But Sandra laid down the law, and the law says polygamy is a NO-GO. Bachie must pick a girl, and stick with her forever. Or at least walk down the Logies red carpet and do a hand-holding double-page spread in New Idea.

So he’s going to take each of the ladies on an important thinking date, that will help him with his thinking when he has to think about which girl to get rid of. He will probably force each of them to confess their love, and then abandon one of them on the side of the road in a foreign country.

Let’s do this!

SAM’S DATE

Bachie wanted to do something extra romantic with Sam, so he’s taking her on a rickety boat to go shark diving in the middle of the very safe shark-infested ocean. Nothing happens. They look at sharks. A shark eats a seal and we spend ten minutes talking about how the shark ate the seal. The shark jumps. The shark swims. Bachie and Sam get in a cage and watch the shark jump and swim.

OMG so exciting!/Can’t believe we’re doing this touristy thing that we’re doing!/look at how well this shows off the different kinds of things you can do in South Africa! etc etc etc.

Bachie hasn’t yet adequately humiliated Sam by forcing her to talk about her feelings, so he takes her on a yacht – oh, sorry, a SUPER YACHT – to do some emotions-talking and hopefully some special-place touching. He hassles her until she admits her feelings: Even though he has spent three months forcing her to compete against 29 other women for his affection, she has definitely fallen for him.

Is the L-word used?

Yes. Sam says ‘I love you’.

His reaction:

“That makes me so, so happy to hear you say that. And to know that you’re feeling that way.” So basically the Bachelor-equivalent of: “And I love spending time with you!”

End date.

LOUISE’S DATE

They climb some mountain. There’s a barrel with a bottle of wine on top of it. Because SOUTH AFRICA. Lots of talk about the view: Look at that view!/Can you believe that view!/South Africa is such an incredible place with such amazing views!/I’m so glad we’re in picturesque South Africa!/South African tourism is the best kind of tourism!/etc etc etc.

I’m getting a little bored of watching them eat lunch when Bachie snaps me out of my stupor with the word ‘intangibles’. Awwww. That would have taken him a really long time to learn. And it’s confusing cos you don’t know if it’s a soft ‘g’ or a hard ‘g’. Gold star, Bachie.

A choir turns up because CULTURE etc. They sing. Louise cries. Although I’m not sure if it’s because she’s worried she’s going to be robbed. She says she’s never had anybody go out of their way for her like that before. Bachie says a very humble ‘you’re welcome’, but really she was talking about Neil the Channel Ten intern, who spent hours on the phone looking for acceptable activities that highlighted South African culture without losing viewers in rural Queensland.

It’s time for the second half of the date. Bachie says Louise will never guess what they’re doing next. I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say they’re probably going to sit in another location.

And….

They go to sit in another location.

This time in a pool, also with a view of picturesque South Africa (book now: SouthAfricaTourism.com):

FINALLY. We’re up to the part where he humiliates Louise by forcing her to confess her love.

Is the L-word used?

Yes, she says it. In Afrikaans. Because CULTURE. And then in English, because Bachie brain no compute Afrikaans.

His reaction:

“You can see yourself spending the rest of your life with me?”

Her reaction to his romantic reaction:

“Yes.”

End date.

LISA’S DATE

They hang out at a little school for poor South African kids, and Lisa cries because she’s so overwhelmed by all the culture. Meanwhile, it doesn’t look like anybody asked this kid if he was happy being a poverty prop:

I don’t think he is.

They generously throw the kids some tennis balls and leave. In a helicopter. Which they could afford because they only bought the poor kids a few tennis balls.

Oh my gosh this is amazing!/South Africa looks so great from a helicopter!/What a fun thing this is to do in South Africa!/I can’t believe how much there is to do in this country! etc etc etc.

They land in a place where they can sit and look at a view. Ugh. And here we go again. Another girl is going to tell Bachie that she loves h –

HOLD UP.

LISA IS STANDING HER AWESOME FREAKING GROUND.

She’s refusing to say the ‘L-word’ until he is in a position to say it back to her (i.e. when his position doesn’t involve his Bachie peen in two other women). FINALLY. Someone is actually giving Blake an emotions-ultimatum.

“Just know that I’m willing and I’m wanting to say more, but I can’t until I hear it from you.”

YES. LISA NAILS IT. TAKE THAT BACHIE. Now call him a Dirty Street Pie and leave!

Oh. She doesn’t. She has slow-blinking forehead sex with him instead:

So, is the L-word mentioned?

NO. WE HAVE A HOLD-OUT. Lisa has denied him the trifecta.

His reaction:

Girl no love Bachie? Bachie brain no compute.

End date.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

And finally – the one true love of my life has made an appearance!

OSHER’S HAIR HAS ARRIVED:

And it looks glorious. Stiff, but also relaxed. Like a confused penis.

This is, sadly, the last time for 2014 that Osher will explain the complicated rose ceremony maths. And with three girls left, it’s no wonder Sandra Sully flew him all the way to South Africa to give this 30 second speech. It’s clearly essential. Take it away, Osher my love:

This season, if 30 girls casually hung out just being casual at Ridge Forrester’s house, and Laurina refused to eat a Dirty Street Pie after she saw Gushica jizzing out of her forehead during a wet-dream, how many photos of Bachie stripping at Hen’s Nights does Osher need to wipe away his tears when he finds out that Nice ‘n’ Easy have discontinued his favourite brown hair-dye without giving Sandra Sully adequate notice?

One. One girl will be going home tonight.

Bachie comes in, and, having totally nailed his crucial 30-second spot in tonight’s ep, Osher leaves. #AustralianIdolLegend

Bachie gives some speech about love, and it’s just so breathtakingly beautiful. I mean come on – none of us ever imagined his reading skills would have come this far by the end of the show. It’s just so lovely to watch. #Education4All

LIPSTICK THEN NOT LIPSTICK LOUISE IS BOOTED.

Despite her valiant efforts describing the very tourist-friendly South African experience, Louise is the loser. Her boyfriend has decided he likes his other two girlfriends better. She cries. He doesn’t.

She says she’ll always love him, several times. Then she’s pushed into a car and driven to the closest bus station.

WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL TWO. SAM vs LISA:

IT’S ON.

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Tomorrow night: THE BACHELOR FINALE.

We are having AN EPIC PARTY you guys!

Join us on all the social media using the #MMBachParty, and check back on Mamamia at 1pm tomorrow for your Essential Bachelor Finale Party Pack (there may or may not be masks involved).

IT’S GOING TO BE HUGE.

Missed an episode? Catch up on all the Bachie glory here:

Final Episode

Episode 19

Episode 18

Episode 17

Episode 16

Episode 15

Episode 14

Episode 13

Episode 12

Episode 11

Episode 10

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Episode 2

Episode 1