real life

Rosie Reviews: A contestant drew a picture of The Bachelor. And, well, you really need to see it.

What? That doesn't look like thoughtful Bachie muscles.
What? That doesn’t look like thoughtful Bachie muscles.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Wait. What is happening? Why have we opened on the girls casually relaxing at Ridge Forrester’s house?

This feels wrong. Why isn’t Bachie Wiggum rowing or basketballing or looking out at the ocean in a tank top? Has Anita locked him in a cupboard somewhere? Has Audrey Day-Knight taken him shopping for classy ‘Prado’ bags at Fountain Lakes?

Help me Osher, I’m frightened!

Phew. Osher’s hair arrives to make me feel safe. He’s brought the single date card, which goes to Sam. Canadian Killer Horse girl is still pissed because she missed her Episode 3 farm-date due to a killer horse allergy. She throws a major tantrum, and starts realising some harsh truths about life in the Sparkly Hunger Games Polygamy Contest:

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“I feel like the most desperate girl in the world! Like, I’m just sitting in a house waiting to be asked out. Crossing my fingers hoping that this week’s better than next!”

Um, yeah. That’s exactly what’s happening here. That is the show you are currently on because of the excellent life choices you have made.

The girls have nothing else interesting to say, so Sam meets Bachie Wiggum in what has come to be a standard Bachelor date meet-up:

This week's Bachie, from the 'Nostalgia Ken Doll' collection.
Today’s Bachie look, courtesy of the ‘Nostalgia Ken Doll’ collection.

Our Bach perched next to a luxury car/helicopter/seaplane/boat, his relaxed demeanour perfectly displaying his skilled ability to pose next to any number of luxury cars/helicopters/seaplanes/boats.

Today’s look comes courtesy of the ‘Nostalgia Ken Doll’ collection, with Bachie standing next to a car which the cue cards tell him is some kind of Ford from the 50s. The female prop in today’s set-up is Sam, who does the obligatory squeal when she sees just how good Bachie is at standing next to this said car. Truly a quality one should always look for in a husband.

Driving in the car small talk small talk Bachie Wiggum ‘Do you like stuff?’ small talk small talk etc.

Sam can’t even deal with the epic romance of driving along the freeway and tells Bachie that she’ll remember driving along this freeway forever.

They arrive at an empty Drive-In cinema. Share some ice cream. Sam gives us her urgent, detailed thoughts on hand-holding: She likes it. Also, the most important thing she does with her life is remember how she was sports captain at her high school 8 years ago.

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A movie is played about Sam’s life, because nobody at Channel Ten wanted to pay the licensing fee for a new-release. Sam reveals that her mum is terrified she’s going to end up alone, because she’s a lady in her early twenties who has so far failed at finding a man. After awkwardly nuzzling his head into her neck for half an hour, Bachie Wiggum gives Sam a rose. They kiss.

GROUP DATE TIME!

Today’s group date is at a race track, because that presents many sexy outfit opportunities for Bachie. Also gives Osher a chance to show how well his hair can withstand the wind/all laws of physics. The girls must be really excited to be on day-release from the house because they are squealing indiscriminately. Like slightly demented parrots who can’t believe they’ve been let out of the cage.

Osher’s glorious hair tells us that this date is putting a whole new spin on the words… Wait for it… ‘speed dating’. Get it? Eh? SPEED dating? Because the cars? WINK? Osher looks scared and alone. Channel Ten should not be experimenting on him with their upsetting attempts at word play humour.

Osher's hair: I hate you.
Osher. Dying inside.

Oh my glob. Osher’s fancy new dye job cries with shame when he’s forced to say:

“Blake is looking for his co-pilot… On the road to love.”

I think I just saw a little bit of him die inside. I’m scared that next episode, all that will remain of Osher is a little tuft of chocolate brown hair being pulled out of the drain by an unlucky intern. Please Channel Ten! Respect celebrity hosts!

#SaveOsher

Today’s ‘I definitely respect women by forcing them to compete for my love’ challenge comes in the form of a driving test, cos ladies trying to drive = so many LULZ.

Each must try to make it through a short course without hitting any traffic cones. And just in case any of them try to make Bachie Wiggum look silly by being competent drivers, they are blindfolded.

Hilarity ensues! With much ‘Ah! Oh no! I’m meant to keep my hands ON the wheel?/Blakey hold me!/Which is left and which is right?/Can I do this while holding your hand instead of steering the car?/giggle giggle me no drivey good’ etc etc etc.

And this piece of sound advice from Bachie, in his best ‘the producers are feeding me lines and I’m confused’ Ralph Wiggum-ism so far:

“Just glide, Gliding. We’re water and… Water.”

That’s driving advice, Bachie Wiggum style.

ralph-wiggum-glue-gif

Chantal wins the driving challenge, and her prize is approximately 30 seconds with Bachie in a fast car. Much squealing takes place. Bachie Wiggum seems slightly confused about who she is, since the editors have deemed her the only girl articulate enough to narrate everything that’s happening on the show once every three minutes. This may be the first time she’s been seen on camera doing something other than explaining how uncool it is that the dog groomer was mean to the party planner’s fashion entrepeneur BFF.

Chantal. Sexy car narration.
Chantal. Sexy car narration.

And just when you’re thinking she’s probably too smart for Bachie Wiggum, she starts talking about sexy cars and how sexy it is to be around a car that is sexy. Sexy car.

Bachie makes a ‘Channel Ten is very clever just look at this wordplay’ toast:

“To getting the heart racing” *WINK*. Cos we’re at a race track? Geddit?

(Somewhere in a cold, dark corner, deep in bowels of Channel Ten studios, Osher curls up in the foetal position and cries, stroking his chocolately brown hair for comfort.)

Canadian Killer Horse girl finally gets some one-on-one time with Bachie Wiggum. You just know it’s because she camped out on Sandra Sully’s front lawn and threatened to drown herself in a pool of killer horses and maple syrup, unless she was given 10 minutes of uninterrupted access.

She returns to the house with a rose, but there is no footage of him actually giving it to her, which means she may or may not have demanded it in exchange for Sandra Sully’s life. She offered up Tim Bailey first, but they didn’t care.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Some girl called Kara has popped up out of nowhere and is talking a lot about her strong feelings for The Bachelor. This kind of last-minute embarrassment usually indicates someone is a massive loser who is about to get booted like the unlovable loser that they are.

OH MY GLOB. One of the curly-haired women is pulling a surprise gift from her boob. It’s a note for Bachie Wiggum. “I’m deep,” she says, with a level of sincerity not befitting a woman who just pulled a love note from the boob section of her sequin dress.

STOP. IT. She has drawn a picture of him! A PICTURE OF HIM AS AN OLD MAN. Because she’s deep, you guys. I actually don’t think I can take this. It’s horrifying. Poor Bachie Wiggum doesn’t know how to handle it. He’s looking for a cue-card with some kind of speed-dating related word play for him to read, but there isn’t one. He’s forced to just sit there, looking at this disturbing future version of himself:

blakey

It looks like the bad guy from a horror movie who chases people through the woods in a clown costume. Now Blakey will have to spend the rest of the night trying to remember which of the identical curly-haired girls is a psychopath.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME.

Lauren. You are the loser. You have lost. Losers must leave immediately. Loser.
Lauren. You are the loser. You have lost. Losers must leave immediately. Loser.

All the usuals get through. Chantal especially, because we need someone who can explain what’s going on when Osher gets overcome with shame and refuses to leave his trailer.

I was certain Kara would be going, but there’s suddenly lots of shots of the one called Lauren. She’s a weird mixture of sad, desperate and hopeful. Kind of like the current Instagram feed of every Bachelor contestant from last year.

It looks like her time as a filler-girl who was clearly never going to win is up. She gets booted. Osher’s hair tells her that she has lost and she is the loser and the loser must leave the house immediately because the Bachelor house is clearly a house for winners.

All the girls cry and hug because none of us can understand the unbreakable bond that is shared with the 15 other women dating your boyfriend.

POST ROSE CEREMONY DRAMAAAA:

Well, none really. Chantal does some narrating and explains that this is a competition called The Bachelor and they are each competing to win on this show called The Bachelor which stars a Bachelor. Conveniently leaves out the fact this Bachelor is a human man version of Ralph Wiggum. With muscles.

Canadian Killer Horse Girl cries because Lauren left. And also because she has a headache. And also because she makes deep connections with people. And also because Killer Horses. And maple syrup. Chantal says something else to explain what’s going on.

End.

Tomorrow night: ELIMINATION DATES BEGIN. The Sparkly Hunger Games are officially getting serious, you guys.


Missed a recap? Catch up here:

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Episode 19

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