By ROSIE WATERLAND
Wait. What is happening? Why have we opened on the girls casually relaxing at Ridge Forrester’s house?
This feels wrong. Why isn’t Bachie Wiggum rowing or basketballing or looking out at the ocean in a tank top? Has Anita locked him in a cupboard somewhere? Has Audrey Day-Knight taken him shopping for classy ‘Prado’ bags at Fountain Lakes?
Help me Osher, I’m frightened!
Phew. Osher’s hair arrives to make me feel safe. He’s brought the single date card, which goes to Sam. Canadian Killer Horse girl is still pissed because she missed her Episode 3 farm-date due to a killer horse allergy. She throws a major tantrum, and starts realising some harsh truths about life in the Sparkly Hunger Games Polygamy Contest:
“I feel like the most desperate girl in the world! Like, I’m just sitting in a house waiting to be asked out. Crossing my fingers hoping that this week’s better than next!”
Um, yeah. That’s exactly what’s happening here. That is the show you are currently on because of the excellent life choices you have made.
The girls have nothing else interesting to say, so Sam meets Bachie Wiggum in what has come to be a standard Bachelor date meet-up:
Our Bach perched next to a luxury car/helicopter/seaplane/boat, his relaxed demeanour perfectly displaying his skilled ability to pose next to any number of luxury cars/helicopters/seaplanes/boats.
Today’s look comes courtesy of the ‘Nostalgia Ken Doll’ collection, with Bachie standing next to a car which the cue cards tell him is some kind of Ford from the 50s. The female prop in today’s set-up is Sam, who does the obligatory squeal when she sees just how good Bachie is at standing next to this said car. Truly a quality one should always look for in a husband.
Driving in the car small talk small talk Bachie Wiggum ‘Do you like stuff?’ small talk small talk etc.
Sam can’t even deal with the epic romance of driving along the freeway and tells Bachie that she’ll remember driving along this freeway forever.
They arrive at an empty Drive-In cinema. Share some ice cream. Sam gives us her urgent, detailed thoughts on hand-holding: She likes it. Also, the most important thing she does with her life is remember how she was sports captain at her high school 8 years ago.
A movie is played about Sam’s life, because nobody at Channel Ten wanted to pay the licensing fee for a new-release. Sam reveals that her mum is terrified she’s going to end up alone, because she’s a lady in her early twenties who has so far failed at finding a man. After awkwardly nuzzling his head into her neck for half an hour, Bachie Wiggum gives Sam a rose. They kiss.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Today’s group date is at a race track, because that presents many sexy outfit opportunities for Bachie. Also gives Osher a chance to show how well his hair can withstand the wind/all laws of physics. The girls must be really excited to be on day-release from the house because they are squealing indiscriminately. Like slightly demented parrots who can’t believe they’ve been let out of the cage.