By ROSIE WATERLAND
Shhhh. Everybody be quiet. Our Bachie is doing some serious kayak-thinking. You can just tell by the way he’s flexing his muscles that he really respects women. Something about love something something water/boats/sunshine.
Cut to Ridge Forrester’s house, and the ladies are just casually sitting around in the living room being totally casual with each other just casually chatting about casual things.
And oh look! We were just totally sitting here being totally casual and Osher has unexpectedly arrived to pay us an unexpected visit! But we were just sitting here being casual! etc etc etc. Osher’s hair has the date card. He informs those struggling to follow along that it is the date card. He leaves, and heads straight to Priceline to get a fresh box of Nice ‘N’ Easy.
Holly the netballer/real estate person gets the single date. Everyone is pissed. Especially Anita, who hasn’t yet realised that the only reason she is still in the competition is because Oprah keeps answering my television prayers. You’re welcome, Anita.
Holly is really excited about the date because she’s never been ‘swooned over’ before. She’s really looking for someone who will make her feel special. So, a guy who is currently forcing her to compete in a Sparkly Hunger Games fight to the death is the perfect choice. She is definitely going to come out of this feeling like a princess. At least, more than Diana, who still thinks her namesake is living with Prince Charles in a castle at Disneyland.
Holly sees Blake. Gives him a hug. Explains to the camera that the thing she just did where she put her arms around Blake is in fact called a hug. Well this is going to be a thrill –
OH MY GLOB IT’S A SEAPLANE. We have our first seaplane of the season, ladies and gentlemen!
Blake and Holly fly to a very exotic location called Palm Beach, which is definitely not only a 45 minute drive from Sydney.
Somehow able to acclimatise to this mysterious locale, Blake gets to talking to Holly about who she is and netball etc. His first and only question is designed to find out exactly what level of ticklish she is. It’s Blake Wiggum in fine form.
Holly can’t even deal with how much work Blake put into the date/she’s so touched that he planned this special date/she can’t believe how lucky she is that Blake organised all this date. Some hard-working producer is definitely not getting enough credit for all the work they put into this.
There’s an orchestra on the beach, filled with musicians who are wondering exactly where they went wrong in their lives. Holly bursts into tears. Blake Wiggum gives her a very earnest hug. “I know,” his little pats on the back say. “Let it out. I’m fucking incredible.”
Cut back to Ridge Forrester’s house, and the ladies have moved their casual hanging out just being casual from the casual living room to casual hanging out just casually being totally casual on the casual lawn.
There’s a group date card, and some girl does a dignified victory dance when her name is called out. Last. In a group of nine.
More single date stuff/awkward small talk/Ralph Wiggum/do you like stuff etc.
Next up at the house: ‘Casual Hanging out just being Casual – The Onesie Edition’. This involves all of the aforementioned living room/lawn casual hanging out, but in onesies. Casual onesies. See below for a comparative analysis: