By ROSIE WATERLAND
Oh my. We open with our Bachie on a boat because when important business men who wear important business shirts need to relax they do it with a camera crew on the high seas. Lots of pulling on ropes and gazing at the horizon. Love love just realised my wife could be on this show love love etc. Cliffs/seagulls/clouds.
Cut to Ridge Forrester’s house, and Osher’s hair has arrived to give the girls this week’s first date card. He’s wearing regular, non-suit clothes, and it feels wrong. Out of context. Like seeing a clown in a courtroom. Or a classy person in an ugg-boot store. Put on a suit Osher, I’m frightened.
Osher helpfully explains to the girls that the date card he is holding is the date card. But tonight’s episode was running 60 seconds under time so before he leaves it on the bench he’s going to manufacture some drama about whether it’s a (GASP!) group date, or a (GASP!) single date. The answer will be revealed… By looking at the date card. Which he will leave on the bench… Right now.
Time-filler suspense over, the Canadian girl opens the envelope and reveals that Jessica has scored the first date. Cue much confusion as a bunch of girls realise they are on a dating show: “I’m not comfortable with this/I don’t want him to date another girl/This doesn’t feel right” etc etc etc.
Some girl called Kara starts talking and I swear to glob she wasn’t in the last episode. I miss Drunk Emma.
Bachie arrives at the house to take Jessica on their one-on-one. A big deal is made about how generous he is to pick her up. “Old fashioned values are important to me,” he says. “I didn’t want Jess to be meeting me anywhere, I wanted to go and pick her up.” #LOVE, according to Ralph Wiggum.
Audrey Day-Knight answers the door, and gets another one of those fleeting, ‘5-second encounters’ she’s so fond of. Although they do make it hard for Blake to discover the ‘Day-Knight’ part of Audrey Day-Knight, so keeping things short is probably a smart move.
Jessica can’t even deal with the fact Blake has actually come to pick her up. “I didn’t expect him to come and pick me up at all! It’s so like… gallant,” she says, to one of the 19 other women gallant Blake is gallantly dating.
Oh look! A sweet little package about gushy Jessica reveals that she likes jogging in the park and sitting under trees and drinking coffee while staring out of windows. And gushing.
They finally arrive at the date that Jessica didn’t have to hitchhike to because Blake was generous enough to pick her up. And upon being faced with the ‘Frozen meets Passions’ Winter Wonderland theme, Jessica’s gush spasms to some dangerously high gush levels. She has reached peak gush. She shakes violently, sheds her skin, and is reborn as Gushica.
Gushica and Blake ice skate for a while. Then Blake forgets how to do talking: “Ryan Gosling. I am not. But Crazy Stupid Love. I am up for.”