By ROSIE WATERLAND
For the second night in a row, we open on the girls casually hanging around the house just casually being totally casual. It doesn’t feel right. How are we supposed to know if Bachie is taking this seriously unless we see him contemplating life while playing some kind of sport without his shirt on? I simply don’t believe he’s thinking seriously about love unless I see his salt-water drenched muscles glistening in the afternoon sun.
The girls are helpfully bringing us up to speed on what this show is, by mentioning that this is a competition called The Bachelor and they are all competing for the love of someone called The Bachelor.
This is boring. I’m sure Osher will come in soon with the date ca –
HOLD UP. Why has Chantal come in with the date card? Why is she doing hosting duties instead of casually hanging out on the couch being casual pretending the cameras aren’t there with the rest of the girls?
Osher, dude, you’ve got one job.
I’m scared. Could they not find him? Has he had some kind of freak hair-dying accident? Did Channel Ten’s love-related wordplay send him into a shame spiral he couldn’t climb out of?
Someone asks Chantal where she found the date card.
“Um…” she replies, nervously. “In a… Secret location.”
Secret location? LIKE A BOWL OF OSHER’S TEARS?
Alright. I guess we can give her a chance…
Chantal narrates that she is about the read the date card.
She reads the date card.
Chantal narrates that there is some bad news on the date card.
She read out the bad news on the date card.
THIS IS NOT THE SAME! Come back Osher! We know you didn’t want to say that thing about the ‘road to love’! We don’t blame you! It’s just not the same with Chantal doing your job. Her hair has too much natural movement.
Tonight’s date is an elimination date – which means two girls go in, but only one girl comes out. It’s like the Thunderdome. With heels. And the two girls competing for the Bachie’s love are…
The identical curly-haired ones. Finally. Someone at Channel Ten has realised that none of us can tell the difference. One of them needs to go.
The date is at the Chinese Garden of Friendship – the perfect backdrop for an epic curly-haired fight to the death.
Bachie greets them both, and that’s when it becomes abundantly clear that he has no idea which of them is which. Within thirty seconds he’s forced each of them to change into different coloured traditional Chinese dresses because:
B) this way the producers can make sure Bachie knows there are actually two different women on this date.Spot the difference!
They sit down to dinner, and Blake keeps turning his head suspiciously from side to side. He knows one of these things is not like the other, but he can’t quite solve the puzzle. He’s confused. Kind of like a puppy seeing its reflection for the first time. So, she’s in a red dress… But wait… How did she change so quickly into the blue dress? And if you’re sitting there in a blue dress, how did you get over to that side of the table and into a red dress so quickly?
Oh glob. Bachie is malfunctioning. Blinking is getting slower and slower. His brain is shutting down in defeat.