By ROSIE WATERLAND
This is it, you guys. We’re finally here. The final episode of Bachie.
We’ve watched as our hero made his way through 30 women in tight, sequin dresses. We’ve watched him struggle to let more and more of those ladies go; cursed by the strict monogamy rules set in stone by the cold-hearted Sandra Sully of Network Ten.
We’ve seen Osher’s glorious hair reach heights we never thought possible. We’ve seen accidental feminist Laurina be crowned the rightful queen of Dirty Street Pies. We’ve seen Gushica confuse Bachie’s peen with her slow-blinking forehead sex and Canadian Horse Killer Girl cry about not being able to change how awful she is as a person. We’ve seen Bachie TOUCH HIS EYE.
And here we are.
After really connecting with each other on this incredible journey of love, the end is finally in sight. And the show that forced multiple women to compete for a man’s love by riding a mechanical bull is finishing things up the only way they know how:
WITH AN EPIC FINAL FIGHT TO THE DEATH
IN THE EXOTIC WILDERNESS OF AFRICA.
It’s Sam vs. Lisa, and one woman is going to walk away tonight having successfully completed her life’s proudest achievement: Beating 29 other women for the love of a man who dances at Hen’s Parties on the weekend.
Let’s do this.
OH MY FREAKING GLOB. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, WE OPEN ON OSHER!
And it’s everything I ever imagined:
Look at him standing on that clifftop, his leg perfectly positioned in his AFRICA-themed tan pants.
And Oh. Holy. Oprah. THE LEGENDS WERE TRUE: His hair CAN blow in the wind! Look at that little tuft fly! I’d heard it whispered by those more hopeful than me but I never dared believe it. Now, no matter how this thing turns out, we can be happy in the knowledge that we have truly witnessed a Bachie miracle this evening:THE LEGENDS WERE TRUE
Cut to a little package of Lisa. Her strengths as a potential mate: Very acceptable womb.
Cut to a little package of Sam. Her strengths: A ‘goofy awkwardness’ that Bachie likes.
This is going to be a nail-biter.
DESERT! GIRAFFES! ELEPHANTS! WATERHOLES! SUN! etc etc etc. Looks like Cape Town wasn’t AFRICA enough so now we’re in AFRICA Africa. The one that looks like The Lion King. Because apparently there are only two places in Africa: Cape Town and Lion King land.
TIME TO MEET THE BACHIE FAM!