By ROSIE WATERLAND
Well, order has officially been restored to the earth and all feels right in the depths of my soul. We finally open on Bachie Wiggum thinking about life and love the only way he knows how:
Doing sit-ups. Shirtless. On a cliff-top. At sunset. Looking out at the ocean.
Just look at that brain in action.
Cut to Ridge Forrester’s house, and Osher’s humiliation kicks off almost immediately this week. In he struts, big smile, sad eyes, not a hair out of place. He pulls out the single date card and says:
“Sorry to tell you I’m not here to cook you breakfast. But I am here to give you THIS.”
Oh Osher. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. STOP DOING THIS TO HIM CHANNEL TEN! DON’T YOU KNOW HE WAS ON AUSTRALIAN IDOL?
Oshey makes as dignified an exit as he can. Goes back to his trailer to read Foucault and dream about Mark Holden inventing the Touchdown.
The one who always wears lipstick gets the single date. Louise, I think. All the girls squeal and jump up and down and help her get ready. Anyone else feel like this is what happens when a new sister wife gets welcomed into the fold?
YES. This date isn’t just on a yacht. It’s on a SUPER YACHT. Not a catamaran, but close.
Bachie Wiggum, wearing a polo shirt and boat shoes, pulls off the “Bachie on a Boat Collection” look perfectly. Louise squeals as she runs into his arms.
This episode has already reached peak squeal. I wonder how Bachie is going to handle coming across women who don’t start shrieking indiscriminately the second they see him? I imagine he’ll be frightened and confused. Like my brain when anyone tries to explain metadata.
Water activities/fun in the sun/we are compatible etc etc etc. Lipstick Louise spends a lot of time explaining that she is actually low maintenance even though she wears red lipstick all the time because everyone on this show has decided that red lipstick is the international symbol for high maintenance.
After eating seafood on the Super Yacht, Lipstick Louise decides that Bachie will always be there for her if she ever needs him. #SOULMATES
He gives her a rose. They kiss. Can’t go in for a close-up because Bachie is now wearing high-maintenance lippie.
WEIRD COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Tonight’s group date is a cocktail party at Ridge Forrester’s house, which confuses everyone because we are only 25 minutes into the episode, and sequin cocktail party fights to the death don’t usually happen until the end.
WHERE IS OSHER! I’M FRIGHTENED OSHER! I’m sorry they made you say that thing about breakfast, but we need you now! The usual narrative of the show is changing and everybody is confused!
Thank glob. There he is. And his hair is in a suit which means this is serious.