By ROSIE WATERLAND
HOLY FREAKING GLOB BALLS.
We are so close to the end now I’m pretty sure Osher can actually taste it. And it tastes like freedom. Freedom mixed with his tears and a hint of dirty street pie.
You’ve almost made it, you glorious head of hair with eyes. #SaveOsher
And guess what you guys? Tonight’s episode takes place in AFRICA. (Well, South Africa – which still has the scenery but with people who aren’t frightening colours.)
But first… Bachie needs to do some serious thinking. If he’s going to force a girl to admit she loves him and then abandon her on the other side of the world, then he had better pick the one who has the best chance of figuring out how to get home. Because Sandra Sully sure as hell won’t be paying for that unlovable loser’s plane ticket. That money is allocated to Oshie’s hair-vitamin budget.
GASP! What’s this? Bachie is off to a jewellery store to pick a ring for the lucky lady at the end. And because BUNDA it really looks like they’ve BUNDA got a really important deal BUNDA going with BUNDA, I feel BUNDA like I should BUNDA mention that the jewellery store he BUNDA goes to is BUNDA called BUNDA. BUNDA. (Can I have something free now?)I think he’s going to BUNDA.
The BUNDA man has got himself some lines, and he manages to slip in the word ‘journey’ so I like him already. Maybe BUNDA could go on a journey to the post office and send me something. Bachie says that he would like to design an engagement ring himself, because he is definitely very close to picking which one of his three girlfriends deserves to be with his peen for life.
“I feel like I’m close to deciding who I want to be with at the end of this,” he says, outside BUNDA (seriously – I like diamonds, but I’ll take anything). What a romantic engagement ring story that will be! “Oh. Well, he was dating two other women at the time, so he had to pick one that we all would like. And that’s how I ended up with this flawless and very good value BUNDA masterpiece.”
Cut to the final three ladies at the airport. There is much squealing and hugging going on. Clearly they are each very excited about this trip they are each definitely going to get engaged on:Guys! Our boyfriend is going to maybe propose to us!
Oh my: BIRDS. MOUNTAINS. BLUE SKY. OCEAN. LION KING-ESQUE MUSIC. I think an editor wants us to know we’re in South Africa now.
Bachie brain is still very confuse, but he definitely knows that one girl must be booted by the end of this episode. The mean powers-that-be at Channel Ten (Sandra Sully, obvs) have officially decided that Bachie may not walk away from this thing with more than one girlfriend. He begged, he cried, he even promised to learn the big words on his cue-cards. But Sandra laid down the law, and the law says polygamy is a NO-GO. Bachie must pick a girl, and stick with her forever. Or at least walk down the Logies red carpet and do a hand-holding double-page spread in New Idea.