real life

Rosie Reviews: He didn't even need a rose ceremony - it was obvious who had to go.

And just like that, he was gone.
And just like that, he was gone.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Oh girls. How your numbers have dwindled. Look at you sitting there, casually hanging out in Ridge Forrester’s house, like you haven’t been through an epic ordeal of romance. How strong you all are, to have withstood the pain of seeing your comrades fall. And all for the perfect man – the man who is dating all of you, and picking you off, one by one. YOU ARE TRUE HEROES.

OSHER’S HERE! Oh. And he’s gone again. That was quick. Back to the dungeon in the bowels of Channel Ten, no doubt. Hair with that much dye should not be exposed to natural light for extended periods. Also, he needs to practise his love-puns for upcoming episodes. Sandra Sully won’t brush his hair until he can get through a whole sentence without any mistakes. Which is kind of hard when he can’t stop crying and thinking of Dicko.

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Lipstick Louise gets the single date. Although, in a shocking and dramatic twist, she’s stopped with the lipstick and gone for a ‘new look’. Which means the two most interesting things she’s now done on this show are wear lipstick, then not wear it. This should be riveting.

SINGLE DATE TIME!

Yep. That's definitely him piloting from the backseat.
Yep. That’s definitely him piloting from the backseat.

Lipstick-then-not-lipstick Louise meets Bachie as he arrives via helicopter. A helicopter that she is certain he designed, built and piloted himself. They head to some winery in the Hunter Valley, and we get to spend the trip listening to Bachie talk about how much they connect she’s hot and how he really feels like he knows her after one date she’s hot and how he’s hoping to get to know her even more on this second date she’s hot.

They take a horse and carriage ride through the winery, because Bachie is halfway through reading Cinderella and he really likes the parts with the horse and carriage (‘carriage’ is a super-hard word to read, but he can still tell from the pictures).

Louise gives Bachie a piece of caramel slice that she baked herself, which means her journey on this show now consists of wearing lipstick, not wearing lipstick, and baking. Which actually might be just the right level of complexity for our li’l Bachie.

Lots of smiling/so in love/there used to be a girl who wore lipstick who looked a lot like you but I haven’t seen her for a while/love/love etc.

Lipstick-then-not-lipstick Lousie says that she has a man list and Bcchie meets all the requirements on that man list. A dude who forces me to compete with 23 other women isn’t really one of my prerequisites, but each to her own, I guess.

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They kiss. She gets a rose. Successfully attempts every recipe from Julia Child’s Mastering The Art Of French Cooking. End date.

GROUP DATE TIME!

#charity
#charity

Oshie has been let out for the morning to help explain to the girls that they’ll be filming a ‘community service announcement’ today. It’s for The Heart Foundation, but Bachie seems to think it’s for him. You know – to see how well the girls can work on camera. Because if Tim and Anna’s recent appearance on ‘The Living Room’ is anything to go by, this year’s Bachelor couple clearly have a massive TV career ahead of them.

Chantal, whose sole motivation for coming on this show was to try and take over Oshier’s hosting job, is kind of screwed after being paired with Gushica. For some reason, slow-blinking forehead sex doesn’t really play well in an ad for The Heart Foundation.

Laurina goes into full Bogan Robot mode as soon as the camera hits her flawless face. Although that was to be expected, given her incredible performance in the infomercial we unearthed yesterday (seriously, it’s right here – you have to watch it). Zoe is… there. Yep. That’s it. Zoe is a person who is also there.

That leaves Sam and Lisa’s commercial the winner. The winner by default, but still the winner.

Their glorious prize is some precious alone time with Bachie at the Bachie Pad. And although he puts them on his fanciest love-seat, Bachie just can’t seem to seal the threesome deal. Instead he, Sam and Lisa just talk about feelings/love/connections etc. Poor Bachie is confused. He was hoping for peen in multiple holes.

In a moment that epitomises romance on The Bachelor, Sam tells Bachie that she is falling in love with him – right in front of one the seven other women he is currently dating. The three of them enjoy the beautiful moment together:

BACH-AWKS#ROMANCE

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Oh and it’s a THEME cocktail party! A theme! But this is different than usual! Help me Osher! The show isn’t doing the same thing it normally does! I’m frightened and confused! Please explain to me what’s going on!

Phew. There he is. Everything is okay and we are safe. Tonight’s cocktail party is a masquerade theme. The covered faces don’t really make a difference to Bachie, who won’t be able to tell the difference between his girlfriends anyway after Oshie leaves.

COCKTAIL PARTY DRAMAAAAA:

Ladies. Tonight. You will play. Musical Chairs of Polygamy.
Ladies. Tonight. You will play. Musical Chairs of Polygamy.

Osher’s hair reveals that there will be NO ROSE CEREMONY tonight. It has been decided that a more humiliating process of elimination shall take place. Bachie will spend the evening handing out roses during the party. Whoever doesn’t have a rose at the end of the night, LOSES LIKE AN UNLOVABLE LOSER.

It’s the Musical Chairs of Polygamy.

Oh glob. Gushica has written Bachie a letter and because he’s stuck in green reading group SHE HAS TO READ HIM THE LETTER. Like, to his actual face.

Ugh. It’s so awkward. I can’t take it. It’s awful. She is reaching peak gush. Her eyelids may actually fuse together. Actually, I’m not sure how to admit this, but I’m getting to a weird place where I’m finding slow-blinking forehead sex kind of… a turn on. OH GOD. WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME? I WANT THEM TO TOUCH FOREHEADS SO BAD OMG I AM SUCH A SICKO PLEASE SEND HELP.

He gives her a post-coital rose. I rethink everything about my sexuality.

Normal Lisa gets a rose. Closet Bogan Sam gets a rose. Curly Hair #1 gets a rose.

That leaves Audrey Day-Knight and Chantal. The queen of Dirty Street Pies or the woman who narrates everything when Osher needs a break.

"Community TV here I come."
Coming soon to a community channel near you.

I’m almost, almost, undecided about who I want to leave, but then Audrey Day-Knight admits that she ‘can’t be bothered’ dazzling Bachie tonight and my mind is made up:

All hail Laurina: Audrey Day-Knight. Dirty Street Pie survivor. Most self-possessed woman on this show. Accidental feminist. Unexpected hero.

#LaurinaForBachelorette

Bachie talks to Chantal and is all: “Yeah, thanks for narrating everything when Osher is crying in his trailer, but I just can’t see myself having forehead sex with you.” And Chantal is all: “I get that. But good luck understanding what’s going on when I’m not here to explain it to you. Bye SUCKAAA.”

And with that, she is gone. And all she got was a lousy showreel that she can hopefully leverage into some hosting gigs at RSL weddings.

Laurina returns to the house LIKE THE TRIUMPHANT ‘CAN’T BE BOTHERED’ QUEEN THAT SHE IS.

But without Chantal there to explain what just happened, nobody understands anyway. We close on the girls trying to breakdown the evening’s events. They think they might be on a show called Survivor. Much confusion. Somebody call Osher.



 

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