By ROSIE WATERLAND
Sigh. Same old.
We open on the girls hanging out in Ridge Forrester’s house just causally hanging out being casual as bloody usu – HOLD UP. Hold. Up.
Why is there a date card just randomly sitting on a chair? Where the hell is Osher and why didn’t he deliver it personally? What is happening? I’m frightened!
Something bad must have gone down. I’m worried Osher ignored the height restrictions when driving through an underpass and scraped half his hair off. How many times do you need to be told Osher? Avoid freeways, low bridges and car parks! Please Osher #RespectHairHeightRules
The girls somehow manage to figure how to open the envelope and read what’s inside it without help from Oshie. Lisa gets the single date, and since she’s the nicest and most normal person on the whole show, what a gripping date it will be.
GRIPPING single date time:
Bachie is taking Lisa to ‘the races’, which explains her decision to wear a frilly top hat, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. She’s convinced that Bachie put a lot of hard work into personally organising this date, including building Randwick Racecourse, cooking lunch and single-handedly siring several horses.
The date consists of the two of them sitting in one place, before going to sit in another place, before going to sit in a third place. He gives her a massage. Asks her if she is enjoying the massage. She says yes.
Lisa heads back to the house with a rose and tells everybody about her incredible day of sitting in three slightly different locations. Everybody is very jealous, but definitely not worried because she’s talking about ‘her Blake’ and ‘her Blake’ is different to ‘my Blake’. You have to ‘keep the Blakes separate’ apparently. You know, the same kind of logic people use when watching Woody Allen movies.
OH. MY. GLOB. MID EPISODE DRAMAAAAAA:
Laurina, aka Audrey Day-Knight (Audrey Hepburn on the outside, Kath Day-Knight on the inside, OBVIOUSLY) is in hospital. We find out through some very believable acting by Chantal, Closet Bogan Sam and Gushica:
“Guys. I. Have. Some… Bad news.”
“Oh. No.” *sideways glance*
“Please tell us what the bad news is that you are talking about.”
“It’s that girl we live with – Laurina. She’s sick”. *sideways glance*
“And she went to the hospital.”
“Oh. No. I can’t believe Laurina went to the hospital. This is definitely the first time I am hearing about Laurina being in the hospital.”
I’d say we should just put them out of their misery and let them read it straight from the script, but Bachie is still only in the green reading group and he doesn’t like to be left out. In the Bachie house, you read the Goosebumps as stipulated on the reading list, or you read nothing at all.
STOP IT – apparently Laurina was up all night with excruciating stomach pain. It got so bad she had to be rushed to the emergency room. You know what that means…
DIRTY STREET PIE POISONING.
She KNEW it! She bloody knew it. #LaurinaWasRight
GROUP DATE TIME!