By ROSIE WATERLAND
I’m worried about Bachie. This is the second night in a row we haven’t seen him jogging shirtless on the beach. Or holding up a heavy newspaper with his bulging businessman biceps. I hope he’s okay. Why does he keep forcing us to watch the girls ‘casually’ hanging out in the house they’re definitely not trapped in? Is he stuck on a word in his reading group’s latest Goosebumps novel?
Osher can keep things moving forward when Bachie’s not around, but he can only spend so long away from the vitamin-infused hyperbaric chamber he got from Global Shop Direct before his hair starts to wilt. It’s really unfair of Channel Ten to work him so hard. Especially since he used to know Mark Holden.
Oshie leaves two date cards with the girls. Gushica gets the single date and… Well, remember that moment in Week 1, when she was still Jessica, and she gushed so much that she shed her skin and became Gushica?
We just reached Gushica 2.0, people – Anne-Hathaway level gushing.
She cannot even deal with hearing her name called out for a single date. Gushica’s gushing reaches fever-pitch. Peak gush is a thing of the past. This is MEGA-GUSH:
I think we may have just witnessed a Gushica orgasm.
She’s going to need some time to revoer.
GROUP DATE TIME!
And we’re on a yacht. About freaking time. Bachie enters in sexy Bachie boardies and much squealing ensues. It’s obvious now that he was a no-show this morning because he was oiling up. Probably with some of the skin-protecting vaseline he found in Osher’s hair-dying room. Shhhh – don’t tell Oshie.
Six lucky girls have been chosen for the honour of wearing a bikini on a boat with Bachie. Chantal and Mary are immediately in the bad-books because they’re wearing one-pieces. How is Bachie meant to get to know them like that? Silly girls.
Closet Bogan Sam is pulled aside for some special ‘sunscreen-applying time’. Apparently they need to do this lying down on a sun-bed. And I’m not exactly sure what Bachie thinks sunscreen is, but by the way he’s slowly rubbing it on her back, I’m fairly certain a cheeky producer told him it was a sex thing:
He just keeps rubbing and rubbing and rubbing… It’s like the first 2 minutes of a female-friendly porn, where everybody is still pretending that things are sensual and romantic before suddenly cutting to a shot of a girl getting pounded from behind.
Sam says she’s finding it hard to open up to him because of his nine other girlfriends. Bachie says she really needs to stress less about his nine other girlfriends.
PROBLEM SOLVED. Sam is in love. Bachie rewards her with a rose.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
It looks like the producers have decided to see how far Gushica’s gushing can be pushed before her brain starts leaking out of her ears. She tries to keep her gushing in check by slow-blinking and calling everything ‘beautiful’.