By ROSIE WATERLAND
Sigh. We don’t open with any shots of a shirtless Bachie working out this week. I would have even settled for a brief montage of him in a business shirt doing business things because he is definitely a business man and not just the receptionist at his local LJ Hooker who dances at Hens’ parties on weekends. Where could he be? Did he get distracted on the way to the gym by a man selling magic beans?
#StaySafeBachie
Instead, we open on the remaining 10 girls casually sitting around Ridge Forrester’s house just casually being casual. The cameras were lucky enough to catch them at just the right time, because they’ve all got perfect hair and make-up and just happen to be talking about how much they love The Bachelor at that exact moment. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
Osher’s hair is here! He seductively pulls three single date cards out of his jacket. And then, just like the dude I hooked up with through Tinder once, he is gone as quickly as he came.
Closet Bogan Sam, one of The Others and Laurina (aka Audrey Day-Knight) all get single dates. Nobody can believe how generous Bachie is being this week; letting three of his ten girlfriends leave the house. He truly does get more perfect by the minute.
Date #1
Sam’s date is first, and all the girls cheer and squeal for her as she leaves, because that’s apparently the proper etiquette when your boyfriend takes another woman on a date.
She drives herself to a romantic shed, where Bachie is waiting. Then they fly in a helicopter over the Harbour Bridge and there’s lots of close-up shots of their hands together so you know IT MUST BE LOVE.
Sam asks where they’re going and Bachie mumbles something about ‘details’, which means he doesn’t know. Maybe he thinks ‘Details’ is a place? The producers really need to walk him through this stuff better.
They eventually land in a field and head over to a tree with some portable IKEA furniture set up underneath it. Something tells me Bachie blew the date budget on those magic beans this morning.
Serious love chat/talking/talking/touching foreheads/talking/talking etc. Bachie wants Sam to know he likes her so he performs the ritual he’s come to do with all his favourites: He shoves some food in front of her face until she opens her mouth to accept it.
She does. He gives her a rose. Pushes her on a romantic swing of romance. They kiss. End date.
Date #2
One of The Others. Too nondescript to warrant a name. Bachie takes her to a courtyard to eat spaghetti. She mentions that spaghetti is sometimes messy to eat and Bachie laughs uproariously. I guess he’s pegged her as ‘the funny one’.
Most interesting part of the conversation is as follows:
“Have you enjoyed the date?”
“I have. Have you enjoyed the date?”
“I have.”
End date.
Date #3
