By ROSIE WATERLAND
Sigh. We don’t open with any shots of a shirtless Bachie working out this week. I would have even settled for a brief montage of him in a business shirt doing business things because he is definitely a business man and not just the receptionist at his local LJ Hooker who dances at Hens’ parties on weekends. Where could he be? Did he get distracted on the way to the gym by a man selling magic beans?
#StaySafeBachie
Instead, we open on the remaining 10 girls casually sitting around Ridge Forrester’s house just casually being casual. The cameras were lucky enough to catch them at just the right time, because they’ve all got perfect hair and make-up and just happen to be talking about how much they love The Bachelor at that exact moment. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
Osher’s hair is here! He seductively pulls three single date cards out of his jacket. And then, just like the dude I hooked up with through Tinder once, he is gone as quickly as he came.
Closet Bogan Sam, one of The Others and Laurina (aka Audrey Day-Knight) all get single dates. Nobody can believe how generous Bachie is being this week; letting three of his ten girlfriends leave the house. He truly does get more perfect by the minute.
Date #1
Sam’s date is first, and all the girls cheer and squeal for her as she leaves, because that’s apparently the proper etiquette when your boyfriend takes another woman on a date.
She drives herself to a romantic shed, where Bachie is waiting. Then they fly in a helicopter over the Harbour Bridge and there’s lots of close-up shots of their hands together so you know IT MUST BE LOVE.
Sam asks where they’re going and Bachie mumbles something about ‘details’, which means he doesn’t know. Maybe he thinks ‘Details’ is a place? The producers really need to walk him through this stuff better.
They eventually land in a field and head over to a tree with some portable IKEA furniture set up underneath it. Something tells me Bachie blew the date budget on those magic beans this morning.
Serious love chat/talking/talking/touching foreheads/talking/talking etc. Bachie wants Sam to know he likes her so he performs the ritual he’s come to do with all his favourites: He shoves some food in front of her face until she opens her mouth to accept it.
She does. He gives her a rose. Pushes her on a romantic swing of romance. They kiss. End date.
Date #2
One of The Others. Too nondescript to warrant a name. Bachie takes her to a courtyard to eat spaghetti. She mentions that spaghetti is sometimes messy to eat and Bachie laughs uproariously. I guess he’s pegged her as ‘the funny one’.
Most interesting part of the conversation is as follows:
“Have you enjoyed the date?”
“I have. Have you enjoyed the date?”
“I have.”
End date.
Date #3
LAURINA’S DATE YES YES YES.
Bachie picks her up in a limo and takes her to a bowling alley. She can’t even deal. He might as well have just told her that the theme of their date is Herpes. She looks as though she may actually rather lick a crusty herpes penis than put the bowling shoes on with her cocktail dress.
In a Bachelor first, Laurina refuses to pretend that she likes the date. This confuses Bachie immensely.
His brain seems to be in rare overdrive: Why isn’t she squealing and jumping up and down and telling me I’m the man of her dreams? Why is she annoyed that I told her to wear the classiest outfit she owned and then took her to a bowling alley? Why aren’t these sexy bowling balls reminding her of my actual balls and compelling her to confess her love for me?
Ohhhh, I see. This date is officially about how much the producers can get away with trolling Laurina. So this date is straight-up bullshit.
Bowling over and done with, Bachie tells her that they’re headed to ‘an iconic restaurant’, that ‘lots of celebrities go to’. Poor Laurina looks so relieved. Like someone just told her that she didn’t get infected while at Herpes bowling.
Then she steps out of the limo and…
It’s a pie truck. Well, Harry’s Cafe De Wheels, to be exact. Which is fucking great at 4am when your mascara’s on your chin and you’re carrying your shoes. But a pie truck is still a pie truck. And if Laurina thought bowling was as bad as herpes, then a pie truck might as well be an Ebola clinic.
The menu perplexes her, and when she hears they don’t have soy milk, it genuinely looks like she’s experiencing one of the most painful moments of her life.
She snaps, and asks the camera why she was told to get dressed up, when she was just going to be eating a dirty street pie. (‘Dirty Street Pie’ is officially my new favourite insult and I shall use it all the time and it shall be amazing and I love the ‘Kath Day-Knight’ part of Laurina’s Audrey Day-Knight personality so much.)
#DirtyStreetPie
Laurina (who continues to surprise as the most self-possessed woman on the show) confronts Bachie about the fact this whole date has clearly been designed to troll her by seeing how she would react to being faced with activities she obviously wouldn’t enjoy.
Bachie is perplexed that Laurina is so upset. He doesn’t understand women who don’t fawn over him. Bachie brain still not compute.
Um, you told her to get really dressed up, said you were taking her to a fancy restaurant, and now you’re annoyed that she’s embarrassed and feels over-dressed for bowling and a food truck?
You sir, are a Dirty Street Pie.
End date.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Looks like the entire theme of this cocktail party is ‘Amber Is Officially The Most Hard Done-By Person In The Whole World’. All of Bachie’s girlfriends have spent some time alone with him except her. This is apparently a tragedy on par with the human slave-trade.
Amber wants everybody to know that Amber Is Officially The Most Hard Done-By Person In The Whole World, which she demonstrates by dramatically picking up her handbag and storming out of the room several times. That way everybody will know that Amber Is Officially The Most Hard Done-By Person In The Whole World.
This is even worse than when the killer horses tried to kill her dead in Week 1. This is serious.
Meanwhile, the new girl who looks like the old netball girl but is actually a basketball girl is having a birthday. Bachie helps make it special by graciously allowing her to stand with him on the balcony for a brief moment. He humbly tells her that this is obviously a birthday she’ll never forget. Moment over.
Bachie finally comes to over to deal with Amber and the fact that Amber Is Officially The Most Hard Done-By Person In The Whole World. He takes her out the front, which is a bad sign. There’s a car waiting there, which is a bad sign. He doesn’t try to shove food in her mouth as a symbolic gesture of love, which is a REALLY bad sign.
MAYDAY AMBER MAYDAY. IT’S A SET-UP. YOU ARE BEING BOOTED. RUN GIRL RUN.
Oh my glob. He is actually sending her home. He says he just knew there ‘wasn’t a spark’ with her, so he didn’t see the point in forcing her to sit through another rose ceremony. That is code for “We were actually petrified about how you might react, and Channel Ten’s insurance wouldn’t cover it, so I’m doing it here on the front lawn so I can push you straight into the car and run away.”
Which he does. Amber, Canadian Killer Horse Girl, Most Hard Done-By Person In The Whole World, is shoved into the back of a limo and never heard from again.
Osher’s sensitive hair comes to break the news to the ladies waiting inside. Cut to many shots of thrilled, sequin-clad women trying to look sad while also smirking. Osh says that Bachie is too emotionally fragile from dumping one of his ten girlfriends to face any more of the ladies, so there will be no rose ceremony tonight.
WHAT? NO ROSE CEREMONY? THE WORLD HAS TIPPED OFF ITS AXIS AND I’M SCARED AND ALONE.
Osher can’t even help us through this confusing time because he has to head straight to Bachie’s side to be his emotional support. I can picture them right now; Oshie the big spoon, Bachie the little one. Bachie sucking his thumb with one hand while reaching up and twirling Osher’s hair with the other.
Meanwhile, we’re all left to deal with this dark and confusing rose ceremony-less time on our own. With no support from Osher or Osher’s hair anywhere to be found.
Let’s just try to get through it together, I guess.
Dirty Street Pie.
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PS – Rosie will be doing a live chat on Mamamia Facebook during next Wednesday night’s episode of The Bachelor. So if you’ve got something you’d like to ask her about Bachie Wiggum, Osher’s hair or Dirty Street Pies, make sure you’re on Mamamia Facebook from 7:30-8:30pm on Wednesday September 10. #DirtyStreetPie
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