real life

Rosie Reviews: Ew. The Bachelor actually just asked the girls to prove their cooking skills.

Perfect for surfing.
Coming soon: “Blowing Osher’s Big One”

By ROSIE WATERLAND

STOP. IT.

We open with Osher’s hair this week! Swept up and to the side like an incredible cartoon wave.

Next year we need a show where sexy hairstylists battle it out in humiliating challenges for the chance to give Osher one glorious blow-wave. Instead of roses he could hand out small locks of his hair, which I’m sure he collects from the shower drain and keeps in a special box under his bed. We could call it “Blowing Osher’s Big One.”

Oh no. Poor Osh. He has been tasked with bringing the girls a ‘sincere message’ from Bachie. As sincere as a message can be from the man who currently has the 12 women he’s dating locked in a house together. They pulled him out of the foetal position for this? Don’t they know he could climbing mountains and changing his name?

ADVERTISEMENT

Ever the professional (he was on Idol, you know), Osh pulls out the big guns: Furrowing his lustrous brow, he says that Bachie expects the girls to help him while he decides which one of them would make the best Bachie Wife. Then he puts the single date card on the table and leaves. Back to the cage at Channel Ten where his eyelids are held open while love-puns flash across a glowing screen.

#SaveOsher

Curly Hair #1 (Zoe maybe?) gets the single date. She’s considered one of the more intelligent girls because she’s a pharmacist and not a party planner/designer/fashionpreneur. I worry she may confuse Bachie, who has been confirmed by me as the human version of Ralph Wiggum. But then she says she’s ‘unexperienced’ in love and I have a feeling they’ll get along just fine.

A boat man who is captain of the smallest boat in the history of boats with captains gives his very best sexy Bach-style lean as he welcomes Curly Hair #1 to his love machine:

bach-boat-captainSettle down, hot shot.

Is this Bachie’s proxy? Was he hoping Curly Hair #1 wouldn’t notice? Has dating multiple women finally caused him to lose track of time? Did he accidentally step on Osher and have to go home and change his shoes?

Ah. This sexy boat captain is just taking Curly Hair #1 to her destination date, which is an island just off Sydney Harbour. Bachie says he wanted to remind Curly Hair #1 of her time volunteering in Vanuatu, so there’s lots of pineapples and huts and culturally accurate looking people wearing leis and dancing.

It becomes increasingly clear that the producers have convinced Bachie that this island, in full view of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, actually is Vanuatu.

ADVERTISEMENT

bachie-vanuatuVanuatu: You’ll never ever know if you never ever go.

Bachie and Curly Hair #1 lie down on the sand and have a riveting conversation about the sunset and how nice the sunset is and oh my god can you believe the sunset and how lucky are we that the sun is setting have you ever seen it do that before omg sunsets are so beautiful especially in Vanuatu etc.

Curly Hair #1 says she has seen some third world issues, and judging by Bachie’s face it’s the deepest fucking thing he’s ever heard anyone say, ever. He can’t even deal. He shoves a raspberry in her face, and upon opening her mouth to accept it, their connection is confirmed. He gives her a rose and they kiss.

GROUP DATE TIME.

Osher’s back, and those pre-natal vitamins Channel Ten are force-feeding him instead of food are doing wonders: His hair still looks incredible.

bach-hates-kara
I’m actually expected to put up with a woman who can’t bake a cake from scratch?

YES. Oshie informs the ladies that today’s group date is a baking challenge! After testing their womb-skills at the childcare centre last week, Bachie would now like to see who has the domestic wifey skills to match. Because nothing says romantic date like your abilities in the kitchen being scrutinised by a man dating 11 other potential wives.

Apparently Lipstick Louise will be the best wifey because she is the best baker. Although she wasn’t on the childcare date so Bachie has no way of knowing what condition her womb is in. I guess if her junk is bad he has a few other girls to choose from. She obviously manages to bake her cake plus five others while simultaneously getting her cosmetic lip tattoo reapplied.

Kara is almost certainly getting booted this week because Bachie is clearly unimpressed with her cooking skills. She keeps doing weird stuff like reading the instructions and trying to concentrate on measurements. Anyone who can’t bake a wedding cake while staring adoringly at her man instead of the recipe clearly has to go. I mean, multitask much?

Her ticket to Spinster Island is officially confirmed when Kara fails to notice that Canadian Killer Horse Girl has sabotaged her by turning off her oven. An undercooked cake is one of Bachie’s dealbreakers. Kara is a goner.

Louise’s cake is the best. Mary’s is the worst. Put together, they kind of look like one of those ‘Failing at DIY’ memes:

bach-cakes

Just like the perfect, tattooed lip wifey that she is, Louise says she doesn’t care that her cake was the best – the most important thing is that Bachie liked it. Then she pops out three babies without any drugs, immediately gets them onto a perfect sleep schedule and goes home to make a 7-course meal before setting her hair in rollers.

We are so lucky to have him as a boyfriend, you guys.
We are so lucky to have him as a boyfriend, you guys.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Curly Hair #1 still can’t believe that Bachie took her all the way to Vanuatu for their date. She cries with joy while telling his 11 other girlfriends how special he makes her feel. She looks down at the diamond bracelet he tagged her with so he could tell her apart from Curly Hair #2, and she just can’t believe how lucky she is.

Words/Words/Hope I don’t go home tonight/Sequins/Sequins/ Words/Words etc etc.

ROSIE CEREMONY TIME.

Awww Bachie’s been practising something special! He reads a little speech about love off the cue-cards, and doesn’t stumble once. He pauses a little, but that’s to be expected from people in the Orange reading group. Maybe next week he’ll make it into the Green group. I hear they get to read Goosebumps for homework.

Kara’s inability to bake a cake while growing Bach Sperm-worthy eggs at the same time comes back to haunt her. She is booted. Osh gives her a ticket to Spinster Island and kicks her out immediately. Ridge Forrester’s mansion is no place for a woman who can’t bake a cake from scratch.

Next week: Canadian Killer Horse Girl continues her quest to become Australia’s Sweetheart. Audrey Day-Knight is forced to eat dirty street pies.


Follow Rosie on Facebook right here.

Missed a recap? Catch up here:

Final Episode

Episode 19

Episode 18

Episode 17

Episode 16

Episode 15

Episode 14

Episode 13

Episode 12

Episode 11

Episode 10

Episode 9

Episode 8

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1

In other news, Osher Gunsberg makes his own podcasts, which are fun, interesting and you can listen to them while picturing his excellent Bachie hair. Check them out here.

FROM OUR NETWORK
00:00 / ???