By ROSIE WATERLAND
STOP. IT.
We open with Osher’s hair this week! Swept up and to the side like an incredible cartoon wave.
Next year we need a show where sexy hairstylists battle it out in humiliating challenges for the chance to give Osher one glorious blow-wave. Instead of roses he could hand out small locks of his hair, which I’m sure he collects from the shower drain and keeps in a special box under his bed. We could call it “Blowing Osher’s Big One.”
Oh no. Poor Osh. He has been tasked with bringing the girls a ‘sincere message’ from Bachie. As sincere as a message can be from the man who currently has the 12 women he’s dating locked in a house together. They pulled him out of the foetal position for this? Don’t they know he could climbing mountains and changing his name?
Ever the professional (he was on Idol, you know), Osh pulls out the big guns: Furrowing his lustrous brow, he says that Bachie expects the girls to help him while he decides which one of them would make the best Bachie Wife. Then he puts the single date card on the table and leaves. Back to the cage at Channel Ten where his eyelids are held open while love-puns flash across a glowing screen.
#SaveOsher
Curly Hair #1 (Zoe maybe?) gets the single date. She’s considered one of the more intelligent girls because she’s a pharmacist and not a party planner/designer/fashionpreneur. I worry she may confuse Bachie, who has been confirmed by me as the human version of Ralph Wiggum. But then she says she’s ‘unexperienced’ in love and I have a feeling they’ll get along just fine.
A boat man who is captain of the smallest boat in the history of boats with captains gives his very best sexy Bach-style lean as he welcomes Curly Hair #1 to his love machine:
Settle down, hot shot.Is this Bachie’s proxy? Was he hoping Curly Hair #1 wouldn’t notice? Has dating multiple women finally caused him to lose track of time? Did he accidentally step on Osher and have to go home and change his shoes?
Ah. This sexy boat captain is just taking Curly Hair #1 to her destination date, which is an island just off Sydney Harbour. Bachie says he wanted to remind Curly Hair #1 of her time volunteering in Vanuatu, so there’s lots of pineapples and huts and culturally accurate looking people wearing leis and dancing.
It becomes increasingly clear that the producers have convinced Bachie that this island, in full view of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, actually is Vanuatu.
Vanuatu: You’ll never ever know if you never ever go.Bachie and Curly Hair #1 lie down on the sand and have a riveting conversation about the sunset and how nice the sunset is and oh my god can you believe the sunset and how lucky are we that the sun is setting have you ever seen it do that before omg sunsets are so beautiful especially in Vanuatu etc.
Curly Hair #1 says she has seen some third world issues, and judging by Bachie’s face it’s the deepest fucking thing he’s ever heard anyone say, ever. He can’t even deal. He shoves a raspberry in her face, and upon opening her mouth to accept it, their connection is confirmed. He gives her a rose and they kiss.
GROUP DATE TIME.
Osher’s back, and those pre-natal vitamins Channel Ten are force-feeding him instead of food are doing wonders: His hair still looks incredible.
