Tea Horoscope: What your choice of tea says about you.

I’m gonna come clean: I’m not a fan of Astrology.

I don’t quite understand how me being born on March 17th (Pisces) instead of March 21st (Aries) means I’m automatically a “gullible” type who happens to be terrible with money.

If that’s what you believe, power to you – I hope you and the Lunar thingymabob enjoy yourselves – but it’s not for me.

You know what does make sense to me? Tea.

You know who else loves tea? Sam Wood. I don’t think you need anymore reasons. (Post continues…)

Video via Tea with Jules

Yes – YES – delicious, leafy tea. Why? Because while there’s hundreds of flavours and types of tea, typically we humans only gravitate to one.

We have a favourite. A go-to. A beat-all.

And I’ve started to realise that your choice in tea says more about who you are than the bloody date of your birthday does.



Here’s what your tea choice says about you.

English Breakfast

Image via iStock

If you choose English Breakfast every morning you, lady face, are a reliable do-gooder.

You always leave for work five minutes earlier than necessary because you factor in variables, like bad traffic or an unexpected snow storm.

If you had to describe your strength in a job interview, you'd say "I'm punctual AF".


You don't waste time with bullshit, okay? You just want to drink your freaking tea god dammit.

You have stuff to do. And you're a lady who Gets. Shit. Done.

Green tea

Image via iStock

You exclusively eat plant-based food that is 106% organic and harvested from the faraway fields of Narnia.

You don't eat regular table salt, you insist on Pink Himalayan salt only.


You frequent the gym. You also studied a very prestigious degree at a very prestigious University.

You have fantastic arms that are the envy of all your friends.

You have used the hashtags #fitfam or #deliciousandnutritious more than once.

You probably drive a shiny BMW. Your name is Ava, or something else equally fancy and on-trend.


Image via iStock

You are like a freaking human breeze, you Peppermint Drinker Person.

You have passed beyond chill into a state of pure zen.

You're also probably a movie and book worm, and would prefer a night wrapped in a doona over a night out.

You have a very quirky sense of style, and aren't scared to wear socks with sandals, or a pair of op-shop overalls on a regular occasion.

'I ONLY drink tea that's from T2'

Image via LinkedIn

You have incredibly high standards... and may or may not have too much money.

(If the urge to donate $10 to a certain Pisces-in-need strikes you, you can find me on Facebook.)

Exotic flavoured tea

Image via iStock 

Your favourite tea choice is either hyphenated, or a delicate blend of aroma and flavour that simply can't be explained here.

And you, lady, are the life of the party.


"Life's too short for boring tea!" you're heard calling out over a cup of steaming raspberry/cinnamon/papaya infusion on a Tuesday night.


For whatever reason, your iPhone's screen is permanently, inexplicably smashed.

Probably because you're too busy having fun to get it repaired.

You wear navy with black because f*ck the system.

You're also the work colleague who's renowned for what she did at the 2014 Christmas party.

Earl Grey

Image via YouTube

In my head right now, you're Nigella Lawson standing over a hot cuppa seductively saying the word "bergamot" and "Dilmaaaahhhhh".

You're a wholesome person, but one who still enjoys the fiiiiner things in life. 

You like everything classical, and always have a really flash $40 manicure even when you're gardening your Pinterest-worthy rose bushes.

Detox (diuretic) tea

Images via Instagram

You're either a Kardashian, or someone who has in excess of 10,000 Instagram followers and is therefore being paid to promote this offensive excuse for tea.

Insider info: Detox tea tastes how I imagine a hippie's foot would taste.

Unless you're being paid exorbitant amounts, or are completely devoid of tastebuds, I have no clue why you're drinking this travesty.

Sort yourself out please.

'I don't like tea'


This is a conspiracy.

I am 99% sure you are suffering from delusions and/or need to have another crack at the whole tea thing (except for the above tea that makes you poo lots... not that one).

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