fashion

'That's... just a string.' Sorry but Tammy Hembrow is trolling us with her latest bikini.

No.

It’s Tammy Hembrow.

She has a new bikini, and like a five-year-old who just got their hands on a pair of those runners that light up when you walk, she’d like to show her fans:

There’s just a few small, insignificant little problems:

– public nudity is illegal

– the RRP of $189 is too much money for what appears to be literally a piece of string

– no one (including Tammy Hembrow) actually looks like Tammy Hembrow

The ‘splendour’ suit makes the recent trend of invisible bikini bottoms look like goddamn board shorts, and it’s terrifying for me but mostly my flaps.

What’s particularly strange about the image and the response to it, however, is that not that many of the comments are making jokes about it.

A majority of the comments are… serious. There’s fire emojis. Love heart eyes. Phrases like ‘yesss need’ and ‘perfection’ and ‘gym goals’.

Watch: Just another problematic swimsuit. Post continues after video.

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One woman tagged a friend and wrote ‘this is what we’ll look like after maternity leave’ and WHAT.

Others responded that they were ‘excited’ and ‘can’t wait’ for the swimsuit to drop next week and does that mean you’re going to buy it?????? Because you shouldn’t, okay???

There’s just so many questions to be asked about a pair of swimmers so small they can hardly be seen from the back. So – given the lack of conversation, here are 31 questions I have about Tammy Hembrow’s latest… contraption, presented without question marks, because they do not require answers.

1. Does this seriously count as full-piece swimwear, given it doesn’t cover the vagina

2. You have no body hair. Comment.

3. What if you need to fart

4. Does it break the string

5. What about when the waves come. What then

6. What

7. Is

8. The

9. Purpose

10. Of

11. This

tammy
Wot

12. Does this count as soft core porn y/n

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13. What about your genitals

14. What difference does the colour make when you can’t see it

15. Do you need a sarong

16. How do you know whether it fits

17. Is anyone seriously going to buy this swimsuit

18. If so, do you want to buy it from me

19. I'll sell you a piece of string for $100

20. I'll even throw in a complimentary ball of wool

21. Na but seriously where do you buy it from

22. Some place called the Minimale Animale, allegedly

23. Omg they also sell this

bunny
I'LL TAKE SEVEN.

24. Can I have it

25. Please. For no reason except that it made me lol

26. OK back to the swimmers

27. What's the point in the straps

28. What if you have your period

29. How do you know which string is which

30. Does everyone realise the manufacturer behind these is having a field day

31. The markup is literally 3000%

I believe with every ounce of my being that Tammy Hembrow is trolling us all with swimwear that is not, by any definition, actually swimwear.

And somehow, she and a clothing company are making unthinkable amounts of money from it.

00:00 / ???